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crawford

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  • in reply to: Can someone hurt you? #335566
    crawford
    Participant

    Hello again, i appreciate you all for replying to my thread with such insightful answers.

    I really resonated with Peters allegory about the dark alley, in the situation with my friend i can clearly see how my thought-patterns and self-belief at the time created a situation like this. It is still a big mystery about what exactly had been happening between us but to my understanding he is a narcissist/mentally sick person and i was the co-dependent in the relationship. The last time we met i exposed the feelings which i had been having with him for a very long time and for the first time i could see that it seemed as he didn’t care at all. There was nothing in him that was able to show concern for me and the pain which i had been having with him. I gave him some criticism, and talked about him constantly being in a ”positive bubble” and disregarding the pain which is around him as part of himself. He resorted into a silent treatment because he could not handle the situation and that was the end of my relationship with him, i had to leave him there. When i started leaving, he jumped from his silent treatment into panic mode asking why i am leaving. He didn’t have anything to stop me from leaving so i left everything there, after 8 years of believing he actually cared about me and my feelings. I do see now that, this was a major life lesson for me, and i hope for him too. I used to have such a hard time to say no, i had my doors open to anyone that gave me some connection. I had low self-esteem, low boundaries and a fragile sense of self, this was my wake-up and i believe i did the right thing to just leave him in his dirt. In the beginning after leaving him i was very cynical and blamed him over and over in my mind but realized shortly that he was none more to blame than myself, we had both fed into each-other. I don’t know how much of his abuse was intentional or unintentional but i can not allow someone that simply does not have any concern for my  and his own well-being to be in my presence.

    Let me know what you think and thank you again for your time and help!

     

    Kind regards

     

    in reply to: People relying on my work? #334205
    crawford
    Participant

    Thank you for the answer and sorry for late answer myself.

     

    Some time has passed now and i have come to better understand to what im looking for and what im concerned about.

     

    I am differentiating intellectual knowledge and understanding. I notice that sometimes when people get to know something they think they know and understand the information without realizing the integration part of the progress. This is something i recognize and reflect about my past self, i thought that i understood the self by just knowing about it and the teachings. I suffered immensely from that kind of “stuckness” because it makes you believe your work is done in the spiritual field and that when you got it, you got it. I can see the validity in that aswell but when someone thinks they know and dont know it by understanding and experiencing the truth it can lead to alot of delusions and misunderstandings. So my clear question is, how can i help people to see that they have to integrate the knowledge they have of themselves by processing it from the within (taking care of body, mental health, and not just strolling around preaching the knowledge of the truth but not seing the truth of their individual truth. In my seing, these have to be integrated to have a better outcome and evolution. If you talk about health and spirituality and truth but at the same time lie sometimes, dont take care of the body you become contradictory and nobody will listen to such a person because it vibrates falseness in their being. Talking about truth but not being truth is my concern. Do i just let people do their mistakes and completely ignore that aspect of myself or can i help myself and people around me realize this easier without pointing out the truth about them in a personal way. I know all is being and going well by itself, i dont have to influence much but it is in my being to be helping and looking for better alternatives to these obstacles. And since i know the sad outcome of feeling and thinking you know but dont understand i dont want anyone to go through that. It is also quite obvious when someone tries to love but does not love themselves so they end up destroying others around them by really think that they are loving but they actually are self sacrficers and dont love themselves so naturally they can love anyone else. It is hard to show someone that they need to love themselves by telling them, they have to come to that understanding but i believe there should be something i can reflect to them to make them see it faster. It is not a enjoyable state and in that state i cant just justify “let it be” “it will sort itself out”. When i was in that state it was awful. Trying to love but not being love, trying to get joy but not being joy. I will meditate on this and i will probobly get some answers myself but i would live to see some perspective.

     

    Best regards

    F

     

    in reply to: People relying on my work? #329931
    crawford
    Participant

    Hi Lara, thank you for your great answer. It made me think and rethink.

