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Trouble being authentic and happy

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  • #183705
    crawford
    Participant

    Hello everyone, love and peace to everyone.

    This post is going to be about my complicated thought-patterns which have become huge demons which i can’t come up a solution for and is destroying my self-esteem, confidence, identity, and my best and most valued relationships. If anyone could help me i would be so happy.

    To understand me at all i have to bring up that i am a magician (illusionist) and i used to love doing magic for people but im starting to totally forget my purpose and the reson for performing and i also have started to think that it is bad for me to do illusions because it is literally manipulating people and the picture i have of my-self. Which is a problem of it self, i will get in to it a bit later in the post.

    To start of, about 4 years ago i had a spiritual awakening and i have never felt so calm and peaceful since then, it lasted for about a year and in that time i found my purpose (doing magic and drawing) i was happy everyday and was in the flow state constantly. I am not sure exactly why i felt so good under that period of my life but i just had this glowing light inside of me, i went exersising, practiced what i loved and had alot of good friends and felt like i had infinite time. The main reason which made me feel enlightened and awakened was my use of psychadelic substances, many of you may say they are dangerous and i understand now why. I might have come to the truth too early and i think i did a spiritual bypass of some sort. I have a friend which at this time was in a mental hospital because they told him he had some issues with being bipolar or having some mental issues which he still takes prescription drugs for ( this will make more sense soon). Eventually he got out of the hospital because they told he had gotten better and since he was one of my best friends before he had to go to the hospital i started hanging with him constantly after that, this is the second year after he got out. He also tried psychadelics to open his mind and he likes it very much ( he tells me it opens his mind and that he is starting to feel very self aware and very well) But since then i have started gradually starting feeling worse, i don’t know if it is because of him or because of myself. I feel like it is hard to keep any boundaries around him and that i constantly have to see him and do what he does, he is very happy and i am happy for him but i’m not happy and i miss the feeling had before. I have tried to be alone and set up boundaries which have worked to some extent but i still feel like i never have enough energy and that i just feel worse everyday. I have tried to do the same things as i used to but everything seems to be pointless and meaningless. I just feel unauthentic and i don’t know who i am by myself. The magic i did under the time i felt good was serving my false picture of myself and selfesteem, it was almost a cover for being accepted. Now when my values have changed i always think of ”art” as not being me but just a gift that i have gotten that i cant really take credit for myself. I feel really small and worthless at this point in time, i feel like i have everything in the world (profession, amazing friends, loving parents and relatives) but still feel like nothing adds to my happiness, almost if everytime i wake up i just feel like everything that felt good the day before just went all through my heart and didn’t add to anything and feels pointless. I have tried so many different things to make me happy but it constantly feel like i am hungry for something or that i have to get something more to be happy for a little while but it always goes away and i start feeling the same way. Some days i feel better and i start to think that i might start to get happy again but suddenly i can feel very weak and low energy again and feel like i cant even see my friend because they feel like im just being negative and sad. I am imbaressed to be around my friends who enjoy life so much and have spiritual lives and i just feel like im a fraud and am dragging them down to my level. It just feels it is getting worse, i’m often very silent because i feel i don’t have anything positive to say and every time i say something i feel i have to push it and it just immediatly distrupts the energy field and i can see it in my friends face-expressions. Im addicted to thinking and i can’t stop, i always think after saying something, and usually i get bad voices who discourage me. It just feel like hell sometimes, that i cant even be happy around my best friend. I am afraid that i will lose him because i can’t relate to his happiness, he is joyful almost always and i envy him for that and seing myself in him just makes it even worse.

    To add to the problem i have a ex-girlfriend which i still meet and i can never decide if i really want to be together with her or not. She loves me very much and i explained to her that i don’t want anything right now but just friends. But i feel like im keeping her on a leach that she can’t get away from because im not even sure myself if i want her or not in the future. I dont know if i will eventually start to love her if i get together or if love should be something you know in beforehand. Im so indecisive and feel diffrent everyday. Sometimes i just hate her and know i don’t want to be together with her but other times i feel like she is the only girl i know that knows me well and that she is good girlfriend material but for some reason i just dont feel attracted to her and that she constantly manipulates me to do stuff with her because otherwise i would not want to go out. I feel drained around her and again, i don’t know if it is because of me i feel drained or because she drains me.

    Sorry for the long post i just have to get these things of my mind, i understand it is very long to answer but i would appreciate it very much if somebody could help me out. I just feel lost atm.

     

    #183717
    anita
    Participant

    Dear felix:

    The problem I see at this point, having read your post, is that you think it is possible to always be happy, that a “spiritual awakening” of any kind can result in an ongoing state of happiness. I don’t believe such a state is possible. The expectation of something that is unrealistic to expect, and comparing the way things are to that unrealistic expectation is causing you distress, I believe.

    You wrote that four years ago, you had a “spiritual awakening” and that for a long time you felt “calm and peaceful… happy everyday… in the flow state constantly”- it is wonderful that you experienced these things for so long but such an experience cannot last and last.

    It is not that you “did a spiritual bypass of some sort”- no spiritual awakening can result in an undisturbed, constant calm, peace and happiness.

    You wrote that your friend “is joyful almost always”- well, almost, that is more realistic. But this is the friend who was in a mental hospital, which means he suffered a lot. His current (?) use of psychedelic drugs will not work for him either, and his “almost always” state of joy will end soon enough, if it is still ongoing at this time.

    Let me know what you think and we can communicate further, if you’d like.

    anita

    #183745
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Felix,

    I read your post and it saddened me. First because I love majic and Illusion. It makes me happyI love to watch David Blaine and David Copperfield. They are amazing. I don’t think there is anything fradulent about it. I think it is a true gift, and it makes people happy. Many people enjoy this and most of these shows sell out. Please don’t think of yourself in these terms. If this is something you enjoyed why stop? Just some thoughts. I hope you will keep posting.

    #183967
    crawford
    Participant

    Thank you for the answer on both of my posts, this answer helped me alot. I am still very unsure how i should procceed and where to start

    I will reply more in the other post i made

    #185107
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Felix,

    I was just checking in on you, to see how you are doing, and if you are feeling better. I hope you have a Happy New Year.

    #185211
    crawford
    Participant

    Hi Eliana, i am happy to see that you ask how i am doing.

    I probobly going to write a followup ”question” on the forum but im feeling better right now but still feel like i am caught up in two different worlds. I have a hard time gathering enough energy for me to do my purpose which is art. I feel like i am still trapped in pleasing my friends even though i have put some boundaries it still feels like i have too many friends and that if i don’t keep up the good standards they start feeling like they are being betrayed or looked over.

    But as said, im going to write a totally new question in the forum in the near future

     

    #185225
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Crawford,

    I see that you wrote a question on another thread, and hope you get some great advice. Lots of awesome, helpful people on here. I really do hope you follow your passion of art. Remember that you are living your life for you, and not your friends. They are busy doing their own thing, and need to respect what you want to do. If they can’t respect your boundaries, maybe separate yourself for awhile, put some distance so you Can do you own thing. I do hope you will pursue your art. Keep posting and follow your dreams.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Eliana.
    #189009
    Mark
    Participant

    Crawford,

    I think it is pretty common for those of us who want to be in integrity with themselves and feeling that the outside world does not support that/you.  You want to focus on your art and yet you are feeling that having the friends you have keeps you from doing that?

    It is an awareness of what is important to you in your life and act accordingly.  I believe that like anything, it’s a practice.

    I think a good measure of what is good for you is to be mindful what feeds your spirit and whatever it is that gives you energy rather than suck your energy.

    Mark

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