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Having zero to offer anybody.

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  • #162972
    Dustin
    Participant

    Hi

    I was thinking I’m 54 year old bachelor with nothing to offer anyone.I have a average job, I’m average looking,not that smart,not that rich.I don’t have really any interests maybe golf once a week but that’s about it.I own a modest little house but struggle with housework and cooking I can’t get motivated if I’m not at work I just lie in bed watching tv.I’ve thought of checking out but would only upset my ageing parents so I’d never do that to them.Anyway I’m not sure what to do life is so boring I have no friends these days all went as they married and moved etc.

    Thank you regards Dustin.

    #163014
    Peter
    Participant

    Wow you wrote my story. I am also a 54-year-old bachelor, living modestly, with aging parents and little social life.

    I am concerned as I’m not sure how I will get on if I continue to be unable to envision something changing. My work keeps me preoccupied, killing time, which I am grateful for but my weekends can be hell.  I am not depressed though I am sad.  Its becoming more and more difficult to connect to others and a part of me wonders if I might be less sad if I just accept life as it is as based on my actions I must want to be alone.

    I have no answers Dustin but I’m begging to think there are a lot of us out there in the same position.

    #163016
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dustin:

    Do you remember the times when you had hopes and dreams? When the future seemed promising, something to look forward to?

    If you do, can you share about those hopes and dreams and what happened to them?

    anita

    #163172
    CC
    Participant

    I lost everything due to a bad decision I made in my 40s (when I was supposed to be cruising along at the prime of my career).  I accept the consequences for my actions and the price that I had to pay.

    Here’s what helped me get through losing my job, my wife, and a lot of my friends.

    At the beginning, I took the view that things could be worse.  It helped me before I got into counseling.

    I got into counseling and group therapy.  Having people to talk to who understood what I was going through was a lifesaver.  I wasn’t alone.  Group therapy helped me see others had similar issues and were taking actions to improve themselves.  It also gave me tools.  Counseling did the same and was more in depth because an hour was focused on me.

    I also started attending 12 Step programs.  I wasn’t alone.  Others were going through the same things.  Some were in recovery and were thriving.  I found a sponsor who made me work the steps.  I did a lot of writing.  My sponsor called me out when I wasn’t fully looking at myself.  My counselor did the same.  There were times I didn’t like either of them because it hurt to accept certain things and to start taking actions to change them for the better.

    I called people in my group therapy daily in the beginning since isolation is horrible.  It was a requirement for a while.  I didn’t want to do it, but I never felt alone when I was talking with people for several hours a day.

    I started going to breakfast with people from group therapy and coffee with the people from the 12 Step groups.  I didn’t feel alone and it was good to get out and around people.

    I attended 12 Step groups almost every day in the beginning.  I needed to be around people to not feel alone.

    I learned that I had to take the next best action (whatever it was, i.e. looking for work, making calls to people, working the steps).  The feeling (feeling better, less stress, etc.) followed taking the next best action.

    Getting out around people who were going through similar problems really helped me.  I never felt isolated and had faith that things would get better having heard other people’s stories of losing it all and working hard to get back into a good place.

    Your issue isn’t the same, but the general principals work.  Get involved in some sort of group so that you are around people.  That is the key since we’re social creatures and isolation is hard on ones mental health.  If you have an issue that might be resolved by a 12 Step group, you’ll likely get phone numbers of people who will talk to you about what your facing.  That can be a lifesaver.

    Go to counseling, if needed.  Sometimes it was just talking about what was going on.  Other times it was talking about how I felt everyone hated me.  Other times it was my therapist giving me tools to make myself a better person.  It was worth the money I spent (and it was expensive, but well worth it).

    Take the next best action and the feeling will follow: Start talking to people.  Say hi to clerks at the grocery store or gas station or wherever you see a person.  Start talking to neighbors.  Say hi to people at the golf club.  There are always a lot of people around.  You’ll find people will start to recognize you when you’re around town and it will brighten your day (and theirs).

    Smile, since smiling seems to make me feel better.

    Keep a journal and write about your feelings.  It doesn’t have to be any particular format.  I’ve done this and it really helps calm me down.  I’ve written things and have felt immediately better after doing so.

    Since doing this, I’ve become friends with my ex.  I’ve found work in places I would have never thought of looking.  I’ve become a happier person.  And, I have new friends (since I lost and disconnected myself from old friends when I got myself into trouble).

    I see a bright future.  I’m fairly content even though I’m rebuilding.  I try to think of things I’m grateful every day.

    It works for me.  I’m not perfect and sometimes feel alone.  But, reaching out and talking to someone about anything always makes me happy.

    #163222
    Miranda
    Participant

    Hi Dustin,

    Sorry you are not happy with where you are in life at the moment.  I’m glad you’ve decided not to check out of life.  You life is important to your parents, and the world around you.  You just aren’t aware of it yet because you haven’t found your personal flow in life.  I believe everyone has a purpose, which makes our uniqueness and our lives important.  Additionally, everything you mentioned is changeable.

    However, when you are depressed, you may sometimes feel that your small world is “the world,” and it becomes hard to see options through the eyes of depression, isolation and loneliness. But there are always others with similar experiences so you are not alone.  It’s hard to see what you have to offer to anyone right now because you’re experiencing some depression and seem to feel that your cup of life is half empty.  But turn your cup upside down and it could be half full.

    Here are my suggestions to you:  Get up out of the bed.  Turn off the TV and take yourself outside your house to do something – anything.  Put on your favorite song and sing and dance (and laugh at yourself).  Go for a walk.  Sit on a bench around a lake.  Go fishing, jogging or zip-lining.  Since you like golf, join a golf club or meetup group.

