February 4, 2018 at 1:48 pm #190671
Hello dear friends, i posted on this forum about a month ago about my sexuality and asking if Homosexuality is okay spiritually. So i am still stuck on weather i should come out as Gay or not. I am very uncertain and indecisive if i am actually gay or if there is a way i can get feelings for girls too or if its just something i can change about myself. There is this one girl which loves me very much and would do anything for me to be with me but i don’t have any ”feelings” for her and no sexual feelings either. We were together in a relationship for about a year about 2 years ago and i never had any feelings for her and i kept avoiding her, even though i enjoyed her company sometimes i still never wanted to invite her to see my friends or family (something in me always stopped me from it and avoided getting too close). But in those days i was very immature and never really did anything romantic (for) her and that is what makes me think i never got feelings for her. She always was the ”guy” in the relation and kept asking me out for date nights and paying my stuff. She is still single and would very much like to have me back and ”try” again but i am so afraid that if i try i will find same old story and i will have to hurt her by braking up once again. I know for a fact that i am attracted to guys appearance and romantically/emotionally but i don’t know if this is some kind of social dysfunction or malfunction that i have to work on. But i am still so very confused if i am actually gay or if i can learn to love a girl in the same way and get same emotional feelings for (her) too. Life would be so much easier if i could fall in love with this girl, and i would not have to come out to my conservative friends and family. If i am gay and have to come out i will probably loose all my closest relationships based on what i have heard them talk about the whole LGBT subject. Maybe im people-pleasing and caring too much of what others think about me. But i don’t want to make the wrong choice by coming out as gay and finding out that that lifestyle was not for me after all and then have to ask my friends back into my life. This confusion and ”stuck-ness” is killing my friendships at the moment and i don’t know what way i should go. I keep going over the same thoughts over and over and over then deciding that i am gay and i will come out but then the next day i decide that im straight and will pursue this girl. Then next day i feel bad again and start thinking again and change once again. It is literally killing me from within. I have so little energy at the moment that i just sit at home, all my friends ask me out but i just can’t because i feel so utterly inauthentic, i keep thinking about every word i say to them if i say it right or wrong. And i know a couple of my friends that already have noticed these mood-swings and my over analytical thinking, my friends are very sensitive and can feel energy very well of how i say certain things. Please help me
Thank you in advanceFebruary 4, 2018 at 3:55 pm #190685AlexParticipant
I believe I can help with this post. I am similar to you, except a gay woman, potentially. On the other hand, I don’t have too many friends who are judgmental thankfully. I am selective to choose friends not like that, they eventually repel me anyways. I only am close to friends who are accepting and thoughtful. I would say it’s pretty clear that you have no feelings for that girl and it is unfair to drag her along on your journey on figuring yourself out. She has her own journey and will find someone who is reciprocal of the attention and love. Please do not drag her along anymore. I could’ve done the same thing to one of my close guy friends, he’s super nice and did everything in such a gentleman way with me. I told him he should look for potential mates and I shouldn’t stop his journey. We simply don’t match, we want different things and frankly I don’t feel as though I could ever emotionally love him. I am however friends with him, though have had a clear line that is all I can provide. I am also romantically and emotionally attracted to woman, though not sexually attracted to anybody. That’s fine too if you are feeling that way towards guys. I think it’s easier to label myself as gay but asexual is really the more correct term so I identify more with that. No where did I see you mention, sexually attracted to men. So you can very well me just emotionally/romantically attracted to men. Also realize that you can also still be conservative / religious and still identify as LGBT or asexual. That is okay, you are created as is and there is nothing wrong with you. Society places these things in place, not the creator. Look back to segregation, bans on inter-racial marriages, slavery, etc. All judged as good things by SOCIETY not nature once upon a time, even though they are inherently wrong now as they were then. All hate is inherently wrong, that’s why it burdens people and the world. Light and love are light. Follow those, follow your light and love yourself as you were made. The creator, nature even if you want to call it that, has created things with peace and you have to learn to be more at peace with yourself regardless of anything.
