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I appreciate someone answering regardless whoever answers, did not intend to try and get someone else to answer. I am just thankful in general that you answer so many different threads and have almost answered to all my questions in all different years which is very kind.
I dont always think people have bad intentions, but sometimes i do think people are conciously doing harm for personal needs because they dont know any other way to deal with situations. Unconciously feeding off other peoples reactions, falling into old stoneage egopatterns. Many times i feel people dont have a clue what they are doing but most of the time i think people do know but just dont know how to do anything else or dont care too much how it affects anyone else as long as they “feel” good in their constructs and beliefs.
Regarding the gaslight, gaslighting can be unconciously done so as said many times i think people dont have a single clue what they are doing.
Actually it makes alot of sense that people get anxious because they think the other person is thinking they are stupid. Today when i met the girl which looked at the map actually was late and i had found her bankcard which she had lost so maybe she felt stupid because of that and wanted to downplay herself in someway because she thought i was thinking the same. Still, these situations completely catch me off guard and it feels like a reverse gaslight where they think they know me in advance so they cast the false reality before i do it in their minds or they want to “test” me if it is true so they take the stupidness into discussion to see how i will react to that. Actually now when writing alot of light-bulbs are going off because i used to be friends with someone that i feel was very afraid of what i was thinking of him and he wanted to test me by doing jokes or taking up subjects which was about him to see how i would react and when you notice it, it is easy to want to prove otherwise which usually ends up feeding their belief and proof that it is the other way around because now the person is trying to defend himself. This is the same feeling i get in the downplaying situations, a strong danger because there is a part of me which is afraid to move because it might end up with me proving the other person that i actually think they are stupid, retarded, selfish, addicted or any other downplaying element. So i freeze and my automatic fight or flight wall goes up because it senses conflict and hurt by being in that situation. I think this also stretches back to my childhood where i felt like whatever i did i got doomed and lost or got hurt. Something to do with the way i had to act to not get hurt. This downplaying has been jumping a bit on me lately, something is calling me to understand and integrate. This girl at the coffeshop did some mathematical error while counting and said to me “How stupid of me, i am so bad at counting” wink wink. Same situation, i feel like there is no natural respons coming into my mind yet and i have to choose to either be quiet or say something really fake to validate that it is ok to be bad at math which might make them feel bad or i will peobobly say it in a way which makes them disbelieve me and feel offended because i just told them nonverbally “You such mentally, you are bad at math, get your shit together” which i never intended and never wanted to get into.
Thanks for replying again Antia, sometimes feels like you are the only one reading on the website.
There have been number of occasions where i have been triggered by people telling me that they are stupid or do something stupid. I also have a friend that sometimes pretends to be stupid around me for some reason. Saying she has forgot things which i know she has not, or asking me obvious things which i know she knows or asking where something is which makes her look stupid which i know she is not.
Is it about something else which i dont understand yet? It just seems so unnatural and destructive to downplay or talk about being stupid or bad at something. I have natural responses to that.
Yes, it does feel like i dont exist emotionally to him and thats what makes it so hard to speak to him because there is this feeling of fluctuation between wanting and not wanting. Being inbetween as you said. I will probobly have to talk with him about it but i dont think he actually will understand what im talking about since i suspect he has been supressing those feelings since he was a child and never found a way to deal with that side of him. Also it is hard effort because i have this strong bitterness from being denied my emotions by him and my mum since i was a child, i would love for him to see how beautiful it can be but with his emotional distance together with the bitterness makes the effort feel like lifting a million kilos with only hopes as result. If i knew he would want to work, that would atleast give some motivation but giving up on someone is something i have extremely hard time to do. Especially since he is my dad and i will be around him his whole life. Maybe some form of robotic communication will be the only option sadly, lets see what he says when i talk to him.
Sorry for the spelling errors, noticed afterwards. Thanks for replaying Anita:)
I was thinking that if i wont get better soon or i figure out some way bareable way to relate to him i will have to talk about this with him. It just feels very uncomfortable talking abiut feelings and emotions with him because he usually never talks about how he feels, neither do i with him.
1. I feel that my father supresses emotions within himself so that he does not have to be vunerable (ever) so the abuse im talking about is supressing and denying emotions in himself which makes it hell for everyone around him to get close or whenever you are close it makes one either have to tolerate to play into his illusion of no emotion and everything is fine or being oneself which feels like one has to naturally express irritation and distance towards him which he would probobly interprets as something which has nothing to do with him.
2. The irritation i mentioned was nothing i expressed more the general mood around him. I naturally felt supressed, irritated and angry so i talked about school in a distancing and irritated tone even though the school subject was positive.
Humble answer, thank you!:)
Yeah, seems like he was the jerk type. Thanks for your answers, it was the compassion i needed. Appreciate your time and replies:)
Well, maybe i expected too much and thought he cared about me as much as did for him. I might have been quite delusional regarding our friendship. I thought he cared enough for me and our friendship that he would show some clear compassion and empathy towards me throughout the relationship. I might have been naive about the level of intimacy the guy was comfortable with but the least i would exepct in a longtime friendship is that you care about how eachother feel. This was shown to me to be completelt off the chart wrong, seems he only had his own interests in mind. I was shown signs of this throughout our friendship but didnt realize.
