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How do i heal and let go of guilt?

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 months ago.

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  • #192533

    crawford
    Participant

    This is going to be a huge step for me to reveal my ugly truth which needs to come out to the world, i need acceptance and  recognition.

    Since i'm struggling with my identity and false-self (which i wrote in a couple of other posts) i thought that the best thing i can do to feel a little better is to reveal secrets about me and some of the things i wish to be healed in my life.

    When i was about 13 years of age i was a very self-conscious and selfish, still am to some degree since i can't find the solution to a problem which has been with me since then. The girl which knows almost all of my dirty secrets, since she is the victim of my narcissistic behavior which i played out on her because she was my victim to get money. I don't remember exactly when it started to be about the things i got from her which made me do the things i did. In the beginning we only chatted for fun, and it was not anything harmful. She was madly in love with me and soon she started giving me gifts of money and i could not resist myself from receiving it, in addition to that i kissed her in return and soon this became a bad spiral which was impossible to brake. I used to call her and ask for money for things which i did not buy, i bought other stuff with the money. In total she gave me probably around 1500 euros back then for things i never needed and don't have left. Now i am stuck with this same girl in my life, and we are in a endless bond which neither of us can brake. She still loves me endlessly, killing herself in the process. And i am killing myself in the process too, all my energy goes to hiding the truth away because i don't want it to get out. She knows too much about me, and when she doesn't get what she wants from me she guilt-trips me of the things i never did for her because i never really want to do anything with her anymore. We have tried being in relationships, had sex, done everything but i never get any feelings from this girl and obviously she has feelings for me.  Everything i give to her is because i feel guilty and when i give it to her she feels as if she ows me things which i don't even want to have. She asks me out for dinners, pays my stuff when i don't notice, asks me to expensive things which i don't even want to go too. And then she complains to me that she is giving so much to me but i'm not getting nurtured so it feels like im only giving to her, because she is the only one enjoying the activities we do together. I never do, and i'm in constant bondage. I sometimes doubt myself, and ask if this maybe the right girl for me and that i might be able to heal or pay the karma by getting together with her but im so unsure about my feelings, i'm feeling numb at this point. I don't want to be an asshole anymore, but i can't stop it. She says she loves me and i feel pressured to say the same back but can't and when i do it feels fake. To add to the problem, she is adopted which has core wound in her of rejection and abandonment, her best friend also died recently so i am the only person she knows which knew her as good as him. She uses all of these trauma to hook on to me and make me stay. I am literally slowly dying from within. I really don't know what to do except turn to tinybuddha. I am feeling very ashamed of the things i have done, and i don't know how to get over it. She insists to be my friend, and is in a very vulnerable state.

    Thank you in advance

    #192641

    anita
    Participant

    Dear crawford:

    I am glad you posted this. You wrote: “I'm in constant bondage” and “I'm literally slowly dying from within”. This is a very high price to pay for 1500 euros or 5500 euros or even 55000 euros.

    Is there a number of euros high enough to make living in constant bondage and slowly dying from within worthwhile?

    And do you think it is to her benefit to have you in her life, a person in bondage, a person slowly dying from within?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by  anita.
    #192667

    Mark
    Participant

     

    You wrote:

    she is the victim of my narcissistic behavior 

    i'm feeling numb at this point. I don't want to be an asshole anymore, but i can't stop it

     I am feeling very ashamed of the things i have done, and i don't know how to get over it.

    What are you doing in addressing your narcissism?   You can Google how to cure or at least mitigate your underlying issues that drive your narcissism.

    I believe that whatever shameful thing you have done and that she is holding over you cannot be worth the perpetual dysfunctional misery that you are constantly living day-by-day.

    What is the cost of having your truth revealed?  I suspect it is not as costly as living the lie now.

    Mark

    #192717

    crawford
    Participant

    I just don't know how to get away from her at this point. As i wrote above, i am the only one she feels like she can talk to. Her best friend died, and her gran dad too. And she uses the loneliness she has to meet me more, and when i don't do what she wants she starts guilt-tripping me about how i should be there for her, and that she does not want fake-friends and that she does not have anyone to turn too. She also loves me a lot, and wants to be my girlfriend. I have told her i only want to be friends, but that did not help. She still asks me to be for her exactly as much as she did when i was her boyfriend. I told her about my confused feeling about my sexuality, but still makes me do stuff i don't want and she knows it. I don't know why she is willing to live in a illusion at this point, when she can hear hat i am not intrested in her and when she tells she loves me i cant say anything back or when i don't i also feel guilty. I really just don't know if i can be her friend anymore, because i don't really like her and i don't know how to express it. How can i leave her without being rude and really make her understand. Is there not a good old saying that you should never leave someone which loves you? But i don't love her back..

    #192771

    anita
    Participant

    Dear crawford:

    This relationship you have been having with this young woman is a sick relationship, and has been bad for you and bad for her.

    You lied to her, used her money deceitfully, had sex with her even though you didn't want to, faked it. She on the other hand guilt tripped you (“when I don't do what she wants she starts guilt-tripping me”). She knows you don't want to do things and doesn't mind pressuring you to do those things (“she makes me do stuff I don't want and she knows it”)

    You did wrong to her and she did wrong to you. Overall you harmed each other. Better stop it. Better end this relationship for the benefit of the two of you. If you want, you can give her or later send her some of the money she gave you or spent on you, as restitution. Or not. But end it kindly and completely. It is the right thing to do.

    anita

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    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by  anita.
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