On the broader basis, I understand you and the struggle. Being unauthentic creates resentment, unsettling anger and withdrawal from others. First accept that in yourself, you don’t have to identify to others especially if it is unsafe. Accept yourself internally first, and then you can start off small, confiding in one or two people (siblings or close friends or even parents) only if you feel you have to. Straight individuals never have to identify and as such non-straight individuals don’t have to either, you don’t owe anyone anything. You owe yourself peace of mind though. So give that to yourself, only you can give that to yourself. Regardless of others acceptance or lack of acceptance, at the end of the day only you can give yourself that peace of mind, day in day out. Please feel free to contact or write back, you can definitely have a supportive online base. And I encourage you to find an online support group or individuals (anonymously works too) through social media platforms.
Wish you love and peaceFebruary 5, 2018 at 8:09 am #190809
Welcome back. This is what I think: you are confused so it is not a good idea for you to come out as a gay man. You are not sure that you are gay, you don’t know, so… don’t come out as one.
I hope you relax and let go of that pressure to figure out if you are gay or not.
I think that the source of your confusion has nothing to do with sexual orientation. You clearly focus on sexual orientation but I don’t think that this focus will bring a resolution because this is not the problem.
I believe that the problem is a conflict you have in the context of an intimate relationship, probably originating in the intimate relationship with a parent, a non-sexual relationship.
If you would like to explore the latter, please do.
anitaFebruary 6, 2018 at 8:18 am #191035
Thank you for your answers, i highly appreciate it. And Anita, thank you for checking up on me. Yes indeed i am confused about my orientation sexually and emotionally and i have a hard time to continue living in a split reality. On one hand my body is attracted to males but i don’t really have a great desire for sexual intimacy with a male partner but i don’t have that urge with females either. I have told about my feelings to my ex-gf and i told one other girl which i have had sex with back in the days (these are the only two girls i ever had sex with) , both of them recommended me to ”come out” and be my authentic self. But still i don’t know what my authentic ”self” is. It feels like i am attracted to males much more than girls, emotionally and physically i find men attractive but as i said i, not sure i would ever find the will and courage to have sex with a man. I want to point out that whenever i had sex with these two girls i never ”felt” anything except the sensual (physical) pleasure of having sex. There never was any intimate ”feelings” attached to having sex and that is the confusion for me. I have considered celibacy but that does not change the feelings i’m experiencing and the truth behind myself. Maybe you are right that this all stems from a dysfunctional relationship with my dad or an intimate friendship but i don’t know if getting to know my dad better would resolve my feelings towards men and help me get feelings for women. My life feels like it is on ”hold” and it is not moving anywhere because i keep different realities for different people. All my closest friends don’t know about my feelings and i don’t know how long it will take before the information leaks out one way or another. I just want to be in peace with my friends, and it feels like i keep confusing them about what i really want. My best friend for example, the one i had been talking about in the other posts. I feel very drained around him because i feel i’m being inauthentic and recently i almost can’t speak around him because it feels like i’m checking every word i’m saying and action i’m doing and i think he is starting to notice there is something off about me. I want my life to become (ONE) not a life of split realities. But its almost like i have no clue about what my real self is and what i really want in life. I also feel like i’m dragging along my ex Gf in this confusion, because she knows about my confusion and thinks that i might ”come back” to her. So she avoids getting in relation-ships because she is ”waiting” for me. I do love her but i don’t have feelings for her and i don’t know what to do. Anita, if you are able and have the time. I would appreciate so much if we could talk in some chat room or something. I really need to discuss with somebody.February 6, 2018 at 9:02 am #191051
You are welcome.
No chat rooms for me, but if you would like to keep talking here, it will be fine with me. A correction: I didn’t suggest you get to know your father better so to resolve this conflict you are having. I suggested exploring your relationship with one or two of your parents or with a caretaker you had as a child, perhaps an older sibling.
