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Mandy

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  • #141327

    Mandy
    Participant

    Hi Blue Ocean,

    I’m sorry for your pain.  You need to be convinced within yourself  about what they need to do, and you already have the answer. You simply need to detach from your feelings about him for a while and stand back long enough to realize it. With that said, if we go back to what you’ve already said, you will find that your soul (gut) has been speaking but maybe you haven’t been ready to listen. So, listen to what your soul has said through your words: (1) you have  been very unhappy for most of your relationship. (2) there have been countless fights that resulted in (a) you in a ball sobbing and (b) him yelling at you and telling you what a terrible person you are. (3) you changed to accommodate him and felt like you have been a shell of yourself for years (4) you decided to leave BUT stayed mostly out of guilt (5) you don’t feel the same way about him and don’t want him to touch you etc (6) you tried to leave again but was again convinced to stay (7) you wish for a fight to make it easier TO LEAVE.

    Blue Ocean,  the above statements are your reality and your truth.  Acknowledge your truth in this situation or the truth will follow you like a dog chasing its tail. Being silent about your truth and not acknowledging it will keep you stuck in a rut, hurting and confused. Only you can answer the question: How long are you willing to be unhappy and in a relationship that does not love and support you and the depth of who your are?  When you are sick and tired of being manipulated with tears that have no substance behind them that will empower him to follow through and change, and when you get sooo tired missing out on true happiness, joy and the freedom to be yourself, then you will make a quality decision and let your boyfriend go.

    I wish I could throw a warm comforter around you, give you some dark chocolate and assure you that things will be alright, but I can only give you these words. And if you follow your heart, and the words you have written here about your situation are the substance of your heart, you will be fine. You just have to love yourself enough to say no to how this man is treating you and the unhappiness and pain you are enduring in this relationship. And say YES to loving yourself and getting your life back. You’ve tried to leave twice and he convince you to stay.

    Next time just leave while he’s gone to work and don’t tell him anything. Simply leave a note saying “goodbye.” You’ve already said all there is to say. And if you know there’s a chance you might be vulnerable to staying, don’t place yourself in that situation, simply leave without discussing it any further. And I would not suggest doing it while he’s around because, you will only make it harder for yourself. And don’t be tempted to tell him where you are going or to explain. Simply break the connection and go. Do it for yourself. One more word: You seem to think more about him and how he will feel than you do about yourself, your life and your happiness. Loving things and people will come to you when you begin to love yourself first. Start by loving yourself enough to leave someone who is mistreating you. Absolutely no one should be telling you what a horribe person you are. I don’t even know you, and I can tell that you are NOT a horribe person! Be happy.

    Mandy

    #140697

    Mandy
    Participant

    Hi Chelsea,

    I can sympathize with what you’re going through.  I know it is very painful and the betrayal is grueling.  I agree with Anita that your situation is not adultery, but because it isn’t adultery, it’s obviously a violation of your trust, the relationship and your moral code. Your soul is telling you what is true for you regarding this situation and is presenting you with another opportunity to listen and respond – and not continue to ignore this painful truth about this man as you mentioned you had done early on.

    Now, you must stand in your truth, and when you do, peace will come, and somehow the pain you feel will be transformed. You still may feel some intermittent sadness or disappointment, but it won’t be as intense.

    M

    Here’s what helped me to get through a similar situation. I had to reframe the situation. I wrote down different ways of thinking about the situation that were both true and convincing to me. Then, I selected the option that my self could believe and rest with. So, here’s some self talk that is a blend of what I used and tweaked for what I gleaned from the information that you provided:  “I did not voluntarily create this situation, but I will learn and grow from it. And I will learn to trust my inner self when I sense a warning and not move forward against the will of my soul.  I’m glad the truth has come out about this other woman because I needed to know the truth, and it has given me the knowledge that I need to redirect my life and to make a more loving decision for myself by letting him go. And as I have opened myself to the truth, the other woman can do the same if she chooses to, but whether she does or not, I am not responsible for her choices – only my own.  I love and respect myself and the feelings of the other woman enough to continue in a relationship that is not true to who I am.”

    Your self talk may be slightly different, depending on what truths resonate with you the most. Your truth statements will help you put the situation in its proper perspective and aid in healing your emotions and bringing about the peace of mind that you need right now. This is a time of letting go for you so you can embrace other opportunities that await you when you free up your mental space and your time from the pain you’re going through and this man. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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