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  • #162224
    LotusLove
    Participant

    Hi.

    this is the first time I’ve ever asked for advice in this kind of way… but here goes nothing.

     

    I have been in a serious relationship for around 8 months now, and we moved in together 2 months ago.

     

    Since this time, he has been liking other girls pictures (revealing ones) & a lot of them on social media I asked him to stop and it still carried on – a little less but he was still doing it.

     

    Then this morning I found a rude video of his ex on his iPad and when confronted he said I am insecure and all these names which I don’t believe I am, I just had a gut feeling …

     

    now I just don’t know what to do. He said he doesn’t want to be with me but he always says this then changes his mind.

     

    Please help 🙁

    xx

    #162226
    LotusLove
    Participant

    P.s. Apart from these issues on a day to day basis we get on really well. But now I feel I cannot trust him <\3

    #162252
    Marie
    Participant

    Hello Dear..Leave him! That’s all I can say.

    #162282
    Miranda
    Participant

    Hi LotusLove,

    So sorry you are going through this.  You accurately titled your post Head or Heart?  I’m confident that you already know the answer that you seek, but it’s probably hard for you to follow what you know or to keep that answer in your awareness.  So that’s what friends are for, to help confirm and help you to acknowledge your truth so you can do what’s best for your life.

    With that said, I hope something here can help convince your brain to do what your heart knows is right for you and what will bring peace.  Your heart and your brain are playing tug-of-war right now, and only you can decide who will win.

    A situation like this is only another form of cheating, and it feels like cheating to the other partner.  So, no matter what he says, it’s called cheating, emotional cheating.  And emotional cheating, like all other cheating, hurts and it’s inappropriate for any committed and/or serious relationship.

    You’ve been with your boyfriend for only eight (8) months and decided to move in together about two (2) months ago, meaning you guys were only together six (6) months before moving in together and sooner than that before deeming the relationship serious.  In my opinion, it is rare for a relationship to have a serious, committed foundation in six months or less.   It’s not impossible but it’s rare.  People are complex, and it can be challenging to really know a person in six months especially to the point of making him or her a live-in partner.

    Second, many but not all men want sex as soon as they can get it, and most women desire intimacy.  And the two never should be confused because sex is not intimacy and closeness.  Your boyfriend wants sex not intimacy.  Intimacy and closeness is something that develops with time as you share your lives and experiences and learn the intricacies of each other over time.  A person doesn’t have to know or care anything about you to participate in the act of sex.  It is knowing caring about and knowing the mind and heart of the other person who is the object of your passion that has the power to transform sex into intimacy.  And again, that takes time.

    Many women tend to get seriously involved way too soon.  We find someone we care about and whom we think cares about us, and we become naturally elated, and we consume ourselves with him.  All our fun is centered around him.  He becomes the center of our universe and things start moving faster than they need to, like a wildfire out of control.  But we have to learn to take things a bit slower; spread out the time we spend with our significant other early on so we can keep our heads and hearts clear.  Doing so allows us to be mindful about how we truly feel about the other person and evaluate the time we’re spending with them.   If we get immersed in them too quickly, we lose all sense of awareness of what’s going on beyond what we feel at the moment, and we miss the bigger picture that helps us to evaluate if this person is truly a good fit for who we are at this stage in our lives.   We  also may forget that we still need other people in our lives to help balance us out, to share with and provide perspective should we lose our own for a moment.

    It is easy to be fooled into thinking that the way a person is in our presence is the way they are all the time.  People can change with the wind depending the variables at play at the time and where they are in life.  And to assume otherwise is not wise, especially when we’ve not allowed ourselves sufficient time to observe the various aspects of another person.  A person can’t help but show us who they are, given time because no person can fake 24/7.   If they could, they’d BE a different person.

    The longer you go without making a decision about this painful relationship and delay walking in what is true and right for you, the longer you will be in pain and misery in this relationship.  And I feel confident in saying that your boyfriend can’t stop engaging in pornography on his own.  He may need professional help – and you are not it!  Please don’t allow your boyfriend to suck you into accepting blame for why he’s doing what he’s doing.  Or, make you feel like you must be his savior.  He must, of his own accord, desire to change and reach out to a professional for help, and it’s not your responsibility to be there should he decide to do so.  There is no guarantee that he will change or that he will desire to change even with professional help.  And that’s his choice, but don’t let it be yours.