I think that to do the right thing, let your ex girlfriend know in no uncertain terms that you are not available for a relationship with her. And that you stop discussing this issue with all the people you have, discussions that clearly did not bring you any closer to a resolution.
And then, I suggest that you stop wanting a resolution so badly. As long as your ex girlfriend is no longer waiting for you to re-start a relationship, at least as long as you let her know in no uncertain terms that she shouldn’t be waiting.. as long as no one is waiting and no one is confusing or getting confused by you (which won’t happen if you stop discussing the issue)- what is the rush?
Back to childhood relationships with a parent/ care taker- if you would like to share here any information that might be relevant to you not feeling intimacy with a man- or a woman, I will read and reply.
anitaFebruary 6, 2018 at 10:19 am #191053
I have to say that to some degree i got some relief from telling my ex that i have these feelings towards men and not women, which made her see me in a totally different way and she stopped trying to make me horny and having sleepovers all the time. We still hang out when we can, but i still think she is distracting herself with me since i am the only guy friend she has right now.
To understand me a little better i’m going to share some information about my family, friendships and past.
As a child i was always very attention seeking, still am to some degree. When my brother was born i got very jealous because my mum had to concentrate more on him than me, which made me think that she didn’t care about me as much anymore so i stopped talking to mum for a long time and only played with dad and did things together with him. But one day when i still was asleep my dad had to leave for to another country and left without saying goodbye and when i woke up it was a big tragedy for me because now everybody had left me. This was my biggest childhood-trauma i t believe of what my mum had told me. Lets talk a little more about my dad: I don’t know if this information is relevant but might be, Whenever my dad wanted me and my brother to do something or achieve something we where always rewarded with money or treats whenever we did good in school or at home. He always took the easy route out to make us do what he wanted. On my mums part, she is very loving and caring but she never learned to create her own reality and dreams so she always tried to live her dreams through me and my brother which just ended up us doing all the things she ever wanted to do but through us which we hated. ( ballet, playing the piano, modeling, learning Russian, singing etc). So i never got to know who i was and what i wanted to do. I’m not complaining because they are both loving parents but very unauthentic, for example i never ever seen my mum and dad kiss each other on the mouth within 21 years of living.
I want to add a little about my relationships to my friends, especially my one and only closest friend which is now staring to deterioate. We have known each other for 6 years now, the last year we have gotten very close. There was a moment that i realized how selfish i was and that he was giving me all the time but i never gave anything to him so i started giving him my time and energy. (before this i never had any feelings for him). But when i started investing myself into his life more and spending almost everyday with him, a fire started in me and i started to love him. And the more i gave the more i loved him and myself. But with time this ”love” feelings started going away and i felt i have to give even more to make it come back so i did. I gave almost everything about myself to him (like he would be my boyfriend without being a BF) but slowly this started to kill me, i was losing myself and i felt like i was doing exactly everything to please his experience. I do like my friend a lot but recently i cant keep up with the same amount of energy i have been giving him before, and it has changed him and me. He seems different to me now, like he is changing because i don’t want to see him everyday anymore. I have other things to do, but he sees it as i’m trying to avoid him because i don’t want to always see him with my other friends. I am also kinda feelings guilty because im denying to see him as often to concentrate on myself, but do i need this space and alone time. Why do i feel drained around him these days? I feel inauthentic around him and as if i can’t relate to him anymore. I just wants to hang around smoking weed all day, and i want to stay at home working my art and being myself. I don’t feel myself whenever i’m around him anymore, it used to be a pleasure and a ”vacation” to be around my Bf. Now it feels like a task or something i have to keep up otherwise it won’t work.February 6, 2018 at 10:29 am #191057
I have the rubber-band effect with my best friend. We are extremely close but there is still something that keeps us apart. Feel like a little space that never comes together between us, something that makes us not connect completely. I don’t know what it is except that he does not know my full authentic self and i have no clue how to express it. I never really have the excitement and the urge to meet him anymore, the driving force. I keep wanting to be alone and not see anyone but at the same time i really want a close relationship but it seems as i can’t make the gap close together between us, where we would be one with each other. We are bestfriends but strangers at the same time, and it feels horrible. I feel guilty for having my friends ask me out all the time, i am rarely the one asking if people want to do something with me. I don’t know why, it feel like i have so many friends that i would never get the time for myself if i started asking them out too.February 6, 2018 at 11:50 am #191071
I read your recent posts and I think the information you provided is relevant to the issue. This is my understanding:
The problem was not in your relationship with your father, or in the relationship between your father and mother. The problem was in your relationship with your mother. She didn’t let you have space to breathe, so to speak, to be yourself, or what you refer to as your authentic self.