     

    As a great master once said, sharing the truth of the self to the wrong person is like putting a million volts through a electric shaver. It explodes. This is what i am slightly concerned about regarding sharing information and self-knowledge with people who are not serious or advanced enough to handle that kind of information and constantly checking for ego. Im happy to share what i know with everyone , i dont expect people to thank me or regard me as wise or put me on pedastol but i do want recognition/reliance for what i do know so that people dont steal knowledge from me. It does not help anyone, people who think they understand but only intellectualize what i tell them. Let me give you an example of what i mean by stealing. I was walking with my brother and on the way we met one friend which we both know, i was standing still while my brother started talking with him. I notice (unconciously) that my brother is socially anxious and the friend is quite calm in the discussion. When we leave from the discussion my brother immediatly asks a deceiving question. “Do you also notice how other people are anxious sometimes” and i opened up a discussion about anxiety and my experience on it and let him know alot about it. Suddenly i get a intuition that he is listening really intensely and i feel as if im “helping” him too much since he is the “one” having anxiety-problems but opening up the discussion about the matter for his owns sake. Maybe i sound like i dont trust people, and i suspect them too much but i have gotten this similar feeling with other people. The feeling of giving away some information which they should be able to solve on their own, and relying on me solving it for them in the guise of other people or manipulative ways. How do i make people see that they are relying on me for their problems, something says that i should not be giving too much for “free. I feel as if people dont ask me questions directly, that they have to go roundabout ways to get to know what i know and get help so they dont have to feel as they “rely” on someone/me. What might this be about?, im trying to understand what that kind of reflection tells about myself. Maybe people think they will “owe” me something in return which is not true. Also you mentioned that you dont learn this from a vacuum and it is completely true, i have read alot, listened alot, experienced alot, watched alot, felt alot and much of that from other people but when i ask for help or if i rely on someone i recognize that and let them know that they have helped me. I like talking with people, and much more than i used too. And i see that i cant learn if there was not any other people to learn from, yet i like to take some recognition in the work i have done in (this) body. I feel as if that helps me in my work, and makes me feel as if i am doing a good job. I have one friend which recognized me for my work and that helped immensely, i feel much happier to share my understanding with him without feeling as if he just sucks it up all for himself.

     

    Looking forward for your perspective.

    And yes im coming from a buddhist perspective, (eckhart tolle, mooji, alan watts)

     

     

    in reply to: People relying on my work? #329341
    crawford
    Participant

    Thank you inky for your reply, i appreciate it alot. I see that people are focused on their own reality most of the time and wont immediatly see the value of what im sharing also i have come to the conclusion that even the minor worries are quite unimportant and are fed by the mind which makes me want to convince people otherwise which makes the matter worse. Regarding my work, i can understand what you say about internalizing it. Anyone can listen and seem interested and as if they understand what you mean but only later on actually see the value and practicality in what has been said.

     

    Thank you again, and merry christmas!

    F

    in reply to: How do i heal and let go of guilt? #192717
    crawford
    Participant

    I just don’t know how to get away from her at this point. As i wrote above, i am the only one she feels like she can talk to. Her best friend died, and her gran dad too. And she uses the loneliness she has to meet me more, and when i don’t do what she wants she starts guilt-tripping me about how i should be there for her, and that she does not want fake-friends and that she does not have anyone to turn too. She also loves me a lot, and wants to be my girlfriend. I have told her i only want to be friends, but that did not help. She still asks me to be for her exactly as much as she did when i was her boyfriend. I told her about my confused feeling about my sexuality, but still makes me do stuff i don’t want and she knows it. I don’t know why she is willing to live in a illusion at this point, when she can hear hat i am not intrested in her and when she tells she loves me i cant say anything back or when i don’t i also feel guilty. I really just don’t know if i can be her friend anymore, because i don’t really like her and i don’t know how to express it. How can i leave her without being rude and really make her understand. Is there not a good old saying that you should never leave someone which loves you? But i don’t love her back..

    in reply to: I might be gay, maybe not. Driving me crazy. #191735
    crawford
    Participant

    I have a hard time recognizing what and who i want and don’t want in life. One thing is for sure and that i want keep on doing art but my art is suffering with all this other stress. Don’t have time and energy for the things i really want, and when i withdraw into my bubble and do art it just feels pointless as long as i have not solved this.

    in reply to: I might be gay, maybe not. Driving me crazy. #191733
    crawford
    Participant

    Before i continue i have to say that i highly appreciate that you want to help me and answer to my complicated issues without knowing me.

