March 20, 2017 at 9:03 pm #140869Blue OceanParticipant
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We have been living together for 3 1/2 years, since I was 17. I have been very unhappy for most of our relationship. There have been some good times, some laughs, ect. But we have had countless terrible fights that would end with me in a ball sobbing and him yelling at me saying what a terrible person I was. I completely changed and felt like I have been a shell of myself for years. I have become a quiet, sad person and havn’t been able to make friends. I always hoped that if I was better he would love me more and treat me better. Last week I decided to leave. I told him and once he realized I was serious he vroke down. He cried and said he qould do anything, that he was sorry and would change. I stayed out of mostly guilt, I know it’s only a week later but I still don’t feel the same way about him. I don’t want him to touch me, and I don’t want to be physical with him. But I care so much for him. I tried to leave again tonight but he convinced me to atay…I almost wish we would fight so it would be easier to leave. I don’t want to make a mistake, but even if hw changes I don’t know if my feelings will go back to what they were. He can be so sweet and playful and talk to me on suxh a deep level qhen he wants to, but I am afraid if I stay things will return to how they used to be and I will be stuck. I also moved 800 miles from home to be with him, so leaving is harder. I wish I knew what my gut was saying. Should I stay and keep teying? Or ahould I just get this over with?</p>March 21, 2017 at 4:42 am #140893InkyParticipant
Hi Blue Ocean,
You should leave and not tell him you’re leaving. Take an Uber to a bus station or train station or airport. Call your family to pick you up from a second undisclosed location. Or take advantage of your local women’s shelter which you will use temporarily until you can figure out how to come home. After several years you will have a lot of stuff in your apartment/house. Leave the stuff. Forget the stuff. The stuff isn’t important. Just go home.
InkyMarch 21, 2017 at 6:42 am #140927anitaParticipant
Dear Blue Ocean:
That feeling that you have when he yells at you and tells you what a terrible person you are, that feeling doesn’t go away when he is sweet and playful, does it?
Can you imagine it is possible for a person to be sweet and playful AND never yell at you, never tell you that you are a terrible person? It is possible to have a boyfriend that respects you all of the time.
To have a consistently loving boyfriend, one who makes you feel safe because you can rely on him to never attack you, you do need to leave this one.
anitaMarch 21, 2017 at 9:06 am #140957ValerieParticipant
Dear Blue Ocean,
“I have been very unhappy for most of our relationship.” There it is. You know the answer. I know it hurts and it is scary, but trust me, in one year from now, you will be GLAD you ended this relationship. In one year from now, you won’t be the same person anymore – you’ll be happier and you’ll be able to make new friendships. But in order to be happy, you need to be free. Free yourself from a Person who makes you feel like a terrible Person. That’s not who you are.
ValerieMarch 23, 2017 at 4:57 am #141327MirandaParticipant
Hi Blue Ocean,
I’m sorry for your pain. You need to be convinced within yourself about what they need to do, and you already have the answer. You simply need to detach from your feelings about him for a while and stand back long enough to realize it. With that said, if we go back to what you’ve already said, you will find that your soul (gut) has been speaking but maybe you haven’t been ready to listen. So, listen to what your soul has said through your words: (1) you have been very unhappy for most of your relationship. (2) there have been countless fights that resulted in (a) you in a ball sobbing and (b) him yelling at you and telling you what a terrible person you are. (3) you changed to accommodate him and felt like you have been a shell of yourself for years (4) you decided to leave BUT stayed mostly out of guilt (5) you don’t feel the same way about him and don’t want him to touch you etc (6) you tried to leave again but was again convinced to stay (7) you wish for a fight to make it easier TO LEAVE.
Blue Ocean, the above statements are your reality and your truth. Acknowledge your truth in this situation or the truth will follow you like a dog chasing its tail. Being silent about your truth and not acknowledging it will keep you stuck in a rut, hurting and confused. Only you can answer the question: How long are you willing to be unhappy and in a relationship that does not love and support you and the depth of who your are? When you are sick and tired of being manipulated with tears that have no substance behind them that will empower him to follow through and change, and when you get sooo tired missing out on true happiness, joy and the freedom to be yourself, then you will make a quality decision and let your boyfriend go.
I wish I could throw a warm comforter around you, give you some dark chocolate and assure you that things will be alright, but I can only give you these words. And if you follow your heart, and the words you have written here about your situation are the substance of your heart, you will be fine. You just have to love yourself enough to say no to how this man is treating you and the unhappiness and pain you are enduring in this relationship. And say YES to loving yourself and getting your life back. You’ve tried to leave twice and he convince you to stay.
Next time just leave while he’s gone to work and don’t tell him anything. Simply leave a note saying “goodbye.” You’ve already said all there is to say. And if you know there’s a chance you might be vulnerable to staying, don’t place yourself in that situation, simply leave without discussing it any further. And I would not suggest doing it while he’s around because, you will only make it harder for yourself. And don’t be tempted to tell him where you are going or to explain. Simply break the connection and go. Do it for yourself. One more word: You seem to think more about him and how he will feel than you do about yourself, your life and your happiness. Loving things and people will come to you when you begin to love yourself first. Start by loving yourself enough to leave someone who is mistreating you. Absolutely no one should be telling you what a horribe person you are. I don’t even know you, and I can tell that you are NOT a horribe person! Be happy.