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Anxiety: The Blur

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Viewing 15 posts - 286 through 300 (of 338 total)
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  • #190845
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    Before talking about dogs, regarding your recent sentence: “No I did not feel safe this weekend because these are not my people.” What you mean by “my people”, you wrote in your recent post”, is your friends.

    Does this mean that when you spend time with your friends you feel safe?

    And is C your friend? Alex? Who are your friends?

    anita

    #190859
    cali sister
    Participant

    I have some close friends back home. Not many. It’s hard to feel very safe with them even though. Since like I have said in a prior post, I am not their priority per say. They have much more – like family and other closer friends.

    #190863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    Will it be true to say then that you sometimes feel safe, temporarily when around some people? That you felt safe temporarily last May when your father attended to you?

    Will you tell me a bit about last May: did you call your father and tell him that you were thinking about suicide? And then he flew to be with you?

    anita

    #190865
    cali sister
    Participant

    Yes. I guess I do sometimes feel safe. Especially if I create it in my head. Especially with men.

     

    Last May I was in my apartment. And I had suicidal ideations. I was scared of my thoughts and to be alone. I called my friend and went to her house. She tried to make me feel better. Cooked for me. All I kept telling her is that I wanted to tell my dad. So I called my dad. And he was about and hour away with my mother. They drove to my friends house and she told them what I had been going through.

     

    #190979
    cali sister
    Participant

    I don’t know if the above post reflected *

    #190989
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    I didn’t know you posted yesterday because it did not reflect under Topics. When you submit, see if your name shows under Topics and if not do the corrective post as you did a moment ago, that corrects it for me every time.

    Notice, calisister, your tendency, a strong tendency to express your distress as always happening, every moment of every day, as you did on this thread, repeatedly. In reality, your distress is not always, not every moment of every day. When you find yourself expressing your distress to others in the future, avoid the always, avoid the exaggeration. That will be responsible sharing.

    Remember my point about not overwhelming your sister with your sharing? This is one way to do that, to not exaggerate.

    Do you think you might be exaggerating your distress when you share with others, in other ways, so to get their full attention?

    Regarding May last year, if you would like, will you tell me what happened when your parents arrived to the home of your friend?

    This line of exploration here may be difficult for you to participate in, and of course it is your choice if you do, or not. You can stop it anytime.

    I believe it can be very useful for you though, and so, I hope that you will continue with it.

    anita

    #191003
    cali sister
    Participant

    I don’t mind to explain. However, I am confused by what you mean when you say this may be difficult for me to participate in. Haven’t I been participating?

    #191011
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    I meant that it might be difficult for you to participate with me in conversation after I suggested, as I did above, that you may be exaggerating your distress to others, beyond the always/ never point.

    anita

    #191083
    cali sister
    Participant

    It will not be difficult because I will no longer use this forum as my diary. Before I did for my own sake. But I can write all of those thoughts somewhere else on my own where people do not respond.

    With regards to exaggeration, I disagree and it is untrue. Because my mind is always distressed. There is always a ruminating thought from the moment I wake up. However, I will no longer share it here.

    I will explain what happened with my father last May in a later post.

    Have a nice day, Anita 🙂

    #191091
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    You wrote: “my mind is always distressed”- I thought your mind is not always distressed. So you will not use this forum as your diary- hmmm, I thought we communicated on your forum, diary sounds like a solo activity. But you will explain later about your father? I hope so, that is, that you will post again.

    Will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. Take good care of yourself, calisister.

    anita

    #191335
    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    to me my mind is always distressed. to others, it may sound like an exaggeration. but i do not know of a moment when my mind is not attacking me with some ruminating negative thought.

    I have said various times in this thread that I like to use tiny buddha as my diary. To me, in the beginning, it was a place to just write all my thoughts – a solo activity. I had no idea i would be in constant communication with someone through this site. Thus far, i have logged on many times to write any thought i have in a moment of distress. (when i went hiking for example). What i am stating is, i will no longer do this. I will just write it somewhere else, not in a forum. I had thousands of thoughts this past Monday, however, in the past i would have logged on constantly and posted them here. Instead, I wrote them for myself.

    What happened last May is simply that they took me home (i was not living at home at this time). My father refilled my antidepressant i was already on and i started going to therapy. they realized it was something real. my dad said “i understand this is a disease and our goal is to get you better.” i could tell that my dad was upset that he was not aware of this until it got this bad. (but he was – i told him in college). after time passed however, statements that were not positive would creep through from both parents.

    “your sister put this in your head that you have these genetics.”

    “you are just lonely. this is why you should live at home”

    “you can’t move across the country. what will you do there all alone when this happens again.”

    “see how we helped you right away”

    they would keep making statements about how eventually i should be off medications. and best of all, they never took any credit that maybe my upbringing and my life is the reason i feel like this. other than that, i do not remember much. maybe i could answer questions you have better.

     

    #191473
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    I understand about you not using this as a diary.

    You wrote: “To me my mind is always distressed… I do not know of a moment when my mind is not attacking me with some ruminating negative thought”-

    How about when you sleep?

    When on that hike with your puppy that you shared about, when you felt love for him, was there a moment then?

    When you eat a delectable Mexican meal (your favorite food)? When you dance, at times?

    Any relief from distress when you talk to your sister, or anytime during reading my posts to you here?

    Regarding May last year, you shared before that you find some comfort in your father’s company, none in your mother’s. Clearly the comfort you get from him is very temporary and very limited.

    A child, alone, day in and day out, like you have been, that loneliness, that aloneness, reaching out, as a child naturally does, and not receiving comfort, my goodness, that does something to a child, that endless aloneness.

    anita

    #191493
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    when i sleep, i have nightmares or what feels like constant thoughts.

    when on that hike, i still had ruminating thoughts even while i felt happy to be with him. still distressing thoughts – even if not incredibly negative.

    mexican meal – i like the food, but my natural state is anxious so i still have to crack my back, shake my head, take deep breaths, and those thoughts are still there. still feel the same tension. i am enjoying it, but still feel just as distressed.

    reading your posts makes me FEEL better and i like what you say, but the distress is the same.

    yes, the aloneness – what can i do about this?

    regarding therapy – we are starting the process of self-parenting. im sure you did the same/were recommended something similar when you initiated therapy. i have a doll that represents my inner child.

    #191497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    What you shared above, that you experience distress all the time, no breaks, is consistent with your very first post on this thread: “anxiety takes over every second. SECOND. blurry vision, not hearing… feeling heavy/ overwhelmed- FIGHT OR FLIGHT is always on… i’m just anxious- just have baseline anxiety all the time”

    every second. SECOND… always on… all the time.

    It is impossible for the brain to survive with that experience every second of the day and night, year after year. And survive you did, not in an unconscious, minimally alive state, but graduating school after school all the way to a PhD.

    The aloneness- what can you do about it, you asked. Oh, how many answers there are out there for that question.

    When a child is so hungry to not be alone, for as long as you have been, a child adapts somehow. I daydreamed a whole lot, made believe I had lots of friends and lots of love. My brain took its breaks from anxiety that way. What did you do, as a child, what did you do to adapt to being so alone?

    anita

     

    #191511
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I believe the only thing that will help this feeling of distress is medication. Which – i am in the process of finding someone who can give me them! (it should not be this hard – healthcare for mental health makes me so angry!!)

    i adapted the same way you did actually. exact. to be honest, i STILL do the same exact thing. but now when i do it, it makes me sad and more lonely. “25 year old day dreaming she has lots of friends” – boy, that sounds pathetic.

     

     

Viewing 15 posts - 286 through 300 (of 338 total)

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