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crawford

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  • #363110
    crawford
    Participant

    Ok, i understand.

    I can relate to being rush-y and over-exited so i start walking fast, talking fast which all contributes to my meditative state going away.

    F

    #362169
    crawford
    Participant

    Thanks for the answer,

    How do they get over stimulated and how is this connected to the heart-chakra or energy-vise? How do i prevent it from overstimulation?

     

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    #358395
    crawford
    Participant

    I appreciate someone answering regardless whoever answers, did not intend to try and get someone else to answer. I am just thankful in general that you answer so many different threads and have almost answered to all my questions in all different years which is very kind.

     

    I dont always think people have bad intentions, but sometimes i do think people are conciously doing harm for personal needs because they dont know any other way to deal with situations. Unconciously feeding off other peoples reactions, falling into old stoneage egopatterns. Many times i feel people dont have a clue what they are doing but most of the time i think people do know but just dont know how to do anything else or dont care too much how it affects anyone else as long as they “feel” good in their constructs and beliefs.

    Regarding the gaslight, gaslighting can be unconciously done so as said many times i think people dont have a single clue what they are doing.

     

     

    #358380
    crawford
    Participant

    Actually it makes alot of sense that people get anxious because they think the other person is thinking they are stupid. Today when i met the girl which looked at the map actually was late and i had found her bankcard which she had lost so maybe she felt stupid because of that and wanted to downplay herself in someway because she thought i was thinking the same. Still, these situations completely catch me off guard and it feels like a reverse gaslight where they think they know me in advance so they cast the false reality before i do it in their minds or they want to “test” me if it is true so they take the stupidness into discussion to see how i will react to that. Actually now when writing alot of light-bulbs are going off because i used to be friends with someone that i feel was very afraid of what i was thinking of him and he wanted to test me by doing jokes or taking up subjects which was about him to see how i would react and when you notice it, it is easy to want to prove otherwise which usually ends up feeding their belief and proof that it is the other way around because now the person is trying to defend himself. This is the same feeling i get in the downplaying situations, a strong danger because there is a part of me which is afraid to move because it might end up with me proving the other person that i actually think they are stupid, retarded, selfish, addicted or any other downplaying element. So i freeze and my automatic fight or flight wall goes up because it senses conflict and hurt by being in that situation. I think this also stretches back to my childhood where i felt like whatever i did i got doomed and lost or got hurt. Something to do with the way i had to act to not get hurt. This downplaying has been jumping a bit on me lately, something is calling me to understand and integrate. This girl at the coffeshop did some mathematical error while counting and said to me “How stupid of me, i am so bad at counting” wink wink. Same situation, i feel like there is no natural respons coming into my mind yet and i have to choose to either be quiet or say something really fake to validate that it is ok to be bad at math which might make them feel bad or i will peobobly say it in a way which makes them disbelieve me and feel offended because i just told them nonverbally “You such mentally, you are bad at math, get your shit together” which i never intended and never wanted to get into.

    Thanks for replying again Antia, sometimes feels like you are the only one reading on the website.

    #358335
    crawford
    Participant

    There have been number of occasions where i have been triggered by people telling me that they are stupid or do something stupid. I also have a friend that sometimes pretends to be stupid around me for some reason. Saying she has forgot things which i know she has not, or asking me obvious things which i know she knows or asking where something is which makes her look stupid which i know she is not.

    #358333
    crawford
    Participant

    Is it about something else which i dont understand yet? It just seems so unnatural and destructive to downplay or talk about being stupid or bad at something. I have natural responses to that.

    #358295
    crawford
    Participant

    Yes, it does feel like i dont exist emotionally to him and thats what makes it so hard to speak to him because there is this feeling of fluctuation between wanting and not wanting. Being inbetween as you said. I will probobly have to talk with him about it but i dont think he actually will understand what im talking about since i suspect he has been supressing those feelings since he was a child and never found a way to deal with that side of him. Also it is hard effort because i have this strong bitterness from being denied my emotions by him and my mum since i was a child, i would love for him to see how beautiful it can be but with his emotional distance together with the bitterness makes the effort feel like lifting a million kilos with only hopes as result. If i knew he would want to work, that would atleast give some motivation but giving up on someone is something i have extremely hard time to do. Especially since he is my dad and i will be around him his whole life. Maybe some form of robotic communication will be the only option sadly, lets see what he says when i talk to him.