You wrote: “She never learned to create her own reality and dreams so she always tried to live her dreams through me”- she lived off your reality, your dreams. This means that in her closeness with you, she took you away from you.
It is my understanding that you didn’t even get to have your own experience of your father. She told you that your father leaving without saying goodbye was traumatic for you and she told you that he shouldn’t have rewarded you with money. She told you… you didn’t come up with this yourself, did you.
The reason you “need this space and alone time”, why you “feel drained around him (your friend)’ is that your mother’s closeness with you included her taking away from you what didn’t belong to her, your individual thinking and feeling, your individual experience of life, your reality… your authentic self. You keep wanting to be alone.
And therefore, I understand, you keep people away from you, men and women, because their closeness suffocates you, robs you from too much. You get them off you and away from you so that you can breathe.
Maybe your attraction to men, an attraction you say is not sexual, has to do with that suffocation you experienced in your relationship with your mother, a woman.
February 6, 2018 at 3:25 pm #191111
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by anita.
I am still very curious on what my next step should be. How do i deal with this attraction i have towards men and is there any possibility i could get emotional/sexual attraction towards women or is it my destiny to maybe work with God in celibacy in this life? How do i find my authentic self and how should i go forward with my relationships to my friends. I feel like i’m hiding something from them about myself but i’m not sure what to tell them about myself so i will come to peace with who i am and be confident. I just feel that i am betraying my best friend because i can’t be around him for too long without getting lost, silent and drained. I want to feel nurtured around my friends so i want to be around them/him. I do have goals and dreams and i work on them everyday but that does not feed the empty hole that i feel inside of me, something feels missing and i do not know what that might be. I work out at the gym, i take care of my body. I try to be the best i can to my friends and family but still fall short and feel like i am giving too little and not making enough effort to sustain a healthy relation to them. As already mentioned, i feel inauthentic in one way or another and i really do not know what will make me feel whole and energized.February 7, 2018 at 3:43 am #191161
Do you agree with my understanding in my last post to you, did I understand correctly?
anitaFebruary 7, 2018 at 5:13 am #191183
It resonates with me indeedFebruary 7, 2018 at 5:35 am #191189
It does resonate. Well, what this means to me is that you are probably neither gay nor straight. You are having trouble with the experience of emotional intimacy because as a boy, your mother got too close to you, sort of invaded your mental space to such a degree that it was dangerous to you, took away from you too much.
So now, you are afraid of intimacy, be it with a woman or with a man. Got to resolve this fear and the best place to do this is in quality psychotherapy. There you can explore your relationship with your mother, resolve over time and work that fear of intimacy and then you will be able, over time, experience emotional intimacy with another, feeling safe enough to do so.
anitaFebruary 7, 2018 at 9:33 am #191175SashaParticipant
I feel like everyone here has already said everything that needs to be said, but I would still like to contribute. Firstly, if you feel like you are sexually/emotionally attracted to men, you might be gay, or bisexual. Secondly, it is clear that you don’t have feelings for that particular girl, but it definitely does not mean you could never have feelings for ANY girl. Maybe you’re just not attracted to HER. You shouldn’t lead her on anymore. Also, being with her with the hopes that you will learn to love her eventually will be unfair to both you and her.
