August 9, 2017 at 5:01 pm #163166LeocubeParticipant
I’ve talked about this before and I try to look into myself and find an answer, but I can’t, the problem isn’t getting better. I don’t like to be around my family. I realize that they are good people, I just want to be alone by myself. I moved out and got a job at 18 and have been living alone since. I’m 22 now and my parents have just decided to move in with me. They don’t speak english and so I can’t just leave them alone to live by themselves, so I agreed to let them move in with me. Since my brother is attending uni and has a reason not to take them in (dorm), I’m left with that responsibility. I live in a small 2 bedroom house that I bought so it’s natural that they live there.
Since they moved in, I’ve been really stressed out. The noise that they make, their talking, their laughing, their presence just annoy me to hell. I can’t sleep well because I get so angry at night in my bed thinking about them. I started drinking secretly in my own room so I could go to sleep. I don’t know why but whenever they talk to me, I get really angry. I just want to be left alone. I hate that they constantly knock on my door for the littlest things like telling me that they’ve just gotten grocery, or they met someone interesting that day, or they jsut want to talk since they haven’t seen me in 4 years. I want to yell in their face to shut up and go back to our home country (not nice, I know). I don’t hate them, I just want to be alone. They can live happily with my brother and be a happy family with my brother, I just don’t want to be a part of that. What should I do to improve this situation? Should I tell them to go?August 9, 2017 at 8:08 pm #163196MirandaParticipant
Sorry you are unhappy with your living arrangements. In some ways I can relate to your situation. I’ve had similar situations in my family. So what made your parents just decide to move in with you – or to move at all? Did they move to the USA from a different country and decided to stay with you until they got situated or were they already in the USA? You said “they decided to move in with you.” How did your parents living with you come to be, and if they were living by themselves before, why not now?
My thought is that your parents are living with you because of what you said “They don’t speak English and so I can’t just leave them alone to live by themselves…” Not being able to speak English seldom prevents people from living independently. They may need your help periodically to translate or to help them with paperwork, take care of business etc, but they still could live on their own. Many non-English speaking people do it everyday. If your parents lived on their own before moving in with you, I’m sure they are capable of doing so now. They are mature adults with a daughter and son nearby whom they can call if they need assistance speaking the language, or they can enroll in a course.
Sometimes we get stuck in situations that don’t reflect what is true for us simply because we either won’t allow ourselves to embrace other alternative solutions, are afraid to hurt someone’s feelings or afraid to speak up. Only you can determine why your parents are living with you if you prefer that they live elsewhere when other options do exist for them to live on their own. If your parents are out and about shopping and such, they seem to be of reasonable health. It would seem that otherwise healthy parents, who have some level of financial stability would be able to live independently in their own home with some assistance from you and your brother to help them with the language barrier when conducting business etc.
I believe that you love your family, but you simply don’t want to live with them because you want to safeguard your personal space and solitude, which is understandable. I feel the same way. From here on out, when family members stay with me, it is a temporary situation and not a longterm housing solution. I enjoy my personal space and time; it nurtures and restores me. And when I have family and guests, it’s because I invited them to visit – not to live with me, which leave me in control of my life and space. And, it also provides me with the boundaries that I need to retain my own peace of mind.
There may be times when it may be necessary to have a family member live with you if you chose to do so because they are ill or for some other reason of your choosing. However, until the choices you make align with your true desires, the conflict and resentment that you feel inside will continue. I’ve been where you are, and it’s not nice.
Keep in mind that your happiness in this or any situation is about your making decisions and choices that are true for you. It would be okay for your parents to live with you if that choice was true to what you feel in your heart and worked for you, but your decision is neither true to what’s in your heart nor is it a solution that works for the person that you are. So when you have a discrepancy between what’s in your heart and your actions, you’re bound to feel bad inside and experience discomfort. And what I just said is the only answer that I can pose for your situation because you have some decisions to make and boundaries to set for you life and home.
All the best,
MirandaAugust 10, 2017 at 3:35 am #163256anitaParticipant
Your last sentence in your thread is: “Should I tell them to go?” My answer: yes.
You wrote: “I live in a small 2 bedroom house that I bought so it’s natural that they live there.”- I disagree that it is “natural that they live there”, with you, that is. There is nothing natural in an individual suffering living in a group. In nature, an animal lives in a family or other social group (ex., a herd) because it is beneficial to the individual, it is a Win-Win situation, Win for the individual and Win for the group. In your situation it is clearly a Lose for you (and a Win for them).
