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crawford

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  • #348960
    crawford
    Participant

    Humble answer, thank you!:)

    #340926
    crawford
    Participant

    Yeah, seems like he was the jerk type. Thanks for your answers, it was the compassion i needed. Appreciate your time and replies:)

     

     

    #340880
    crawford
    Participant

    Well, maybe i expected too much and thought he cared about me as much as did for him. I might have been quite delusional regarding our friendship. I thought he cared enough for me and our friendship that he would show some clear compassion and empathy towards me throughout the relationship. I might have been naive about the level of intimacy the guy was comfortable with but the least i would exepct in a longtime friendship is that you care about how eachother feel. This was shown to me to be completelt off the chart wrong, seems he only had his own interests in mind. I was shown signs of this throughout our friendship but didnt realize.

    #340818
    crawford
    Participant

    Hello  Velora, i appreciate your extensive answer.

     
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>In my first question and your first answer. I cant say i really wanted anything specific from him. But something which struck me, was his lack of care or even concern for the pain, feelings and critique i expressed and gave him. I told him, i feel he is stuck in a posotive bubble and pushing away negativity in others and not accepting it as part of reality. This i feel is very dangerous when you avoid someone living in a painful reality. Lets say someone had their parent die, this person would meet up with his/her friend and express these feelings. The friend to the person that lost his parent would acknowlage the loss but soon after start living their own perception of reality which is “just think positive”. It tales long time to heal, someone cant expect someone else to just “be positive” when they obviously are in pain and may suffer from many types of pain not just loss of a parent. In my case, i felt that the pain which i experienced was not valid for him and got poked at for it, as if he wanted force me to heal. Almost as if, he believed it is fake and not real. Therefore, he never wanted to deal with my low vibration and painful feelings. I can see that it is nice to cheer someone up and make them think more positive but when someone denies a painful part of ones reality it gets pushed away and not dealt with. This same person uses antidepressant, so i can imagine that this is how he treats his own pain. He used to be in a mental hospital until he got perscribed antipsychotics and antidepressant which i am sure cuts away alot of his natural feelings. It is well known that empathy is lost and decreased in use of these medications. Also i think it is important to mention that i used to be powerful codependent and what i strongly believe that this guy was/is a covert narcisisst. Throughout my friendship with him i got these sensations being with him that i am going crazy. That something is very wrong, i was scared of expresskng my feeling because i felt that i would always be in the wrong around him and that i would feel even worse afterwards because he would make feel as i am insane. I am not quite sure yet, but it seemed to be all about him and nothing about me. I invited him to expensive trips, gave him nice gifts. Always felt, like i was in a giving mode but he never gave back. Atleast not in a way where i would feel valued and important to him in his life. Almost as if, i was there to serve him and his experience.</p>

    #340802
    crawford
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita, i do appreciate your answers and i have told you before that i do. I am sorry for the post in year 2019 but the recent posts i have all answered and gotten back to those that have answered including you. You can check it, but i dont usually get followups or people reading my reply to them. I understand that you put much value and time into your answers so i am doing my best to get back to all answers and giving solid feedback since they have helped me alot.</p>

    #335566
    crawford
    Participant

    Hello again, i appreciate you all for replying to my thread with such insightful answers.

    I really resonated with Peters allegory about the dark alley, in the situation with my friend i can clearly see how my thought-patterns and self-belief at the time created a situation like this. It is still a big mystery about what exactly had been happening between us but to my understanding he is a narcissist/mentally sick person and i was the co-dependent in the relationship. The last time we met i exposed the feelings which i had been having with him for a very long time and for the first time i could see that it seemed as he didn’t care at all. There was nothing in him that was able to show concern for me and the pain which i had been having with him. I gave him some criticism, and talked about him constantly being in a ”positive bubble” and disregarding the pain which is around him as part of himself. He resorted into a silent treatment because he could not handle the situation and that was the end of my relationship with him, i had to leave him there. When i started leaving, he jumped from his silent treatment into panic mode asking why i am leaving. He didn’t have anything to stop me from leaving so i left everything there, after 8 years of believing he actually cared about me and my feelings. I do see now that, this was a major life lesson for me, and i hope for him too. I used to have such a hard time to say no, i had my doors open to anyone that gave me some connection. I had low self-esteem, low boundaries and a fragile sense of self, this was my wake-up and i believe i did the right thing to just leave him in his dirt. In the beginning after leaving him i was very cynical and blamed him over and over in my mind but realized shortly that he was none more to blame than myself, we had both fed into each-other. I don’t know how much of his abuse was intentional or unintentional but i can not allow someone that simply does not have any concern for my  and his own well-being to be in my presence.

    Let me know what you think and thank you again for your time and help!

     

    Kind regards

     

    #334205
    crawford
    Participant

    Thank you for the answer and sorry for late answer myself.

     

    Some time has passed now and i have come to better understand to what im looking for and what im concerned about.