    I am trusting that God will show me the right path and i do have hopes for change. I have educated a little about myself and the way i think that might contribute to understanding me better, and why i am so anxious and desperate at the moment. I have a fear of intimacy and that if people get too close to me i feel very stiff and numb and this implies mostly mental connection not physical. Also as i mentioned i feel as i am not my authentic self so that makes me withdraw because it does not feel good to be around friends (have to leave and go home or be alone) and i know this hurts my friends, still i sometimes have to withdraw otherwise i will go into starvation mode inside of me. I am very confused to where all my energy goes since i cant see the same problem in any of my friends, i always find myself being the person people call to hang out with and not the other way around and then when i meet people i get easily bored and out of touch. I just feel the people in my life are suffering from me not offering the whole truth of who i am because they give me love that i don’t truly feel i deserve and it kills me. I am just not sure which parts of me i should share and not share. At this point it feels that the only thing would be with my sexual orientation to do and at the same time that’s the part i feel most unsure about, the urge to speak about it to someone is big and waiting for god bringing me clarity makes me itch because the waiting is hurting me and my friends. I know it sound like i have a rush, but i am really doubting how i should to speak and act to my friends at this point because i don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t even know if they are my friends and which ones i should keep, or if i should just keep all. I want to be nice to people but i can’t be nice and act happy. And otherwise its just killing their vibe and i am no fun to hang around. This is all caused by my uncertainty of the future, feels pointless to waste energy on something that might not even work in the future. What should i tell my friend that i planned to move in together with?(best friend) suddenly i’m backing out from something we have been planning for months. Also my ex keeps asking me to go with her on trips to other countries, dinners,theater(feel like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend) , a lot of plans which makes me also extremely anxious as one part of me says no and other yes. How do feel certain about anything and how do i respond to planning when i feel i might be giving dead promises.

    in reply to: I might be gay, maybe not. Driving me crazy. #191183
    crawford
    Participant

    It resonates with me indeed

    in reply to: I might be gay, maybe not. Driving me crazy. #191111
    crawford
    Participant

    I am still very curious on what my next step should be. How do i deal with this attraction i have towards men and is there any possibility i could get emotional/sexual attraction towards women or is it my destiny to maybe work with God in celibacy in this life? How do i find my authentic self and how should i go forward with my relationships to my friends. I feel like i’m hiding something from them about myself but i’m not sure what to tell them about myself so i will come to peace with who i am and be confident. I just feel that i am betraying my best friend because i can’t be around him for too long without getting lost, silent and drained. I want to feel nurtured around my friends so i want to be around them/him. I do have goals and dreams and i work on them everyday but that does not feed the empty hole that i feel inside of me, something feels missing and i do not know what that might be. I work out at the gym, i take care of my body. I try to be the best i can to my friends and family but still fall short and feel like i am giving too little and not making enough effort to sustain a healthy relation to them. As already mentioned, i feel inauthentic in one way or another and i really do not know what will make me feel whole and energized.

    in reply to: I might be gay, maybe not. Driving me crazy. #191057
    crawford
    Participant

    I have the rubber-band effect with my best friend. We are extremely close but there is still something that keeps us apart. Feel like a little space that never comes together between us, something that makes us not connect completely. I don’t know what it is except that he does not know my full authentic self and i have no clue how to express it. I never really have the excitement and the urge to meet him anymore, the driving force. I keep wanting to be alone and not see anyone but at the same time i really want a close relationship but it seems as i can’t make the gap close together between us, where we would be one with each other. We are bestfriends but strangers at the same time, and it feels horrible. I feel guilty for having my friends ask me out all the time, i am rarely the one asking if people want to do something with me. I don’t know why, it feel like i have so many friends that i would never get the time for myself if i started asking them out too.

    in reply to: I might be gay, maybe not. Driving me crazy. #191053
    crawford
    Participant

    I have to say that to some degree i got some relief from telling my ex that i have these feelings towards men and not women, which made her see me in a totally different way and she stopped trying to make me horny and having sleepovers all the time. We still hang out when we can, but i still think she is distracting herself with me since i am the only guy friend she has right now.

    To understand me a little better i’m going to share some information about my family, friendships and past.

