You wrote this perfectly:

where you let off some steam, relieve yourself from distress, receive some attention and empathy, feel better, continue to function…until the next time: another breakdown, letting off some steam, relieving yourself of distress, feeling better, and back to functioning… and then back again to breakdown.

It shouldn’t be this way because there is no healing in it. This pattern is similar to a child throwing a temper tantrum, the parent giving the child candy, the child calms down until next time.

I am also guilty of doing this many times in my life, and notice that I have recently decided to get off that hamster wheel (only very recently – which is a new feeling/position).  I know that the hamster wheel above is my default and baseline imprinted in me from my upbringing.  You wording it in such a way allows me to see how utterly exhausting it is.  I see that you have told me that I don’t NEED to be on that path, and that I do have a choice to end my role with it.  The path of healing only begins then.

i have brought my husband on that wheel above for 4 years – without knowing, without thinking I had a choice not to.  all i felt is: this is me and this is my life, and it’s baseline.  I am seeing it doesn’t have to be.

today I did not immediately find a way to relieve my distress my screaming back at my parents, rushing to vent to my husband about it.  i took some time to think about it (then wrote it to you).  I will process it.  I will sit with it.  I have time to do that when I allow it.  When I allow myself the self respect and time and energy I need – I am able.