Dear Anita,

I have in the past acted this way, I wouldn’t necessarily call it histrionic, but a sense of helplessness and Extreme despair and thus inflicting my suffering upon another. In fact because I have acted like this many times throughout my life and it has had many repercussions for me and those around me I sometimes have trouble not labeling myself as someone who is this way. However if recent I have been able to move away from thinking that I am by any means defined by those prior actions (they were incidents and phases not WHO I am.)
For me this goes back to your prior comments of each action has an equal and opposite reaction. I was doing this quite often with my husband about a year or so ago when my mother was inflicting a lot of negativity and guilt upon me. I was without doubt inflicting this action on to my husband as a reaction. I wouldn’t stop and think about what it was that was bothering me, if there was truth in it, or what the actual state of affairs/issue was. No- I would instinctively and reflexively just pour out onto him. It is not unlike what my sister is doing these days.

The differences is that I’m having this conversation with you today. And the major differences is that I have developed a huge sense of self control from being able to hold onto some of these thoughts onto myself, and contain the suffering.
Often times, if I contain the suffering long enough it disappears on its own! What a concept. That teaches me that instant word vomit, for lack of a better term, doesn’t lead to anything of substance. It makes the “inflictor” and “inflictee” suffer for usually no reason at all.

“When a person contains her suffering, there is a sense of self control in it, a sense of doing the right thing, and this itself is the beginning of one’s well-being.“

This is exactly what I have sensed over the last few months in my own self, but I wasn’t able to put words to it. Thank you for doing so.
I have ONLY started to notice the beginning of my own one well-being when I have been able to contain. A personal thought/mantra I will keep close to me.
When I have been able to contain my own Suffering, my impulses, my knee-jerk reactions, and my habitual actions – I feel a sense of control, ability to cope, and lack of feeling overwhelmed by the issue at hand. This has been in small ways such as my Juliana example with not reflexively meeting her outdoors with the dogs, and it is been in larger ways by creating a boundary and not allowing this vacation to be inundated by the suffering of my mother and my sister. It has also been in other ways that are outside of my family, stopping before I sense that habitual need to reach out to friends for the sake of it being my -job. All of this has been deliberate on my part. I noticed this is the difference between me and my mother. I deliberately seek this to maintain my own well-being because I know I am in control of my life. During the times I have felt out of control I did not like that, I did not feel like it was a way to live, and I did not believe that was a reflection of me. The difference is that my mother and sister don’t know that NOT being of out of control can be a choice, because they believe that is a reflection of who they are and that is their baseline. In my sisters example she believes it a baseline so she deeply suffers. My mother just uses it as a way for her to have an audience and appear innocent and helpless.
My sister, too however, does not see that she can choos to not act this way. And I know in time, or so I hope, she will be able to recognize all the above I have.

Thank you for differentiating the difference between loyalty to illness versus cruelty. I don’t think that I ever made this a distinction in my brain because everything has been intertwined. It felt intertwined that someone was suffering and that happened to come with cruelty. It felt like there wasn’t a choice and that it was a two for one deal. But I see you’re different now. Loyalty to illness sits in a nice neat little box. It says I am sorry for your suffering but I am not responsible. I can reach out a hand and give empathy, but I will not drain my soul and mold my being with yours and glue us together in equal suffering —so that we may both drown tied down by this anchor. I see this differentiation and I know that it will be active and deliberate for me to promote this just like it will consistently be active and deliberate for myself to promote my above well being choices that I have made. I also know that like anything else in life actions that are first active and deliberate can then become second nature overtime. I look forward to this one day, but I do not rush it, I am patient for that time to come. For impatience will not bring any long-lasting results in my life or in anyone else’s. I am proud that it has only been about one month that I have employed some of the above actions in my life. Moreover, it has only been one week and that I’ve employed even further more Advanced techniques in my life. The difference that I have noticed in myself over this one month and even one week —give me hope that anything is possible. The change is possible, that suffering can be curtailed. If I let it. Oh if only I let it. If I let me!  I must allow myself, I must free myself of guilt, I must allow myself to experience well-being. Because when I do I experience great things, I am capable and I am resilient. But I must allow myself.