Anita,

to me my mind is always distressed. to others, it may sound like an exaggeration. but i do not know of a moment when my mind is not attacking me with some ruminating negative thought.

I have said various times in this thread that I like to use tiny buddha as my diary. To me, in the beginning, it was a place to just write all my thoughts – a solo activity. I had no idea i would be in constant communication with someone through this site. Thus far, i have logged on many times to write any thought i have in a moment of distress. (when i went hiking for example). What i am stating is, i will no longer do this. I will just write it somewhere else, not in a forum. I had thousands of thoughts this past Monday, however, in the past i would have logged on constantly and posted them here. Instead, I wrote them for myself.

What happened last May is simply that they took me home (i was not living at home at this time). My father refilled my antidepressant i was already on and i started going to therapy. they realized it was something real. my dad said “i understand this is a disease and our goal is to get you better.” i could tell that my dad was upset that he was not aware of this until it got this bad. (but he was – i told him in college). after time passed however, statements that were not positive would creep through from both parents.

“your sister put this in your head that you have these genetics.”

“you are just lonely. this is why you should live at home”

“you can’t move across the country. what will you do there all alone when this happens again.”

“see how we helped you right away”

they would keep making statements about how eventually i should be off medications. and best of all, they never took any credit that maybe my upbringing and my life is the reason i feel like this. other than that, i do not remember much. maybe i could answer questions you have better.