It is taught in many families that an adult child should sacrifice his well-being so to accommodate the parents. That leads to a lot of personal suffering and dysfunction. There is nothing natural or honest about this. It is a teaching that is very convenient for parents, very self serving and very harmful to the adult child. It is regrettable.
I hope you find the courage to face the guilt of rejecting such regrettable teaching, the courage to face expected criticism, the courage to take care of your real responsibility, which is your own well-being, and remove them from your house as soon as possible, reasonable notice given, of course.
anitaAugust 10, 2017 at 4:57 am #163272InkyParticipant
I suggest you save up first and last month’s rent for them to live in an apartment nearby. And present it to them as a gift. I’m assuming they bring in some money to support themselves. Tell them truthfully that you love them but it is such a different culture here. That kids move back in with their parents only if they absolutely have to. Not the parents move in with the kid just because they want to.
The other problem is they are relatively isolated. Can you introduce them to other people who share the same language? Can you teach them 100 most often used English words and phrases? Talk to them in English? Leave the radio and TV on in the background for more immersion?
Your twenties should be a time when you live alone and are independent. And a two bedroom apartment is too small. Naturally you would feel irritated.
InkyAugust 12, 2017 at 3:29 pm #163638jayParticipant
Actually you shouldn’t tell them to move out or anything. You shouldn’t get a new apartment either. You’re irritated because you’re making yourself irritated. It’s that simple. Choose to be fully in the now, dis identify yourself from your ego, begin a meditation routine and remember that no one or no events in this world bother you. It’s your perception of it that’s irritating you (:August 14, 2017 at 11:18 am #163924LeocubeParticipant
Thank you for all your insights !
@Miranda My family all has green cards, but we were living in our native country during my Sophomore and Senior year, then I moved to the U.S when I graduated high school and been staying here since. My parents decided to come live in the U.S because they retired and would like to pursue the citizenship. Fair enough, I mean who wouldn’t?
I’m confident that they would be able to live alone by themselves. My dad doesn’t listen well, but writing and speaking is pretty much ok. My mom doesn’t speak the language at all. I just feel kind of bad to tell them to go live alone because they’re my parents. It’s a different culture they grew up in and I guess I do internalize some of that value. I moved out after living with my older brother for 2 months and it was easy because he was a slob and I didn’t care much for him, but it’s different for my parents because I feel like I owe them something for raising me. My brother already doesn’t give a hoot about my parents, so I feel bad if I tell them to go too. I want to be alone, but I’m afraid telling them that will affect our relationship. My dad likes to act tough, but I know he feels lonely.
@anita I feel conflicted because when I look at other families, they don’t have problems like this. None of my friends feel this way about their parents. Everybody wants to live together and be with their parents, especially kids studying abroad like me. When I go on facebook, I see bunch of loving messages from friends to their parents, saying how much they miss their parents, how much they want to see them. I just don’t feel that way, I felt liberated when I moved to the U.S. I feel like it’s just me who feels this way and not the teaching. Growing up, I’ve been told countless time by my family that I was self-serving, cynical, and just over all hard to deal with, so I don’t know if I feel this way because I’m a bad person, or if it’s just who I am.
I believe living with my parents serve me no good. I used to wake up at 6am and cook breakfast and exercise and be on my merry way to work. Now that they’re here, I spent most of my time at home in my room like a teenager because I just don’t like their presence. I’ve started taking up more hours at work because working feels better than being at home. How should I talk to them about what I want? What do I say? I don’t express myself around my family very much, and I suck at expressing myself in my native language. It just feels weird to sit them down and have a “heart to heart talk”. Just thinking about it makes my stomach drop.
@Inky Thanks for your suggestion. My parents have plenty of money since they’re retired and some close friends living in here in the U.S. I’m sure they would be ok living alone after a while, but I’m worried for them. They are almost 60 years old, they’re healthier than the average person, but they’re still old, and doesn’t know the culture well. I don’t know if I’m just being over protective. I wish they would hate me so it would be easier for me to leave them.
@jay Thanks for the suggestion, I’ve heard great things about meditation, although I’ve tried before but didn’t seem to work. Would I be able to sever the emotional connection that I have to my family if I meditate?
August 15, 2017 at 8:06 am #164026anitaParticipant
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Leocube.