    And, dude, you already golf once a week.  If you golf once a week, you have a few resources and some golf skills to boot! Why don’t you up your golf game?   Improve your game; register to play in amateur golf tournaments or something. (I don’t know anything about golf.) But register for and get involved in everything golf since that’s an interest for you, and you manage to get yourself out of the house once a week to play.  Use your interest in golf as motivation to at least get you moving and interacting more with your surroundings.  Or, take a leap of faith and try something new and adventurous.  Make a bucket list of things you want to do before you cross over or on a more positive note, things to do before you turn 60 and start doing those things.  If nothing else you’re creating adventures for yourself as well as opportunities to meet the people whom you will never meet at home watching television.  This is something that I do often, and it is so fulfilling.

    I know you may not feel like it, and you may not be motivated to do anything.  And that’s pretty typical with depression so if you have severe depression, make an appointment with your medical doctor, and see if medication might be able to help you regain a more positive mental state, which may help you recapture some of your energy to get yourself moving.  Believe it or not movement and sun light actually help wart off depression and impacts mood.

    It will take your making a quality decision that your life is not over and you will live it to it’s fullest until you’re gone.  I encourage you to press  your life’s reset button, and begin doing one small thing that keeps you active, engaged and outside – more.  Once you begin to feel better, you can tackle the inside of your home – cooking, cleaning etc, but to do that, you’ll need to feel better first so please do make an appointment with your doctor about the depression.

    Life will always be boring for as long as you are laying in the house and not getting out of the comfort zone of your bed so you can meet other people.  It’s very similar to the story about winning the lottery: You can’t win the lottery unless you buy a lottery ticket.  Decide what you’d like your life to look like, and make a list of things you can do to move you in the direction of the things that you’d like to see in your life.  And if you use the list of things you’d like to accomplish as a guide to direct your decision making, your decisions and choices will support the things you desire, and before you know it, your dreams will have come true.  Feel better and open your heart to the world outside your doorsteps.

    Miranda

    #163224
    sparkle00
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dustin, please don’t give up on yourself. You’re not average and somewhere there is someone lovely waiting for you to come into their world. Start joining a club maybe the gym or go walking where others do workouts.   Start chatting to people.  There’s nothing wrong with being who you are. Take the first step and things will change.</p>

    #163228
    Dustin
    Participant

    Thank you for all the great responses and ideas it really means a lot to know people I don’t even know would take the time to read my silly story and give me some ideas.

    Depression I may have so it’s hard to find the motivation to push on. I’m social at work and friendly but no one really knows my private boring life.Once I’m home from work I don’t talk with anyone all evening and all the weekend until Monday when I’m back at work.

    I think cause I never married or had a family I have no purpose only to work to pay my bills food etc.

    I’ve got 2 weeks leave starting next week but nowhere to go it’s boring going away alone I used to do it when I was younger but can’t get motivated to do it as an older man now.

    I think I still had dreams then but not so much being older.I should do some housework but I’ve said that before and it hasn’t happened.

    Thanks again everyone it means so much to connect and get some ideas.

    Regards Dustin

     

    #163262
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dustin:

    I have no doubt that there are women out there, existing not far from where you are living, who would love to live with you, live what you call your boring life. These are women whose life has been chaotic, unsettling, women who moved too often, and/ or who had too many jobs or periods of unemployment, women who were involved with men whose lives were too… interesting. Oh, how relieved such a woman would be to have a life with .. a boring man like you. And she would make it a bit more interesting for you. A quiet, unassuming life, and a vacation from it once in a while, together. Here, I am dreaming for you while it is you who should be doing your own dreaming.

    anita

    #163278
    Dustin
    Participant

    Than you Anita I never thought of it that way I have simple tastes and am definitely not a demanding type of person.I must admit I don’t go looking to meet anybody I don’t make the effort at all it’s so much work I think and if it has hasn’t happened at my age I feel like it’s not meant to be maybe it’s fate who knows?The thought of somebody who likes me as much as I like them doesn’t seem possible so I just don’t really bother making the effort.I can’t complain really I have a roof over my head and a job and a car so I’m ok.My elderly parents are still alive witch is amazing.Once they are gone I know it will be tougher not having them around to talk with.I’ll take each day as it comes Anita in the meantime work gives me purpose even if I don’t really enjoy it.Thank you for taking time to respond and converse with me.

    Regards Dustin

    #163284
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dustin:

    You are welcome. And I do know, even though I know very little about you, still I know that you do have something valuable to offer someone. It is about a compatibility between what you have to offer and what the other person needs, and vice versa.

    anita

    #163286
    Naturelover
    Participant

    Hi Dustin,

    I feel that love and relationships aren’t about what the other person has to offer. It’s deeper then that, somebody can simply like your company and that is all it takes to have a great partner in life. So don’t feel like you have nothing to offer, if your kindhearted and courteous to others then just being you is enough!

    Also, think about all the bad things you don’t have! For example, drug addiction, huge debt etc. you may be in a good position by not what you “have” but what you don’t have.

    if your feeling bored there are a few things I can suggest. Firstly, think about what you want in a partner and let that inspire you. It doesn’t mattter if it’s a younger women or an older women.

    Laugh at things and have a good sense of humour

    and if your still bored I highly suggest you try surfing.

    you can try it in so many places these days. Any ocean, the Great Lakes have waves, there are even specific surf wave pools in places like Texas now.

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