Dear Anita, thank you for your reply and I am glad you are still around here, on the forum, helping all so much!

I felt It was needed to post some of my progress, cause the whole story creates a path and others may find patterns that will help them in their healing process. I still have a lot to learn about me and also heal, but I feel stronger now, in a deeper connection with my feelings and my desires and I manage to see clearly others actions too. It is like waking up a little by little.

It is not an easy procedure as you have to feel again within you past difficult situations and recreate the pain. I was avoiding that for years thinking there is no reason to search for past wounds and suffer again, it is past, let’s go on. Well, that would be ok if the wounds were healed and If I had managed to understand why things happened at first place. If, though, you simply cover or ignore a wound without understanding how it opened and why and what it takes to make it heal, it will start to hurt you again, and maybe during totally irrelevant situations leaving you clueless about the reasons of your pain – making you feel stupid or problematic. Especially if people that understand your insecurities and low self-esteem come around you, they can easily benefit from you, make you suffer more so that they can earn more strength.

Reading again my posts, I see how much self-blaming I was putting on me. We all do mistakes, but my need to satisfy everyone else and then hurting myself if I couldn’t, that was different than a mistake. I was feeling worthy only If others were satisfied with me. So, I was trying during my relationship to be the perfect girlfriend for him: meaning do all his favors, transform to what he needed, neglecting my family, my friends, my dreams, my desires, my personal path in this life, taking a new ‘role’ just to make him happy. His happiness was supposed to be my success, my happiness, my accomplishment.

And the more I was giving, the more he was asking. And the more I was giving. It was a constant agony, a battle, to make it. I only now see how stressed and unhappy I actually was. I had signs that I was covering again. I was simply trying to be what he wanted me to be.
Until he got bored (of course, it became too easy and he took me for granted in the end) and he told me to break up. I left the house, he then moved to a bigger one alone bringing all my things to my parents house in boxes, he started to post photos with other women on FB, he was flirting with a friend of mine in front of me (he was denying this of course and he was telling me I am simply insecure). For 18 months he was telling me to stay friends and in parallel, he was living his life in that way, and I had stayed clueless of what I did wrong and I was still trying to change the things. I was thinking I didn’t give enough, that I was fat, ugly, stupid, insecure, jealous, crazy, problematic, or I asked too much and pressed him or asked less than I should etc.. I was asking him to explain me and he was telling me there is no reason to discuss the past. He was telling me that I am free to move on, but of course, he was calling me each time I was doing a check-in somewhere to ask me with whom I was there and If I had moved on. He was the jealous one, the controlling one, and I was keeping on to stay faithful to us, thinking that this would proove my love and he would return. I stayed alone for so long, trying to earn again his approval!

But, one day I decided to stop all these and start to focus on my self again. I understood it had no meaning anymore. I started to go out again, smile again, take care more of myself. I started to meet new persons too.
And once I started to feel better and started to smile again, he came back, not for giving me all the things I had missed all this time (love and support), but for demanding to take more from me: my love, my commitment, my strength, my dreams, all. He was having me for granted for months and only came back once he saw I was trying to leave. His ego was hurt, nothing more. He lost the control he thought he would always had on me. His ego-boosting supply.

And, because of all the low self-esteem feelings and my need to satisfy the rest, I couldn’t simply shut the door in his face. This made me search for help, as I understood I could not set boundaries, I could not confront someone demanding things from me. I couldn’t say no even If my mind was screaming to me this is what I should do.

And so I opened the blanket with which I had covered all my wounds thinking that was a solution, and I had to finally deal with them. It is not easy. But it is needed and has already helped me to feel stronger and see things in a clearer perspective.

I only now see how many things I was letting to happen without wanting them, how much control I had let others to have on me. How bad opinion I had for myself and I was searching on others for reassurance. I still feel in that way, but less and less, and once I do it, at least I understand that I am doing it and I can observe its pattern.

I hope I will be soon able to post even more positive results and realizations.  And I hope all these to help others too. I now see that the solutions, the love, and the happiness are not found on others opinion about us, they are within us, only.

Many wishes to all of and I am here for anyone that needs more details 🙂

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Mepina.