    #358273
    crawford
    Participant

    Sorry for the spelling errors, noticed afterwards. Thanks for replaying Anita:)

     

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    #358272
    crawford
    Participant

    I was thinking that if i wont get better soon or i figure out some way bareable way to relate to him i will have to talk about this with him. It just feels very uncomfortable talking abiut feelings and emotions with him because he usually never talks about how he feels, neither do i with him.

    #358270
    crawford
    Participant

    1. I feel that my father supresses emotions within himself so that he does not have to be vunerable (ever) so the abuse im talking about is supressing and denying emotions in himself which makes it hell for everyone around him to get close or whenever you are close it makes one either have to tolerate to play into his illusion of no emotion and everything is fine or being oneself which feels like one has to naturally express irritation and distance towards him which he would probobly interprets as something which has nothing to do with him.

     

    2. The irritation i mentioned was nothing i expressed more the general mood around him. I naturally felt supressed, irritated and angry so i talked about school in a distancing and irritated tone even though the school subject was positive.

    #348960
    crawford
    Participant

    Humble answer, thank you!:)

    #340926
    crawford
    Participant

    Yeah, seems like he was the jerk type. Thanks for your answers, it was the compassion i needed. Appreciate your time and replies:)

     

     

    #340880
    crawford
    Participant

    Well, maybe i expected too much and thought he cared about me as much as did for him. I might have been quite delusional regarding our friendship. I thought he cared enough for me and our friendship that he would show some clear compassion and empathy towards me throughout the relationship. I might have been naive about the level of intimacy the guy was comfortable with but the least i would exepct in a longtime friendship is that you care about how eachother feel. This was shown to me to be completelt off the chart wrong, seems he only had his own interests in mind. I was shown signs of this throughout our friendship but didnt realize.

    #340818
    crawford
    Participant

    Hello  Velora, i appreciate your extensive answer.

     
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>In my first question and your first answer. I cant say i really wanted anything specific from him. But something which struck me, was his lack of care or even concern for the pain, feelings and critique i expressed and gave him. I told him, i feel he is stuck in a posotive bubble and pushing away negativity in others and not accepting it as part of reality. This i feel is very dangerous when you avoid someone living in a painful reality. Lets say someone had their parent die, this person would meet up with his/her friend and express these feelings. The friend to the person that lost his parent would acknowlage the loss but soon after start living their own perception of reality which is “just think positive”. It tales long time to heal, someone cant expect someone else to just “be positive” when they obviously are in pain and may suffer from many types of pain not just loss of a parent. In my case, i felt that the pain which i experienced was not valid for him and got poked at for it, as if he wanted force me to heal. Almost as if, he believed it is fake and not real. Therefore, he never wanted to deal with my low vibration and painful feelings. I can see that it is nice to cheer someone up and make them think more positive but when someone denies a painful part of ones reality it gets pushed away and not dealt with. This same person uses antidepressant, so i can imagine that this is how he treats his own pain. He used to be in a mental hospital until he got perscribed antipsychotics and antidepressant which i am sure cuts away alot of his natural feelings. It is well known that empathy is lost and decreased in use of these medications. Also i think it is important to mention that i used to be powerful codependent and what i strongly believe that this guy was/is a covert narcisisst. Throughout my friendship with him i got these sensations being with him that i am going crazy. That something is very wrong, i was scared of expresskng my feeling because i felt that i would always be in the wrong around him and that i would feel even worse afterwards because he would make feel as i am insane. I am not quite sure yet, but it seemed to be all about him and nothing about me. I invited him to expensive trips, gave him nice gifts. Always felt, like i was in a giving mode but he never gave back. Atleast not in a way where i would feel valued and important to him in his life. Almost as if, i was there to serve him and his experience.</p>

    #340802
    crawford
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita, i do appreciate your answers and i have told you before that i do. I am sorry for the post in year 2019 but the recent posts i have all answered and gotten back to those that have answered including you. You can check it, but i dont usually get followups or people reading my reply to them. I understand that you put much value and time into your answers so i am doing my best to get back to all answers and giving solid feedback since they have helped me alot.</p>

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33 total)