    And I’m not sure if there’s a such thing as a little less pornography.  Does it feel better to you that he does it less?  Of course not.  So, to even acknowledge that he may be cheating a little less is your brain trying to pull one over on your heart to make you feel a little better about it all, but it’s not working because you are here in this forum seeking advice.  That’s a good thing to reach out when you’re hurting and need help,  but to tell yourself the truth about it is more power.  This is hurting you. You don’t like it and you want it to stop.

    You are not insecure.  You are not being unreasonable.   Follow you gut.  And most importantly follow your truth.  You know what is true for you.  You’ve already expressed it here.  You’ve asked him to stop, yet he persists in it.  Again, the question becomes, knowing these things what are you going to do to correct your course – not his?

    Now, here’s the show stopper.  When a man makes the mistake of telling you that he doesn’t want to be with you, shut it down!  There’s no, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean that.”  If he formed his lips to tell you that and allowed the words to roll out of his mouth – he meant.   If he didn’t mean it, he wouldn’t have said it to someone that he’s serious about and committed to.  And, “he always says this then changes his mind.”  What gives him the right to say hurtful words to you like that and then simply change his mind on a whim.  Serious relationships are not created on a whim; they are built over time.

    So, talk to your brain out loud.  Seriously, and tell yourself, that you love yourself enough – NOT – to allow yourself to be victimized like this, to be manipulated like this.  And, also tell yourself that “if Miranda and your other fellow sisters who have experienced the pain of a rotten relationship and poor choices can make it, so can you!”

    There are other good men who would love to spend their time and life with someone like you.  Don’t hate your boyfriend just don’t put up with his behavior either or spend your time with someone who only is tolerating you when you deserve to be celebrated for who you are!

    #162290
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi LotusLove,

    You’re not asking for much. You’re asking for him to stop Liking other girls’ inappropriate pics and videos. He says you’re insecure.

    You tell him you think it’s cute he thinks he’s a “play-ah” to look at soft porn while calling you names, but he’s not that cool.

    Move out (with all your stuff) the next time he’s at school/work/etc. Don’t even leave a note.

    Don’t worry, he’ll figure it out.

    Probably when you are with a grown man who’s not him!

    Best,

    Inky

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    #162304
    LotusLove
    Participant

    Miranda, Marie & Inky.

     

    Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your advice.

     

    The words you have spoken are truth because it’s nothing I didn’t already think myself, but sometimes you need to hear from someone else.

     

    This is going ing to keep happening if I carry on. I need to leave, but my tenancy agreement is 6 months in both of our names and doesn’t expire until November.

     

    I guess that is something I can work out for myself… I will get there!

    Broken hearted … but feeling self worthy and I know I’ll still be happy each day because I have so many other things to be thankful for 🙂

    #162424
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lotus Love,

    It is human nature, that men and women, even in relationships will look at attractive people. It’s just that “looking, glancing” nothing more. As long as it goes no further than that. This can be done in person, or on Social media. However, it is unacceptable for him to have a video/picture of innapropriate content of his ex. It’s immature and shows a lack of respect for women, his ex and you. As soon as he got it, he should have deleted it.

    #162742
    ACE
    Participant

    Hi

    As someone who has just come out of a long term relationship, an emotionally abusive one at that; I would definitely say to you to listen to your gut!!! I didnt listen to mine. It was constantly telling me that things were not right even though I loved him and besides the emotional abuse he also showed me the love and affection I wanted. He was always a bit ‘weird’ with his social media though. It took him 2 months before he would accept me as a friend after we met, then he would never, ever acknowledge he was with me anywhere, never tagging me or mentioning me and in the year we were together he only ever put 2 photos up of us together (I’m not sure if he limited the audience of these). I did question him about this, and we had a number of arguments. He would agree if it upset me then he would put more on of us, but he never did. My gut told me this wasnt right but I ignored it. I ignored all the control and emotional abuse too :(, or rather I didnt ignore it, I just didnt recognise it. It was 6 weeks after breaking up before I realised the abuse he put me through and that was only because I began to see a counsellor. Im not saying your boyfriend is abusive but he is manipulating this situation and if you dont like what he is doing and it doesnt sit right with you then you need to take whatever steps you feel are necessary to protect you from being hurt more. Good luck.

    #162750
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi LotusLove,

    I would be so mad at his treatment, I would say the heck with the lease and move out anyway. If he says anything, tell him, to have his ex move in, that way he can look at her without having to go to his I-pad. Grr. That’s just me though. I could not stand to stay a minute longer with a man who has a picture of his ex and his complete lack of respect for you. Just do what’s in your heart, not out of lease requirements. He can find another roommate. I would just get out and end all contact with him.

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