     

    I am differentiating intellectual knowledge and understanding. I notice that sometimes when people get to know something they think they know and understand the information without realizing the integration part of the progress. This is something i recognize and reflect about my past self, i thought that i understood the self by just knowing about it and the teachings. I suffered immensely from that kind of “stuckness” because it makes you believe your work is done in the spiritual field and that when you got it, you got it. I can see the validity in that aswell but when someone thinks they know and dont know it by understanding and experiencing the truth it can lead to alot of delusions and misunderstandings. So my clear question is, how can i help people to see that they have to integrate the knowledge they have of themselves by processing it from the within (taking care of body, mental health, and not just strolling around preaching the knowledge of the truth but not seing the truth of their individual truth. In my seing, these have to be integrated to have a better outcome and evolution. If you talk about health and spirituality and truth but at the same time lie sometimes, dont take care of the body you become contradictory and nobody will listen to such a person because it vibrates falseness in their being. Talking about truth but not being truth is my concern. Do i just let people do their mistakes and completely ignore that aspect of myself or can i help myself and people around me realize this easier without pointing out the truth about them in a personal way. I know all is being and going well by itself, i dont have to influence much but it is in my being to be helping and looking for better alternatives to these obstacles. And since i know the sad outcome of feeling and thinking you know but dont understand i dont want anyone to go through that. It is also quite obvious when someone tries to love but does not love themselves so they end up destroying others around them by really think that they are loving but they actually are self sacrficers and dont love themselves so naturally they can love anyone else. It is hard to show someone that they need to love themselves by telling them, they have to come to that understanding but i believe there should be something i can reflect to them to make them see it faster. It is not a enjoyable state and in that state i cant just justify “let it be” “it will sort itself out”. When i was in that state it was awful. Trying to love but not being love, trying to get joy but not being joy. I will meditate on this and i will probobly get some answers myself but i would live to see some perspective.

     

    Best regards

    F

     

    #329931
    crawford
    Participant

    Hi Lara, thank you for your great answer. It made me think and rethink.

     

    As a great master once said, sharing the truth of the self to the wrong person is like putting a million volts through a electric shaver. It explodes. This is what i am slightly concerned about regarding sharing information and self-knowledge with people who are not serious or advanced enough to handle that kind of information and constantly checking for ego. Im happy to share what i know with everyone , i dont expect people to thank me or regard me as wise or put me on pedastol but i do want recognition/reliance for what i do know so that people dont steal knowledge from me. It does not help anyone, people who think they understand but only intellectualize what i tell them. Let me give you an example of what i mean by stealing. I was walking with my brother and on the way we met one friend which we both know, i was standing still while my brother started talking with him. I notice (unconciously) that my brother is socially anxious and the friend is quite calm in the discussion. When we leave from the discussion my brother immediatly asks a deceiving question. “Do you also notice how other people are anxious sometimes” and i opened up a discussion about anxiety and my experience on it and let him know alot about it. Suddenly i get a intuition that he is listening really intensely and i feel as if im “helping” him too much since he is the “one” having anxiety-problems but opening up the discussion about the matter for his owns sake. Maybe i sound like i dont trust people, and i suspect them too much but i have gotten this similar feeling with other people. The feeling of giving away some information which they should be able to solve on their own, and relying on me solving it for them in the guise of other people or manipulative ways. How do i make people see that they are relying on me for their problems, something says that i should not be giving too much for “free. I feel as if people dont ask me questions directly, that they have to go roundabout ways to get to know what i know and get help so they dont have to feel as they “rely” on someone/me. What might this be about?, im trying to understand what that kind of reflection tells about myself. Maybe people think they will “owe” me something in return which is not true. Also you mentioned that you dont learn this from a vacuum and it is completely true, i have read alot, listened alot, experienced alot, watched alot, felt alot and much of that from other people but when i ask for help or if i rely on someone i recognize that and let them know that they have helped me. I like talking with people, and much more than i used too. And i see that i cant learn if there was not any other people to learn from, yet i like to take some recognition in the work i have done in (this) body. I feel as if that helps me in my work, and makes me feel as if i am doing a good job. I have one friend which recognized me for my work and that helped immensely, i feel much happier to share my understanding with him without feeling as if he just sucks it up all for himself.

     

    Looking forward for your perspective.

    And yes im coming from a buddhist perspective, (eckhart tolle, mooji, alan watts)

     

     

    #329341
    crawford
    Participant

    Thank you inky for your reply, i appreciate it alot. I see that people are focused on their own reality most of the time and wont immediatly see the value of what im sharing also i have come to the conclusion that even the minor worries are quite unimportant and are fed by the mind which makes me want to convince people otherwise which makes the matter worse. Regarding my work, i can understand what you say about internalizing it. Anyone can listen and seem interested and as if they understand what you mean but only later on actually see the value and practicality in what has been said.

     

    Thank you again, and merry christmas!