As far as I understand, this situation makes you feel confused as to what label (gay/straight) you identify with.
In my opinion, the biggest problem here is that you are feeling pressured to know exactly who you are, and be clear about it. But it is not that simple. You don’t have to always be clear about who you are and what you want. You don’t have to come out as gay if you aren’t sure or clear about your feelings towards women. You shouldn’t feel pressured to do so. I believe that there will be a time when you feel more confident and sure about your identity, and that would be the right time to embrace it, and declare it to others.
Once you do that, you will feel more free, in peace with yourself, and contribute more to your friendships and family relationships.
As far as finding your authentic self, I feel like letting go of the pressure to figure out who you are, and just trusting in God to bring that realization to you when the right time comes, and letting yourself just feel what you feel, like who you like, will help you feel more accepting of yourself, and comfortable with who you are. It’s okay to be confused, because when the right time comes, you’ll know exactly who you are.
I think that you should share this conflict that you have in your mind with at least one person in your life, maybe your best friend. You don’t have to tell them “I’m gay” if you’re not sure about it yet. You can simply share with them that you have realized that you have feelings for men, but you are still figuring out your sexual preferences. Help them be a part of your journey, and I’m sure it will make it much easier for you to find yourself. They might not take it well at first, but I’m sure they will learn to accept it.
I understand that it can be hard to live in a conservative society, and fear that people won’t accept you for who you are. But that can always change! In the end, your family and friends will only want you to be happy.February 9, 2018 at 5:53 pm #191733
Before i continue i have to say that i highly appreciate that you want to help me and answer to my complicated issues without knowing me.
I am trusting that God will show me the right path and i do have hopes for change. I have educated a little about myself and the way i think that might contribute to understanding me better, and why i am so anxious and desperate at the moment. I have a fear of intimacy and that if people get too close to me i feel very stiff and numb and this implies mostly mental connection not physical. Also as i mentioned i feel as i am not my authentic self so that makes me withdraw because it does not feel good to be around friends (have to leave and go home or be alone) and i know this hurts my friends, still i sometimes have to withdraw otherwise i will go into starvation mode inside of me. I am very confused to where all my energy goes since i cant see the same problem in any of my friends, i always find myself being the person people call to hang out with and not the other way around and then when i meet people i get easily bored and out of touch. I just feel the people in my life are suffering from me not offering the whole truth of who i am because they give me love that i don’t truly feel i deserve and it kills me. I am just not sure which parts of me i should share and not share. At this point it feels that the only thing would be with my sexual orientation to do and at the same time that’s the part i feel most unsure about, the urge to speak about it to someone is big and waiting for god bringing me clarity makes me itch because the waiting is hurting me and my friends. I know it sound like i have a rush, but i am really doubting how i should to speak and act to my friends at this point because i don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t even know if they are my friends and which ones i should keep, or if i should just keep all. I want to be nice to people but i can’t be nice and act happy. And otherwise its just killing their vibe and i am no fun to hang around. This is all caused by my uncertainty of the future, feels pointless to waste energy on something that might not even work in the future. What should i tell my friend that i planned to move in together with?(best friend) suddenly i’m backing out from something we have been planning for months. Also my ex keeps asking me to go with her on trips to other countries, dinners,theater(feel like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend) , a lot of plans which makes me also extremely anxious as one part of me says no and other yes. How do feel certain about anything and how do i respond to planning when i feel i might be giving dead promises.February 9, 2018 at 6:00 pm #191735
I have a hard time recognizing what and who i want and don’t want in life. One thing is for sure and that i want keep on doing art but my art is suffering with all this other stress. Don’t have time and energy for the things i really want, and when i withdraw into my bubble and do art it just feels pointless as long as i have not solved this.