i always wanted to know – what does it feel like to have a sense of relief – that (aah) feeling.
sure at the end of a yoga class i do feel slightly better, less tense in the muscles, more uplifted. but what does it feel like to take a deep breath in and out and let off some steam and feel a release

i can’t recall ever feeling a sense of relief. after an exam, after a huge event, after anything. waking up the next day and feeling that “phew” weight off your shoulders. nope never.
and it makes sense why. because my baseline has always been suffering and anxiety. i have no idea what it feels like to even come back from vacation and feel “lighter, more relaxed, at ease” (sure some relief from headaches or muscle tension, and 10 percent better mentally but what does it feel like to REALLY FEEL better.

like oh you just got married – wow must be a huge sense of relief.
-nope, don’t feel any better just the same (like body is tensely holding onto something unable to let go)

as a result of this my mind also finds other things to be stressed about if one stressor does pass, since it’s baseline is not to release stress (we have spoken about this in prior posts)

I asked myself, what will it take for me to stop this suffering. if it is rock bottom, then i’ve hit it – over the past year

1) got involved with the police, as I didn’t know how to take it any further

2) felt physically ill so many months, losing weight, feeling terrible

3) constant muscle tension everyday of my life

4) insomnia – this in and of itself ruins quality of life

5) so many numerous issues with my now husband given i too abused him, and projected all my abuse and negativity onto him for the past few years, which has caused him a great deal of trauma and ptsd (pushing forward the abuse). we are improving tremendously, but just like i suffered, these sort of things leave scars and marks and pain

6)inability to ever daydream, feel excited about the future – as above the baseline state is tense and not ever relieved, my mind doesn’t fathom anything different (not because it is afraid to)
like oh you must be so excited for the move – kinda feel nothing
oh you must be so excited you graduated – oh hmm i did, don’t feel much different

oh you’re so lucky that this X thing happened – sure i can see that in my head or in theory, but do i FEEL that, nope.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.