January 5, 2018 at 9:47 am #185219crawfordParticipant
Hello again, i thought that i should share some update on my life and how i feel at the moment.
So i decided to come out to my ex-girlfriend about my attraction to guys, because i though she is the one that deserves to know it the most. Actually she asked me if i am gay and i just told her on new years eve, i told her that i am gay. She was very confused and baffeled at first but took it very chill and accepted it totally. I kinda expected her reaction, i didn’t believe she was going to be mad or sad, so i was never scared of telling her.
A couple days pass and everything is fine, and she even felt sorry for making me feel awkward around her, her trying to give me kisses all the time and trying to get me ”back”. So yesterday i was staying over at hers and we starting talking alot about sexuality and feelings. She told me about her personal experiences with a girl when she was younger and that she used to kiss her and do sexual things but she does not want to do that anymore but told me that she still thinks many girls are very attractive and she would not mind playing with their private parts or kissing her friends. Later she asked me a tricky question about how i felt having sex with her when we were together, she asked me if i disliked it or if it felt weird. And i told her honestly that i did like it somewhat and i don’t really have a problem with kissing girls or having sex because i enjoy it but i don’t get any feelings like i would think real love is. She then told me that i might be bisexual or like her, liking guys but also thinking girls are attractive. It got me very confused about what i feel or how i should feel when having sex or feeling love. I know love and i know how it feels, unfortunately i only gotten that feeling only from guys. Kinda makes me feel my ex is trying to put these thoughts into my head to make her hope i would maybe come back to her if i’m bisexual. idk
I have been reading a lot on the the internet about homosexuality which has made me even more confused if i am doing the right decision to identify myself as gay. Yes it is true that i feel attracted to guys, that is true. But is it natural? I have read that homosexuality is more of a social conditioning which makes you feel these feelings. Many articles and forums suggests that it is a imbalance in the masculine and feminine aspect within us and it is indeed against the law of creation. Other suggested it to be Karmic debt which has caused me to feel imbalanced feelings and therefore suffering for my past life deeds.
Here is a link to one of the sites i read from (would love to hear a perspective): http://www.ascendedmasteranswers.com/practical-life/sexuality/513-foundational-teachings-on-homo-sexuality
I understand that i am not my body, and that beyond polarity of masculine and feminine there is a soul which is neither female or male. So what should identify myself with? ”being gay” feels like a huge label on my for-head and feels like im identifying myself with something which in reality is an illusion. How should i explain to people that my body might be uncertain but i still know the reality behind our genders? People are so narrow-minded and a label ”gay” is very misunderstood. I am not even that attracted to the sexual part of being with somebody. I mostly like the closeness and intamacy of being with another guy. Since i am so confused and misunderstood i have contemplated going into celibacy instead of indulging in sex. Maybe it is the answer for me, still feels like a very big commitment and i am scared to feel lonely. How do you live a life in celibacy or how do i explain me being attracted to guy but not really wanting the sex. Feels like nobody will ever understand me :/
Best RegardsJanuary 6, 2018 at 5:16 am #185321anitaParticipant
When confused, simplify, abandon the readings and look at the basics of your situation. You don’t feel comfortable labeling yourself gay, so don’t.
Simply, if I was you, after reading your posts, I will present myself this way: In a relationship, emotional closeness is most important to me and is my highest priority. In such a relationship, I see myself with a man.
* I know gay men (and read from members on these very Forums) who are interested in a loving relationship, who have strong values of monogamy and loyalty. Not all gay men are created equal. But I understand that you are feeling uncomfortable with the idea that if you present yourself as a gay man, people will automatically assume you are … who you are not.
anitaJanuary 6, 2018 at 10:15 pm #185389MirandaParticipant
I don’t know if there are any easy answers. I too have a spiritual/religious background and can identify with the judgement that can often come from family and friends, and complete strangers when our life and/or lifestyle don’t line up with those same spiritual/religious values and beliefs. Being gay does not preclude you from humanity or from being a child of God or from having the ability to love and be loved. I can’t say that I’m all that clear about how people come to be gay, but I am clear on this: a person being gay should not prevent anyone from loving and respecting you or any gay person or any person who is different for that matter. I am African American, and that’s different. Most of us are aware of slavery in African American history. Now, there have been and probably will always be people who feel people of color are less than and inferior as many felt during slavery – and will treat us that way no matter how hard we work, no matter how intelligent or kind. And the same will probably be true of you simply because you’re different. However, don’t allow other’s perception of you prevent you from being authentically you. People are going to think what they want for good or bad even if you were not gay so don’t build your life around what others think. What do you think about yourself? That’s more important. You have to live with yourself everyday so it would be best if you could find it in your heart to love yourself whether your friend does or not.
If you are spiritual, then this is a great time to connect with God and mediate on those scriptures that affirms God’s love for you. Do not believe people who would have you think that God does not love you because you are gay. Some of the same people would have me believe that God doesn’t love me because of the color of my skin. However, I can boldly tell you that, that is a lie! God has not forgotten you because you are gay and being gay does not make you a bad person. I have several gay friends whom I love and care for very much, and I would hope that everyone would be kind to them. They are my friends and I cherish them. I also have a friend who was gay who has turned away from it with the help of her faith, and she is happy. That’s not everyone’s experience, I know, but it was hers. Then, I have other gay friends who are openly gay and they are also happy.
Be kind to yourself; be kind to others; and surround yourself with people who inspire and believe in you. If you come out to your parents and they take it hard, give them time to deal with it; love and pray for them, but you do what is right for you.
While the Christian Bible doesn’t seem to condone a gay lifestyle, it does, however, support loving your neighbor – and our neighbor could be gay, straight or somewhere in between. You deserve to be your best you and to be happy. You deserve to be free to be you. And while I don’t pretend to know a lot about being gay, I respect your person and your kind spirit regardless of your sexual orientation. And while I can understand your friend being surprised that you are gay, that alone should not be enough to abandon a healthy, wonderful friendship. But here’s the thing. Sometimes people and friendships aren’t always as healthy and great as they appear, and sometimes things happen that opens our eyes to the fact that those friendships and relationships were not at all healthy and great in the first place. I’m just saying that if your friends and family can just discard you simply because you’re gay; well, they are the one’s who need to change. Real love runs a bit deeper than that. At some point, you’ll need to do what is right for you and let those who say they love you prove it with their actions and response to you. I’m also concerned that your closest friend may be impacting you negatively. I agree with Anita in that you don’t need to place so much stock in your friend, to the point where you rise and fall based on his acceptance of you. You’re giving him too much power and control over your life. Also, there is a difference in being spiritual and talking spiritual. It may be time to make some friends that you feel to be yourself with. But get to know and love yourself and you’ll find that it makes everything else easier. All the best!