    As a child i was always very attention seeking, still am to some degree. When my brother was born i got very jealous because my mum had to concentrate more on him than me, which made me think that she didn’t care about me as much anymore so i stopped talking to mum for a long time and only played with dad and did things together with him. But one day when i still was asleep my dad had to leave for to another country and left without saying goodbye and when i woke up it was a big tragedy for me because now everybody had left me. This was my biggest childhood-trauma i t believe of what my mum had told me. Lets talk a little more about my dad: I don’t know if this information is relevant but might be, Whenever my dad wanted me and my brother to do something or achieve something we where always rewarded with money or treats whenever we did good in school or at home. He always took the easy route out to make us do what he wanted. On my mums part, she is very loving and caring but she never learned to create her own reality and dreams so she always tried to live her dreams through me and my brother which just ended up us doing all the things she ever wanted to do but through us which we hated. ( ballet, playing the piano, modeling, learning Russian, singing etc). So i never got to know who i was and what i wanted to do. I’m not complaining because they are both loving parents but very unauthentic, for example i never ever seen my mum and dad kiss each other on the mouth within 21 years of living.

    I want to add a little about my relationships to my friends, especially my one and only closest friend which is now staring to deterioate. We have known each other for 6 years now, the last year we have gotten very close. There was a moment that i realized how selfish i was and that he was giving me all the time but i never gave anything to him so i started giving him my time and energy. (before this i never had any feelings for him). But when i started investing myself into his life more and spending almost everyday with him, a fire started in me and i started to love him. And the more i gave the more i loved him and myself. But with time this ”love” feelings started going away and i felt i have to give even more to make it come back so i did. I gave almost everything about myself to him (like he would be my boyfriend without being a BF) but slowly this started to kill me, i was losing myself and i felt like i was doing exactly everything to please his experience. I do like my friend a lot but recently i cant keep up with the same amount of energy i have been giving him before, and it has changed him and me. He seems different to me now, like he is changing because i don’t want to see him everyday anymore. I have other things to do, but he sees it as i’m trying to avoid him because i don’t want to always see him with my other friends. I am also kinda feelings guilty because im denying to see him as often to concentrate on myself, but do i need this space and alone time. Why do i feel drained around him these days? I feel inauthentic around him and as if i can’t relate to him anymore. I just wants to hang around smoking weed all day, and i want to stay at home working my art and being myself. I don’t feel myself whenever i’m around him anymore, it used to be a pleasure and a ”vacation” to be around my Bf. Now it feels like a task or something i have to keep up otherwise it won’t work.

     

    in reply to: I might be gay, maybe not. Driving me crazy. #191035
    crawford
    Participant

    Thank you for your answers, i highly appreciate it. And Anita, thank you for checking up on me. Yes indeed i am confused about my orientation sexually and emotionally and i have a hard time to continue living in a split reality. On one hand my body is attracted to males but i don’t really have a great desire for sexual intimacy with a male partner but i don’t have that urge with females either. I have told about my feelings to my ex-gf  and i told one other girl which i have had sex with back in the days (these are the only two girls i ever had sex with) , both of them recommended me to ”come out” and be my authentic self. But still i don’t know what my authentic ”self” is. It feels like i am attracted to males much more than girls, emotionally and physically i find men attractive but as i said i, not sure i would ever find the will and courage to have sex with a man. I want to point out that whenever i had sex with these two girls i never ”felt” anything except the sensual (physical) pleasure of having sex. There never was any  intimate ”feelings” attached to having sex and that is the confusion for me. I have considered celibacy but that does not change the feelings i’m experiencing and the truth behind myself. Maybe you are right that this all stems from a dysfunctional relationship with my dad or an intimate friendship but i don’t know if getting to know my dad better would resolve my feelings towards men and help me get feelings for women. My life feels like it is on ”hold” and it is not moving anywhere because i keep different realities for different people. All my closest friends don’t know about my feelings and i don’t know how long it will take before the information leaks out one way or another. I just want to be in peace with my friends, and it feels like i keep confusing them about what i really want. My best friend for example, the one i had been talking about in the other posts. I feel very drained around him because i feel i’m being inauthentic and recently i almost can’t speak around him because it feels like i’m checking every word i’m saying and action i’m doing and i think he is starting to notice there is something off about me. I want my life to become (ONE) not a life of split realities. But its almost like i have no clue about what my real self is and what i really want in life. I also feel like i’m dragging along my ex Gf in this confusion, because she knows about my confusion and thinks that i might ”come back” to her. So she avoids getting in relation-ships because she is ”waiting” for me. I do love her but i don’t have feelings for her and i don’t know what to do. Anita, if you are able and have the time. I would appreciate so much if we could talk  in some chat room or something. I really need to discuss with somebody.

    in reply to: Is being Gay actually real love or a perversion #185219
    crawford
    Participant

    Hello again, i thought that i should share some update on my life and how i feel at the moment.

