I have to say that to some degree i got some relief from telling my ex that i have these feelings towards men and not women, which made her see me in a totally different way and she stopped trying to make me horny and having sleepovers all the time. We still hang out when we can, but i still think she is distracting herself with me since i am the only guy friend she has right now.

To understand me a little better i’m going to share some information about my family, friendships and past.

As a child i was always very attention seeking, still am to some degree. When my brother was born i got very jealous because my mum had to concentrate more on him than me, which made me think that she didn’t care about me as much anymore so i stopped talking to mum for a long time and only played with dad and did things together with him. But one day when i still was asleep my dad had to leave for to another country and left without saying goodbye and when i woke up it was a big tragedy for me because now everybody had left me. This was my biggest childhood-trauma i t believe of what my mum had told me. Lets talk a little more about my dad: I don’t know if this information is relevant but might be, Whenever my dad wanted me and my brother to do something or achieve something we where always rewarded with money or treats whenever we did good in school or at home. He always took the easy route out to make us do what he wanted. On my mums part, she is very loving and caring but she never learned to create her own reality and dreams so she always tried to live her dreams through me and my brother which just ended up us doing all the things she ever wanted to do but through us which we hated. ( ballet, playing the piano, modeling, learning Russian, singing etc). So i never got to know who i was and what i wanted to do. I’m not complaining because they are both loving parents but very unauthentic, for example i never ever seen my mum and dad kiss each other on the mouth within 21 years of living.

I want to add a little about my relationships to my friends, especially my one and only closest friend which is now staring to deterioate. We have known each other for 6 years now, the last year we have gotten very close. There was a moment that i realized how selfish i was and that he was giving me all the time but i never gave anything to him so i started giving him my time and energy. (before this i never had any feelings for him). But when i started investing myself into his life more and spending almost everyday with him, a fire started in me and i started to love him. And the more i gave the more i loved him and myself. But with time this ”love” feelings started going away and i felt i have to give even more to make it come back so i did. I gave almost everything about myself to him (like he would be my boyfriend without being a BF) but slowly this started to kill me, i was losing myself and i felt like i was doing exactly everything to please his experience. I do like my friend a lot but recently i cant keep up with the same amount of energy i have been giving him before, and it has changed him and me. He seems different to me now, like he is changing because i don’t want to see him everyday anymore. I have other things to do, but he sees it as i’m trying to avoid him because i don’t want to always see him with my other friends. I am also kinda feelings guilty because im denying to see him as often to concentrate on myself, but do i need this space and alone time. Why do i feel drained around him these days? I feel inauthentic around him and as if i can’t relate to him anymore. I just wants to hang around smoking weed all day, and i want to stay at home working my art and being myself. I don’t feel myself whenever i’m around him anymore, it used to be a pleasure and a ”vacation” to be around my Bf. Now it feels like a task or something i have to keep up otherwise it won’t work.