Hot & Cold

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    Long story short, I met this guy through mutual friends about seven months ago. He pursued me through social media and I knew through our mutal friends that we was into me. (Granted I did have to message him first) we hung out constantly for two weeks and he was leaving to travel for 4 months. During the time he was gone, we talked everyday and got really close. He would always tell me how special I was and how much he missed me. It’s been about two months now since he’s been back and at first things were still prettt good, but for the past month it’s been getting awful. He says his last relationship was very toxic and that he never wants to jump into anything fast again. I’ve met his sister and his dad and a couple of his friends. But he constantly likes other girls selfies on social media, even going far back into their timeline and liking things. I’m starting to feel weird and he’s getting manipulative. But when i voice my concerns he dis ises them. It all sucks because now i’m getting really attached to him and have no idea what to do anymore.


    Hey Jasmine,

    I don’t have anything to say about this guy you’re dating, because first i don’t know him and maybe he really had a toxic relationship and want to take time to be sure of what he’s doing with you.

    There is two things you should think about and it might be relevant for any of your futur relationship. First, always trust your instinct, it’s something powerful, even if sometimes it’s hard to trust it when you’re emotionaly involve. If deep inside you feel something is wrong, take your time and listen to it, ask yourself why it feels wrong. Always trust your instinct 😉

    The second one is a quote from a movie, ” We accept the love we think we deserve ” .What kind of love do you think you deserve ? When you start a relationship, or when you have hard time with your loved one, keep asking yourself ( and yourselves ) this simple question to keep each other honest. My girlfriend and I lived ( and are still living ) challenging moment full of doubt and questionning and we always come back to this question.

    Take care of yourself 😉


    Hi Jasmine. Why did you “have to message him first”?  Did he request that or did you not want to wait for him to contact you? In the future, wait him out.  As you mentioned, this guy “constantly likes other girls’ selfies on social media,” and that makes you feel “weird  – and “he’s getting manipulative.” You’ve described clearly how what’s going on with this guy is making you feel, and none of it is good. If he won’t listen to your concerns, you are setting yourself up to be hurt even more which will make you doubt yourself and your worthiness as a companion.  Is this really the kind of relationship that you want: (1)  a relationship that does not value your concerns and “dismisses them” (2) a relationship that makes you feel “weird” and confused about how he feels about you (3) a relationship that makes you feel insecure and like you are in competition with other women?  I honestly believe this guy is playing you and leading you on. However, I feel that this is difficult for you and that you’re not quite convinced that his intentions are not favorable.  To get clear on what’s going on here and how you feel, I would suggest you get a sheet of paper and make two columns – one column that lists all the things you really like about this guy and a second column with all the things that bothers you or that you don’t like about him. And in parenthesis beside each item  in the columns write down how whatever you’ve written in each column makes you feel. And I’d like you to complete this exercise without making excuses or trying to downplay your feelings or his actions. Just be truthful about what you like and what you don’t and how they make you feel. Then see which column not only has the most entries, but consider the impact that some of these things you’ve written are having on your self-esteem, your confidence and your emotional wellbeing.  Seeing these things in writing should help clarify and confirm what you need to do.  I’d hate to see you hurt, and I feel this relationship is setting you up for pain and insecurity.  I hope this exercise will help give you clarity.  Beyond the exercise, I’d suggest you seriously consider letting this guy go without pursuing any further contact with him.  I’d further suggest meeting this guy in a public place or calling him and letting him know with confidence and great love for yourself that – the relationship isn’t working for you and you won’t be seeing him again.  After delivering the recommended message, don’t hang around and get side tracked. No, you don’t want to be friends. No, he can’t call. No, you can’t talk on social meeting. Nothing more needs to be said. Make a B-line to the door and leave.  You don’t need him to explain because it will only lead to more manipulation and half-truths, and you’ve already tried to explain your concerns and he dismissed them. Timeout for all that now.   If you need convincing about what to do, re-read your post above and this message, and read over the exercise I mentioned to make things a bit clearer for you. Please don’t hang around and allow this guy to manipulate you. If you linger, get longwinded etc, the manipulation will begin, and ultimately he will make you feel as if  you have the wrong idea and that your concerns are not valid. And if you listen too long, you may begin to believe him.  So, I would not suggest any extensive dialogue with this guy. You’ve already tried that and gotten nowhere. Don’t place yourself in a situation for him to manipulate you any further.  Block his access to you; block his phone number on your phone; and defriend him on social media. You have to protect yourself from his manipulation and his ability to potentially play and prey on your emotions.  You will find that the happier that you are with yourself and who your are, the more you will attract men who can value and appreciate you as you are. Focus on loving yourself and the goodness that is within you and the right man will find you when he finds you. Love and peace!


    Hi Jasmine,

    I agree with Miranda’s suggestion, especially the last part on how to powerfully and gracefully end it.

    Just say, “I can’t take someone seriously who “Likes” photos from all these girls going back years.”

    Then when he (tries to) dismiss your concerns, shake your head like he’s a little brother you feel sorry for and dismiss him.



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