    So i decided to come out to my ex-girlfriend about my attraction to guys, because i though she is the one that deserves to know it the most. Actually she asked me if i am gay and i just told her on new years eve, i told her that i am gay. She was very confused and baffeled at first but took it very chill and accepted it totally. I kinda expected her reaction, i didn’t believe she was going to be mad or sad, so i was never scared of telling her.

    A couple days pass and everything is fine, and she even felt sorry for making me feel awkward around her, her trying to give me kisses all the time and trying to get me ”back”. So yesterday i was staying over at hers and we starting talking alot about sexuality and feelings. She told me about her personal experiences with a girl when she was younger and that she used to kiss her and do sexual things but she does not want to do that anymore but told me that she still thinks many girls are very attractive and she would not mind playing with their private parts or kissing her friends. Later she asked me a tricky question about how i felt having sex with her when we were together, she asked me if i disliked it or if it felt weird. And i told her honestly that i did like it somewhat and i don’t really have a problem with kissing girls or having sex because i enjoy it but i don’t get any feelings like i would think real love is. She then told me that i might be bisexual or like her, liking guys but also thinking girls are attractive. It got me very confused about what i feel or how i should feel when having sex or feeling love. I know love and i know how it feels, unfortunately i only gotten that feeling only from guys. Kinda makes me feel my ex is trying to put these thoughts into my head to make her hope i would maybe come back to her if i’m bisexual. idk

    I have been reading a lot on the the internet about homosexuality which has made me even more confused if i am doing the right decision to identify myself as gay. Yes it is true that i feel attracted to guys, that is true. But is it natural? I have read that homosexuality is more of a social conditioning which makes you feel these feelings. Many articles and forums suggests that it is a imbalance in the masculine and feminine aspect within us and it is indeed against the law of creation. Other suggested it to be Karmic debt which has caused me to feel imbalanced feelings and therefore suffering for my past life deeds.

    Here is a link to one of the sites i read from (would love to hear a perspective): http://www.ascendedmasteranswers.com/practical-life/sexuality/513-foundational-teachings-on-homo-sexuality

    I understand that i am not my body, and that beyond polarity of masculine and feminine there is a soul which is neither female or male. So what should identify myself with? ”being gay” feels like a huge label on my for-head and feels like im identifying myself with something which in reality is an illusion. How should i explain to people that my body might be uncertain but i still know the reality behind our genders? People are so narrow-minded and a label ”gay” is very misunderstood. I am not even that attracted to the sexual part of being with somebody. I mostly like the closeness and intamacy of being with another guy. Since i am so confused and misunderstood i have contemplated going into celibacy instead of indulging in sex. Maybe it is the answer for me, still feels like a very big commitment and i am scared to feel lonely. How do you live a life in celibacy or how do i explain me being attracted to guy but not really wanting the sex. Feels like nobody will ever understand me :/

    Best Regards

    in reply to: Trouble being authentic and happy #185211
    crawford
    Participant

    Hi Eliana, i am happy to see that you ask how i am doing.

    I probobly going to write a followup ”question” on the forum but im feeling better right now but still feel like i am caught up in two different worlds. I have a hard time gathering enough energy for me to do my purpose which is art. I feel like i am still trapped in pleasing my friends even though i have put some boundaries it still feels like i have too many friends and that if i don’t keep up the good standards they start feeling like they are being betrayed or looked over.

    But as said, im going to write a totally new question in the forum in the near future

     

    in reply to: Is being Gay actually real love or a perversion #184073
    crawford
    Participant

    Well all of the things above are true but i think it is because of myself not being authentic, my friend is totally authentic and open with everything. I have had so many beautiful experiences with this friend. I love him very much, he understands me most of all of my friends and i just love talking to him because he understands spiritual concepts and the nature of reality (to a certain degree). He knows most about spirituality of the friends i know. So i do have a lot to lose if i lose him, also because we share so many of the same friends . I just don’t know how i should explain that i might be gay to him because he will feel utterly betrayed, and feel as i have been lying to him forever and he wont understand why since he has been fully truthful to me and shared everything while i have been hiding away something from him and i think he is starting to notice it because i have a hard time looking straight into his eyes (don’t know why) but it is like some strong energy builds up if i look straight in his eyes for too long.

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