Realizing I'm "the other woman"

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    Some evidence had recently manifested that has revealed that the man I’ve been intimately involved with has a long distance relationship with a woman he went to med school with. When I first met him, he was new in town for his residency. Over time, it was obvious he was emotionally unavailable but I didn’t listen to my inuition of the warning signs. I’m feeling so hurt that I’ve been put in this situation as I’m morally not okay with committing adultery. I want to cut ties with this toxic man. But the guilt in my conscience is gnawing at me. I feel so much pain and empathy for the girlfriend who has no idea. Can anyone think of a mantra to south my soul of feeling this guilt for her?


    Dear Chelsea:

    You did not commit adultery (voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his spouse) because he is not married.

    He had a long distance girlfriend and you didn’t know about her existence, so you are not guilty.

    I don’t know of a mantra. Hope you feel better soon.



    Hi Chelsea,

    I can sympathize with what you’re going through.  I know it is very painful and the betrayal is grueling.  I agree with Anita that your situation is not adultery, but because it isn’t adultery, it’s obviously a violation of your trust, the relationship and your moral code. Your soul is telling you what is true for you regarding this situation and is presenting you with another opportunity to listen and respond – and not continue to ignore this painful truth about this man as you mentioned you had done early on.

    Now, you must stand in your truth, and when you do, peace will come, and somehow the pain you feel will be transformed. You still may feel some intermittent sadness or disappointment, but it won’t be as intense.


    Here’s what helped me to get through a similar situation. I had to reframe the situation. I wrote down different ways of thinking about the situation that were both true and convincing to me. Then, I selected the option that my self could believe and rest with. So, here’s some self talk that is a blend of what I used and tweaked for what I gleaned from the information that you provided:  “I did not voluntarily create this situation, but I will learn and grow from it. And I will learn to trust my inner self when I sense a warning and not move forward against the will of my soul.  I’m glad the truth has come out about this other woman because I needed to know the truth, and it has given me the knowledge that I need to redirect my life and to make a more loving decision for myself by letting him go. And as I have opened myself to the truth, the other woman can do the same if she chooses to, but whether she does or not, I am not responsible for her choices – only my own.  I love and respect myself and the feelings of the other woman enough to continue in a relationship that is not true to who I am.”

    Your self talk may be slightly different, depending on what truths resonate with you the most. Your truth statements will help you put the situation in its proper perspective and aid in healing your emotions and bringing about the peace of mind that you need right now. This is a time of letting go for you so you can embrace other opportunities that await you when you free up your mental space and your time from the pain you’re going through and this man. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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