Dear anita,

I commend you for taking such a noble step, and finally allowing yourself after decades to be relieved of that guilt.  I could not even imagine how difficult that may have been for years on end.

yes, you’re right – I will likely not go down this path.  and yes, this will consist of a life of “survival” and some respite during breaks – and then rescinding during times of contact.  I know this, and I see it in front of me – but I still can not conceive no contact, and will not kid myself or others, including you – to say yes  this is a possibility.  when it is not – not at this time at least.

interestingly, my husband and I are thinking of moving this summer.  we are now 1.5 hours away from both parents and most of our family – and we are thinking of a move cross country.  for many reasons including climate,, jobs, etc.  of course I realize more geographical distance may be good in some ways, but the same in others.  I know no matter where I go the mother voice is within me – miles don’t change that.  I do worry about future milestones such as children, and like you said the full force ad control and guilt that will come with that.  if we live miles away they will want to visit and stay for a week – during those times

I told you I saw them twice since the wedding.  the time I ssaw them a month or so ago – it was a pleasant weekend and very focused on my puppy.  once I returned back home – they called to see if I made it back, and then both began to cry, and say how much they missed me, and how they really enjoyed the quality time together.

the old me would have felt something, but all I thought was – you’re a lunatic – one second abusing us, now crying and emotional how much you missed us.  insane.

anyway – you know this, I know this, my sister who is 6.5 years younger and 2,000 miles away knows this.  yet – the cycle will continue.  sadly I don’t even know what life without guilt even means.  like you said I think of the breaks as breathing space and allowance to “get back on track” but that doesn’t mean I am at mental peace or immersed in the process of healing and un-numbing.