Dear Anita,

I spent yesterday re-reading a lot of posts between you and I from the beginning. Oh how consistent you have been in your advice/comments. Thank you for that – as it is finally beginning to sink in slowly.

You are right we have been having a very intense conversation this week. I will take the rest of today to reflect on your most recent post. I am deeply deeply moved by it. Reading it, I felt A very strong connection to it. It is worthy of reflection. Here are the concepts that stuck out tome The most.  I will allow myself to have them sink in before jumping to new thoughts/ideas. (something that I am working on – it goes along with self reliance and allowing one’s self to sit with their thoughts/suffering/etc.)

1) When you allow a person to use you as an audience for her suffering, you not only sacrifice your own well-being, you also prevent her, be it your mother or your sister, from a possible, maybe-opportunity to contain her suffering and in so doing, to experience the beginning of her well-being.

—I see this is a two way process. When I EXIT the audience – It not only limits my sacrifices of well-being and equilibrium, it also potentially allows my sister (mom is a lost cause and not focus for change) to develop any potential sense of self reliance.
I shall reflect.

2) When you are the audience to a histrionic person you are watching a performance of a person who is focused on creating strong emotions in you.

—YES! I found myself thinking last week, why does sister continue to call and text both me and my husband with this agenda of: “well don’t you see, don’t you get it!!!” Vs. This is what its going on I need help.
I see this is the work of someone who is creating a performance to invoke emotion. That is the way this person can side-step the true suffering in the moment, and get on the podium with the mic.
I shall reflect.

3) It is also, unfortunately, not likely that your sister will heal. It is best that you don’t expect her to heal. Hope for her healing, I understand that, but expecting it will bring you despair.

—this is very strong Anita. And very true. You are able to honestly and truly point that out – I commend you. It is not easy to “say” it. Reading this was eye opening and I will bring myself back to it Everytime I feel the despair based on those expectations.

4) Do what you can do to help her by not being her audience. I can’t stress that enough. By refusing myself to be her audience, I will probably lose her myself, in the context of this website. Yes, I said it, you may lose her in a strange way when you are no longer her audience. She will be looking for an audience elsewhere. There is a price to pay for your learning and understanding, for your hard earned well being.

—In fact I used to notice/observe such things when I was younger.
I recall an older cousin get dumped because her then boyfriend went on and stopped indulging in the bad behaviors/patterns that they had both been involved in. My cousin felt: “oh what! so he’s better than me now? He’s Too good for me so he left?!” and felt betrayed. So I saw it that way too since I was young. In fact I was quick to see things that way, given that This is also how my mom sees such situations (instant betrayal and personal attack).
Now I don’t. If I saw this cousin concept NOW, today – I would think: “yes he is, because he moved up and out of that despair, he worked hard to find well being, hard personal work – and so it has a price to pay. No, He can no longer accommodate yours/his old destructive behaviors. So it’s not that he’s better than you or a personal insult/attack, it is that he is now better than those old toxic patterns. As a result, he had to move on- thats the price to pay for his well being.”
I would understand she’s sad sure, but my entire mindset about it would be different. Of course I also recall that this cousin then so quickly searched for an audience elsewhere, It was like oxygen for her.

What a difference in the way I would see this now!. How eye opening. (How funny this Random example from when I was 14 pops up in My brain)

I will reflect on all of the above today.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.