Hi Mark,

Thanks for the speedy reply. I believe in 11:11 too: I got a tattoo of it on my wrist in Chicago (before I met Clarence). I am definitely a free spirit but sometimes this means that I can follow down the wrong path because I believe the universe can send us people we are meant to be with or learn from. I feel that most of my life I have been running away from making decisions and putting it up to the universe and following signs, rather than using my own sense of judgement. The only haunting thing about Clarence was how much empathy I felt for his own pain and suffering – I’m a highly empathetic person and sometimes I feel this calling to help people or make them see the best in themselves. It was a catch 22, because as much as I showed him the best parts of himself, it was still damaging for me. Sometimes I am still haunted by the thought of him in Chicago and whatever he is doing/ his suffering, but I guess this is something that will gradually fade out.

This has been a pattern for many of my relationships: I tend to see the fullness of another person before I see myself, and this is something that I really need to focus and work on. I have dreams and goals and a desire to make a better life for myself here in England and surround myself with good people. When I got back to England, I threw myself into putting on gigs and performing and doing promotion stuff – however because of my behavioural/mental issues, there’s been hardships within that too, and so now I just feel like allowing myself to not do anything.

I’ve spent the past couple days just resting, sleeping, watching films etc. And allowing myself to feel upset. I wanted to allow myself to do this so I could finally release all the grief I have in my heart, and be ready for the next steps in life. I had the idea to post my story up on tiny buddha last night as a final honest release, in the hope that other like-minded people would be able to give me more of an idea of the meaning behind it all, and how I can become a stronger person.  If you have any advice on how to heal/grow/learn properly and become stronger then that would be much appreciated.

Thank you for your reply,

Cat