Hello everyone, love and peace to everyone.

This post is going to be about my complicated thought-patterns which have become huge demons which i can’t come up a solution for and is destroying my self-esteem, confidence, identity, and my best and most valued relationships. If anyone could help me i would be so happy.

To understand me at all i have to bring up that i am a magician (illusionist) and i used to love doing magic for people but im starting to totally forget my purpose and the reson for performing and i also have started to think that it is bad for me to do illusions because it is literally manipulating people and the picture i have of my-self. Which is a problem of it self, i will get in to it a bit later in the post.

To start of, about 4 years ago i had a spiritual awakening and i have never felt so calm and peaceful since then, it lasted for about a year and in that time i found my purpose (doing magic and drawing) i was happy everyday and was in the flow state constantly. I am not sure exactly why i felt so good under that period of my life but i just had this glowing light inside of me, i went exersising, practiced what i loved and had alot of good friends and felt like i had infinite time. The main reason which made me feel enlightened and awakened was my use of psychadelic substances, many of you may say they are dangerous and i understand now why. I might have come to the truth too early and i think i did a spiritual bypass of some sort. I have a friend which at this time was in a mental hospital because they told him he had some issues with being bipolar or having some mental issues which he still takes prescription drugs for ( this will make more sense soon). Eventually he got out of the hospital because they told he had gotten better and since he was one of my best friends before he had to go to the hospital i started hanging with him constantly after that, this is the second year after he got out. He also tried psychadelics to open his mind and he likes it very much ( he tells me it opens his mind and that he is starting to feel very self aware and very well) But since then i have started gradually starting feeling worse, i don’t know if it is because of him or because of myself. I feel like it is hard to keep any boundaries around him and that i constantly have to see him and do what he does, he is very happy and i am happy for him but i’m not happy and i miss the feeling had before. I have tried to be alone and set up boundaries which have worked to some extent but i still feel like i never have enough energy and that i just feel worse everyday. I have tried to do the same things as i used to but everything seems to be pointless and meaningless. I just feel unauthentic and i don’t know who i am by myself. The magic i did under the time i felt good was serving my false picture of myself and selfesteem, it was almost a cover for being accepted. Now when my values have changed i always think of ”art” as not being me but just a gift that i have gotten that i cant really take credit for myself. I feel really small and worthless at this point in time, i feel like i have everything in the world (profession, amazing friends, loving parents and relatives) but still feel like nothing adds to my happiness, almost if everytime i wake up i just feel like everything that felt good the day before just went all through my heart and didn’t add to anything and feels pointless. I have tried so many different things to make me happy but it constantly feel like i am hungry for something or that i have to get something more to be happy for a little while but it always goes away and i start feeling the same way. Some days i feel better and i start to think that i might start to get happy again but suddenly i can feel very weak and low energy again and feel like i cant even see my friend because they feel like im just being negative and sad. I am imbaressed to be around my friends who enjoy life so much and have spiritual lives and i just feel like im a fraud and am dragging them down to my level. It just feels it is getting worse, i’m often very silent because i feel i don’t have anything positive to say and every time i say something i feel i have to push it and it just immediatly distrupts the energy field and i can see it in my friends face-expressions. Im addicted to thinking and i can’t stop, i always think after saying something, and usually i get bad voices who discourage me. It just feel like hell sometimes, that i cant even be happy around my best friend. I am afraid that i will lose him because i can’t relate to his happiness, he is joyful almost always and i envy him for that and seing myself in him just makes it even worse.

To add to the problem i have a ex-girlfriend which i still meet and i can never decide if i really want to be together with her or not. She loves me very much and i explained to her that i don’t want anything right now but just friends. But i feel like im keeping her on a leach that she can’t get away from because im not even sure myself if i want her or not in the future. I dont know if i will eventually start to love her if i get together or if love should be something you know in beforehand. Im so indecisive and feel diffrent everyday. Sometimes i just hate her and know i don’t want to be together with her but other times i feel like she is the only girl i know that knows me well and that she is good girlfriend material but for some reason i just dont feel attracted to her and that she constantly manipulates me to do stuff with her because otherwise i would not want to go out. I feel drained around her and again, i don’t know if it is because of me i feel drained or because she drains me.

Sorry for the long post i just have to get these things of my mind, i understand it is very long to answer but i would appreciate it very much if somebody could help me out. I just feel lost atm.