Hello Velora, i appreciate your extensive answer.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>In my first question and your first answer. I cant say i really wanted anything specific from him. But something which struck me, was his lack of care or even concern for the pain, feelings and critique i expressed and gave him. I told him, i feel he is stuck in a posotive bubble and pushing away negativity in others and not accepting it as part of reality. This i feel is very dangerous when you avoid someone living in a painful reality. Lets say someone had their parent die, this person would meet up with his/her friend and express these feelings. The friend to the person that lost his parent would acknowlage the loss but soon after start living their own perception of reality which is “just think positive”. It tales long time to heal, someone cant expect someone else to just “be positive” when they obviously are in pain and may suffer from many types of pain not just loss of a parent. In my case, i felt that the pain which i experienced was not valid for him and got poked at for it, as if he wanted force me to heal. Almost as if, he believed it is fake and not real. Therefore, he never wanted to deal with my low vibration and painful feelings. I can see that it is nice to cheer someone up and make them think more positive but when someone denies a painful part of ones reality it gets pushed away and not dealt with. This same person uses antidepressant, so i can imagine that this is how he treats his own pain. He used to be in a mental hospital until he got perscribed antipsychotics and antidepressant which i am sure cuts away alot of his natural feelings. It is well known that empathy is lost and decreased in use of these medications. Also i think it is important to mention that i used to be powerful codependent and what i strongly believe that this guy was/is a covert narcisisst. Throughout my friendship with him i got these sensations being with him that i am going crazy. That something is very wrong, i was scared of expresskng my feeling because i felt that i would always be in the wrong around him and that i would feel even worse afterwards because he would make feel as i am insane. I am not quite sure yet, but it seemed to be all about him and nothing about me. I invited him to expensive trips, gave him nice gifts. Always felt, like i was in a giving mode but he never gave back. Atleast not in a way where i would feel valued and important to him in his life. Almost as if, i was there to serve him and his experience.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita, i do appreciate your answers and i have told you before that i do. I am sorry for the post in year 2019 but the recent posts i have all answered and gotten back to those that have answered including you. You can check it, but i dont usually get followups or people reading my reply to them. I understand that you put much value and time into your answers so i am doing my best to get back to all answers and giving solid feedback since they have helped me alot.</p>
Hello again, i appreciate you all for replying to my thread with such insightful answers.
I really resonated with Peters allegory about the dark alley, in the situation with my friend i can clearly see how my thought-patterns and self-belief at the time created a situation like this. It is still a big mystery about what exactly had been happening between us but to my understanding he is a narcissist/mentally sick person and i was the co-dependent in the relationship. The last time we met i exposed the feelings which i had been having with him for a very long time and for the first time i could see that it seemed as he didn’t care at all. There was nothing in him that was able to show concern for me and the pain which i had been having with him. I gave him some criticism, and talked about him constantly being in a ”positive bubble” and disregarding the pain which is around him as part of himself. He resorted into a silent treatment because he could not handle the situation and that was the end of my relationship with him, i had to leave him there. When i started leaving, he jumped from his silent treatment into panic mode asking why i am leaving. He didn’t have anything to stop me from leaving so i left everything there, after 8 years of believing he actually cared about me and my feelings. I do see now that, this was a major life lesson for me, and i hope for him too. I used to have such a hard time to say no, i had my doors open to anyone that gave me some connection. I had low self-esteem, low boundaries and a fragile sense of self, this was my wake-up and i believe i did the right thing to just leave him in his dirt. In the beginning after leaving him i was very cynical and blamed him over and over in my mind but realized shortly that he was none more to blame than myself, we had both fed into each-other. I don’t know how much of his abuse was intentional or unintentional but i can not allow someone that simply does not have any concern for my and his own well-being to be in my presence.
Let me know what you think and thank you again for your time and help!
Thank you for the answer and sorry for late answer myself.
Some time has passed now and i have come to better understand to what im looking for and what im concerned about.
I am differentiating intellectual knowledge and understanding. I notice that sometimes when people get to know something they think they know and understand the information without realizing the integration part of the progress. This is something i recognize and reflect about my past self, i thought that i understood the self by just knowing about it and the teachings. I suffered immensely from that kind of “stuckness” because it makes you believe your work is done in the spiritual field and that when you got it, you got it. I can see the validity in that aswell but when someone thinks they know and dont know it by understanding and experiencing the truth it can lead to alot of delusions and misunderstandings. So my clear question is, how can i help people to see that they have to integrate the knowledge they have of themselves by processing it from the within (taking care of body, mental health, and not just strolling around preaching the knowledge of the truth but not seing the truth of their individual truth. In my seing, these have to be integrated to have a better outcome and evolution. If you talk about health and spirituality and truth but at the same time lie sometimes, dont take care of the body you become contradictory and nobody will listen to such a person because it vibrates falseness in their being. Talking about truth but not being truth is my concern. Do i just let people do their mistakes and completely ignore that aspect of myself or can i help myself and people around me realize this easier without pointing out the truth about them in a personal way. I know all is being and going well by itself, i dont have to influence much but it is in my being to be helping and looking for better alternatives to these obstacles. And since i know the sad outcome of feeling and thinking you know but dont understand i dont want anyone to go through that. It is also quite obvious when someone tries to love but does not love themselves so they end up destroying others around them by really think that they are loving but they actually are self sacrficers and dont love themselves so naturally they can love anyone else. It is hard to show someone that they need to love themselves by telling them, they have to come to that understanding but i believe there should be something i can reflect to them to make them see it faster. It is not a enjoyable state and in that state i cant just justify “let it be” “it will sort itself out”. When i was in that state it was awful. Trying to love but not being love, trying to get joy but not being joy. I will meditate on this and i will probobly get some answers myself but i would live to see some perspective.