Dear joanna:

To break free from the hope that one day my mother will love me, that one day she will be pleased with who I am, pleased  that I am in her life… it took me removing myself from her life, that is, ending all contact with her. It was very difficult for me to do but I did it. I had my last phone conversation with her early in 2013, sent a message to her through my sister in Jan 2014, and that is all, nothing else since or ever will be.

It took that and my first quality psychotherapy 2011-2013. And then, my continuing healing since.

For a child it is impossible to accept that your parent, your caretaker, doesn’t like you, is not happy with you in her life, displeased. Biologically speaking, for a young animal dependent on a parent’s physical care, such dislike and displeasure by the mother means the mother will abandon the young one leading to the young one dying, without food and protection.

So a child does not accept this displeasure, disapproval, and will do anything to change it. When we grow up, we don’t grow out of that motivation, even though we are no longer physically dependent on the parent, for food and protection.

And then, this motivation expands to others, people of no consequence to us as far as our mere survival. We keep hoping as if our survival depended on that person’s love for us, a love that if ended feels like death.

anita