hello was having issues posting all morning so I tested it out earlier.  Here is what I wrote to you after I read your morning post.

Good morning Anita,

Thank you for thinking of me early in your morning, I too have thought of you, and all you said since last night.  I did not post as I was working on some guided journaling.  I was able to reflect on what you said, and also find some more truths.  All of which point to exactly what you said.

I have been feeling differently since this last weekend, and since you and I have spoken more in depth of these truths and her abuse, and my true suffering (greater than HERS – what a concept).  I have been feeling as though my trauma and pain is stuck in my body (body aches, tension, headaches) and no amount of running, yoga, lifestyle changes will release it unless I work on “emotional trauma release.” What does that mean exactly?

Sounds to me it consists of first, allowing myself to even release. give myself permission to say: i don’t need to feel like a walking stress ball corpse everyday. why? because I am a human being put on this earth – and I deserve happiness just like anyone else (despite who I was born to).

“For you to not hold her responsible, while you are both alive, for what she did to you; to continue to submit to her abuse, is a violation of justice and a meaningless sacrifice of your life.”

-I never thought about this as a violation of justice, as you know I feel that this is “just my life.” Because I am born to this family, this mother, this is my burden to bear.  It is true, as a result there is a sacrifice of my life.  I am breathing and “functioning” but I am not living.  And I feel it boiling inside me recently – I feel this strong feeling that I want to explode – strong tension in my upper back, my body screaming.

I know I am getting closer Anita.  I am not there yet – but I am closer.

I was in a fellowship a year and a half ago, in a difficult field that requires a lot of focus.  I never allowed myself this focus, the fact that I am a good doctor now is a result of my ability to “push through” the emotional suffering and rise above and function. I had such bad headaches and neck pain that I had an MRI. I knew of course there wasn’t anything “wrong with me” but I just could not find relief.  My body was feeling all of the trauma to an extreme sense, some of the worst pains I have had in my life.  I thought this morning how everyday would be screaming on the phone and tears.  Then finally they got what they wanted (we got engaged and they were able to show off and throw a party) – but a day later it started again – about something else.

poor me.  yes I can say it – poor little me – I don’t deserve it.

I think about me in the next few years when I am ready to have children.  I have this visual: I am overall okay, but feeling sick and tired and fatigued.  My mother is either on the phone or at the bed side driving me so crazy I am in tears and having a severe migraine.  The nurse/or my husband has to ask her to leave for my health.  I see her go and I think, yes, but these are not guards in my life.  The nurse can ask her to go for now, but what about after when I am home, she will be back.

I then fast forward to having a child.  I have a puppy (that is not a human) but extremely smart and receptive to emotions – so I have a beginning understanding of what it is like to be a caretaker (but of course no where close).  I like to use my dog Bodhi (named for the Buddhist term Bodhi to find enlightenment) as a “pretend child” in my head as it is easier for me to conceptualize.

So I see this, young (human) Bodhi sees mom crying – he says mommy why are you always crying after you talk to grandma – I have no words.  Bodhi starts to absorb this behavior and find it to be normal.  Bodhi sees me have to go lay down all the time when grandma is over.  He hears me getting angry.  I snap at him when I am amidst an emotional breakdown.

This is what Bodhi sees.  This is who I am to him.  More importantly, he sees all this as normal.  This is his known.

That cannot be.

I go back to my real Bodhi, and I think what if I said to you – hey Bodhi why are you whining so much today, after all I rescued you from that bad place and gave you a 5 star home, aren’t you grateful?but mom i was just saying I don’t like this food that’s all —sure it’s just food to you, but other kids would be so happy to even have this experience.

Bodhi I brought you all the way to the park, and all you wanted to do is sit and not play with anyone? –but mom..I just didn’t feel like playing today….Oh you ungrateful child, mom had to rush home and do all this, and this is how you show appreciation?

you know Bodhi you used to run so fast and be so playful, everyone used to say wow Bodhi is the best at the park, he could be an athlete, what happened to you?! oh mom I dunno I don’t really like running anymore…  Well if you’re just going to be so lazy so young nothing good is going to happen to you, you better think about that…

Wow – it took me less than 1 minute to type all the above, it flowed from my fingers because this is mine and my sister’s real life…when I think about saying this to Bodhi I think: he’s a sweet little baby, and finding what he likes, and is developing his own self – I want to nurture that – not squash it with my personal misery.  It brings tears to my eyes!

So yes Anita – with my mother in my life, my future kids will be affected severely.

My husband said while we were away this weekend (exploring a place that we may move to) – he said he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take.  I said I am surprised (since reading a lot about what you wrote – and he knows about you and our talks) that he didn’t just “tell them off” a long time ago.  He says he thought about it so many times, but what would be the point.  If I don’t talk to my parents, they will harass my sister and drive her insane and inflict all on her – it’s all a lose lose…there’s no winning while they are alive.  i said even after they leave this earth (the mother voice) will be remain – but limiting or going NC as Anita says will at least begin the healing process.

what do you think about his comment about if I go NC they will then harm and harass my sister more?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.