    F

    #192717
    crawford
    Participant

    I just don’t know how to get away from her at this point. As i wrote above, i am the only one she feels like she can talk to. Her best friend died, and her gran dad too. And she uses the loneliness she has to meet me more, and when i don’t do what she wants she starts guilt-tripping me about how i should be there for her, and that she does not want fake-friends and that she does not have anyone to turn too. She also loves me a lot, and wants to be my girlfriend. I have told her i only want to be friends, but that did not help. She still asks me to be for her exactly as much as she did when i was her boyfriend. I told her about my confused feeling about my sexuality, but still makes me do stuff i don’t want and she knows it. I don’t know why she is willing to live in a illusion at this point, when she can hear hat i am not intrested in her and when she tells she loves me i cant say anything back or when i don’t i also feel guilty. I really just don’t know if i can be her friend anymore, because i don’t really like her and i don’t know how to express it. How can i leave her without being rude and really make her understand. Is there not a good old saying that you should never leave someone which loves you? But i don’t love her back..

    #191735
    crawford
    Participant

    I have a hard time recognizing what and who i want and don’t want in life. One thing is for sure and that i want keep on doing art but my art is suffering with all this other stress. Don’t have time and energy for the things i really want, and when i withdraw into my bubble and do art it just feels pointless as long as i have not solved this.

    #191733
    crawford
    Participant

    Before i continue i have to say that i highly appreciate that you want to help me and answer to my complicated issues without knowing me.

    I am trusting that God will show me the right path and i do have hopes for change. I have educated a little about myself and the way i think that might contribute to understanding me better, and why i am so anxious and desperate at the moment. I have a fear of intimacy and that if people get too close to me i feel very stiff and numb and this implies mostly mental connection not physical. Also as i mentioned i feel as i am not my authentic self so that makes me withdraw because it does not feel good to be around friends (have to leave and go home or be alone) and i know this hurts my friends, still i sometimes have to withdraw otherwise i will go into starvation mode inside of me. I am very confused to where all my energy goes since i cant see the same problem in any of my friends, i always find myself being the person people call to hang out with and not the other way around and then when i meet people i get easily bored and out of touch. I just feel the people in my life are suffering from me not offering the whole truth of who i am because they give me love that i don’t truly feel i deserve and it kills me. I am just not sure which parts of me i should share and not share. At this point it feels that the only thing would be with my sexual orientation to do and at the same time that’s the part i feel most unsure about, the urge to speak about it to someone is big and waiting for god bringing me clarity makes me itch because the waiting is hurting me and my friends. I know it sound like i have a rush, but i am really doubting how i should to speak and act to my friends at this point because i don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t even know if they are my friends and which ones i should keep, or if i should just keep all. I want to be nice to people but i can’t be nice and act happy. And otherwise its just killing their vibe and i am no fun to hang around. This is all caused by my uncertainty of the future, feels pointless to waste energy on something that might not even work in the future. What should i tell my friend that i planned to move in together with?(best friend) suddenly i’m backing out from something we have been planning for months. Also my ex keeps asking me to go with her on trips to other countries, dinners,theater(feel like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend) , a lot of plans which makes me also extremely anxious as one part of me says no and other yes. How do feel certain about anything and how do i respond to planning when i feel i might be giving dead promises.

    #191183
    crawford
    Participant

    It resonates with me indeed

    #191111
    crawford
    Participant

    I am still very curious on what my next step should be. How do i deal with this attraction i have towards men and is there any possibility i could get emotional/sexual attraction towards women or is it my destiny to maybe work with God in celibacy in this life? How do i find my authentic self and how should i go forward with my relationships to my friends. I feel like i’m hiding something from them about myself but i’m not sure what to tell them about myself so i will come to peace with who i am and be confident. I just feel that i am betraying my best friend because i can’t be around him for too long without getting lost, silent and drained. I want to feel nurtured around my friends so i want to be around them/him. I do have goals and dreams and i work on them everyday but that does not feed the empty hole that i feel inside of me, something feels missing and i do not know what that might be. I work out at the gym, i take care of my body. I try to be the best i can to my friends and family but still fall short and feel like i am giving too little and not making enough effort to sustain a healthy relation to them. As already mentioned, i feel inauthentic in one way or another and i really do not know what will make me feel whole and energized.

    #191057
    crawford
    Participant

    I have the rubber-band effect with my best friend. We are extremely close but there is still something that keeps us apart. Feel like a little space that never comes together between us, something that makes us not connect completely. I don’t know what it is except that he does not know my full authentic self and i have no clue how to express it. I never really have the excitement and the urge to meet him anymore, the driving force. I keep wanting to be alone and not see anyone but at the same time i really want a close relationship but it seems as i can’t make the gap close together between us, where we would be one with each other. We are bestfriends but strangers at the same time, and it feels horrible. I feel guilty for having my friends ask me out all the time, i am rarely the one asking if people want to do something with me. I don’t know why, it feel like i have so many friends that i would never get the time for myself if i started asking them out too.

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