You “moved out and got a job at 18 and have been living alone since. (You’re) 22…live in a small 2 bedroom house that (you) bought”- this is success at a very young age: what a shame it is that you are being punished for your success, that it is because you were able to purchase a house, that it is now the place where you accommodate your parents. It will be a shame if your success of four years will come to an end, becoming a distant memory.
The other people you wrote about, who post loving messages to their parents, a few of them may be sincere, others may not, being motivated by guilt, just like you, wanting to appear “good” because, like you, they feel “a bad person” otherwise.
You have to take care of yourself and remove your parents from your home. If you don’t, who will take care of you? Your parents are not taking care of you- they don’t even notice that you are distressed.
I understand your conflict: the great majority of us are raised by parents who instill in us a duty, a self serving duty (serving the parents’ interest, that is) to owe them. So we feel guilt otherwise, like we are bad people if we don’t sacrifice our well being to accommodate them.
We cannot be well unless we operate for our well-being and avoid operating against our well-being. Save yourself from this ongoing deterioration of your well-being, the undoing of your early success. Overcome the learned, unjustified guilt. Since your parents have the means to live by themselves, my goodness, it is a no-brainer: they should live by themselves!
anitaMay 20, 2018 at 7:13 pm #208363CiParticipant
Thanks Anita. I’m going through the same situasituation and it’s distressing me a lot. I pracpractice gratitude a lot..and try to see the good side of it..but it leaves me crippling in many levels. I was on my own happy and now absolutely miserable as they try to control every aspect of my life…and they don’t even sit and talk,no love laughter so disconnected.September 30, 2018 at 10:53 am #228219ChelleParticipant
Oh dear, Leocube, I can totally relate to you. I feel the same, I love my parents but I can’t be around them all the time. I moved out of home at age 21, 18 years ago and moved to a different state (in Australia) and lived happily on my own for 18 years, loved it all. I had to move back to my home state end of last year, as opportunities became better here than where I had moved to. I have had to move back in to live with the parents, fortunately it is only temporary as I am building my own house which will be finished very soon. It has taken nearly 7 months to complete the house, but it will be finished next month, but for the last 10 months I have been living with my parents and omg I have been feeling the same things you have been, Leocube and I thought, am I selfish, self serving and all but I realised I am just an independent person who loves my own space and doing my own thing. I felt so much for you when you said you had been getting up at 6 am and cooking and all, and then suddenly you had been staying in your room all the time like a teenager, as that is exactly like me. I have been cooped up in the bedroom I’m staying in and not feeling like wanting to come out at all (except to do my artworks, which I was doing in the main area until I decided to take it all into the formal dining room that they don’t use and put plastic down on the table and all so it’s quieter but still not the same as my own studio that I had at my old place) and I just don’t feel like seeing them all the time and don’t want to talk all the time, finding it a bit hard. But I know in my mind I will be out of here soon, in a few weeks time. You’re not alone for sure and I hope your parents have since moved out. They really should not have moved in with you, that was rude, they could buy their own or rent a place.September 30, 2018 at 10:53 am #228221ChelleParticipant
Ci, you are most definitely not alone, feel for you having to go through all that, it’s horrible. I hope you have been able to sort that out and got your own space back again?May 20, 2020 at 11:23 am #356132jenna smitParticipant
I have to agree with Jay. You feel irritated because you allow yourself to feel irritated. Meditation will help but also the knowledge that feelings do not have to be a direct link between you and your environment. for example just because someone cut you off while driving does not mean you must get upset and angry.
Also, you need to work on your communication. How are your parents supposed to know you are upset with them if you don’t talk to them, in a constructive way of course(do not confront them when you are angry). this will also help improve your communication in future relationships. Obviously you are feeling upset and have been holding those feeling back from your parents. When you are open and honest with your parents about those feelings then you can work on improving the situation to better suit your needs. Perhaps ask to not be disturbed while you are in your room. help them make friends by connecting them with people from similar backgrounds. help sign them up for an ESL course, bonus they will meet people in similar situations and build friendships outside of you. help them financially so that they can eventually move out (remember they helped you financially and brought you into this world sometimes you have to return the favor).
Sometimes it’s not easy to give, but doing this for your parents is extremely generous of you. Your parents won’t be around forever, try to enjoy the time you have with them. Don’t backtrack now and burn the bridge.
summary: work on communication and realize that feelings are not direct links to your environment also enjoy the time you have with your parents they won’t be around forever.