December 1, 2017 at 9:29 am #180237
i feel as though the answer to any thing i write shall be – psychotherapy will help. so i feel silly writing more
calisisterDecember 1, 2017 at 9:32 am #180239
Dear cali sister:
You can write more and I will not repeat myself regarding psychotherapy. Will welcome further posts by you.
anitaDecember 1, 2017 at 11:36 am #180259
Thank you anita.
I can share a little victory that just happened. I finally stood up for myself with a man. In the past, even if someone treated me horribly, i would yell at them and then basically beg them to still talk to me all in the same conversation. i did not hold myself highly enough and i was afraid of the void. today, i said to him, if you want to talk to me, you have to figure out how to make it up to me. if not, i dont think we should talk anymore. that right there. is A HUGE DEAL FOR ME. I hung up the phone, and smiled. i felt lighter. i felt like calisister was the one who was important and protected. i didnt feel embarassed. I did not feel needy. i did not feel like i was just throwing my body and emotions out there as if they were worthless. i kept the power. i have never had power when it comes to a man. and i did it. i FREAKING DID IT! im so happy i could cry. i love me. i see it now.
yesterday, i spontaneously went to a tattoo shop to get my second tattoo. it says no fear…
the “o” in no is a paw print. that’s what i practiced today. no fear. if he leaves, you will still be okay. you will not die if this man leaves you.
i did it, anita.December 1, 2017 at 12:34 pm #180263
Dear cali sister:
Glad you posted again, reads positive. I only read a bit because I have to get away from the computer. Will be back in about sixteen hours to read and reply to your most recent post and any other you may post by then.
anitaDecember 2, 2017 at 3:56 am #180299
Congratulations! What a beautiful post, a beautiful victory!
So beautiful I want to repeat it: you finally stood up for yourself with a man. Yesterday you said to a man who mistreated you: “If you want to talk to me, you have to figure out how to make it up to me. If not, I don’t think w e should talk anymore!” You then hung up the phone and smiled, felt lighter. You “felt like calisister was the one who was important and protected”. You felt powerful for the first time when it comes to a man. Then you went to a tattoo shop and got your second tattoo: “no fear”, the “o” is a paw print.
Congratulations, again. What an uplifting account!
I am motivated now to re-read your previous posts on record so to learn more about you. I hope it will be okay with you if I post again with my thoughts…
anitaDecember 2, 2017 at 6:25 am #180303
Post # 1, Dear calisister:
I read all of your sister’s posts on this website and all of yours. This post, Post # 1, will consist of nothing but quotes from your sister’s posts first and then quotes from your posts. No comments by me, only quotes. I made grammatical editing only, capitalizing the “I”s, the letters at the beginning of sentences and adding the ‘ in contractions. In parentheses I added who pronouns refers to. The italicization of words is my doing. In Post # 2 I will post my comments based on these quotes.
11/9/16, cali chica: “It started the ‘we have bad luck, the world is against us’ …if we try to reason with her, ‘we are against her’…my mother, who sadly had a terrible life in her younger years, has now become toxic herself. She was so damaged that now she is damaging…as she gets worse, I get worse ( and my sister)… The damaged is becoming more damaging… They (parents) were toxic to my brain/thought process as a young child/and now as a adult. This has begun to affect the health of my sister… I don’t want any more of my sister’s 20s to disappear to toxicity… My mother- has no insight and awareness…They (parents) are no longer able to approach almost anything without heightened anxiety…Their approach is destructive.
When I close my eyes I think of my mom as a damaged soul, a sad and abused (so to speak) fragile puppy that is now coming out in the world with a big bark… (I) feel soo so bad for her.
11/13/16, cali sister: She (the mother) is going even more insane. She is harassing my sister and I verbally. Last night she called saying that our father is having really bad chest pain… So my sister and I are on the phone wondering what is true what isn’t… She starts screaming horrendous things… and then continues to scream about how this has all happened because of us… and that as parents they have done so much and this is the suffering they get from their sacrifices… I see the truth but I also do not know the solution. It is also very hard for me to think.
1/30/2017 Today I went to the pharmacy for the first time and picked up an anti-depressant… I have depression and anxiety disorders that have become so bad that I cannot function at work anymore.
9/11/2017 I was not doing too well for a while. Even had a plan to end my life in May. But then I got on track, went to therapy twice a week, moved away from home toxicity. I moved across the country. And immediately was so much happier. The depression, suicidal thoughts? All gone… However, my anxiety always finds its way in. Making each day so difficult to live…The anxiety is taking over.
I am having a really hard time at work – finding motivation at work. I have no desire to try. and its an exhausting feeling… My entire work day is consumed with anxiety. The morning goes ok, but after lunch around 1:30 pm – I cannot stand it at work… I feel like I need to jump out of my skin. I feel so restless, overwhelmed, tired, bored, angry… I want to explode. it is such an exhausting feeling to go through on a daily basis…
I started dating this boy – lets call him Y… (We) ended up getting along and have seen each other quite a few times. All is well. BOOM. My anxiety takes over. I fear this feeling that someone has control over me now because I like them… (I) was so excited for him to come. so very excited. however, the moment he came, I ignored him entirely. I did not say hi and didn’t speak to him once or look at him once… and then he dropped me home and I was so rude to him and just told him to drop me on the street–why? Why was I yelling at him for no reason? He had done nothing that day to me… I have played this pattern many times.
… I do not even know what to do. How to be. How to think. How to walk. How to function… I feel confused and angry. I don’t know how to fix this. Why did I act so crazy yesterday. Why did I let Y or anyone see this side of me. What’s wrong with me.
11/28/2017 … Anxiety takes over every second. SECOND. Blurry vision, not hearing what someone in front of you is saying because you are stuck in your head, amnesia, feeling heavy/overwhelmed – FIGHT OR FLIGHT is always on…I cannot function like this for the rest of my life…I can’t fully experience the emotions my brain is having. I never think anything is real… I can never INDULGE or be PRESENT. I want to be here and now.
… Yes, I moved across the country. And will probably never return physically close to her (her mother). I still am on the anti-depressant but will likely be switching or tapering off. I have not seen a change. Will be seeing a doctor soon – i made an appointment. I myself am a clinical pharmacist.
… I have been miserable and suffering all of my life. And now I am stuck in this job that I truly believe I hate. Why do I have to continue suffering…. Everything I remember about my life has always been a struggle… Life is short – I do not want to spend it like this.
I say (to self), well suck it up you’ve made it this far, you have your doctorate…My life has been go go go. stress. anxiety. go go go. it would be nice to stop.
… I consistently put myself down and have this fear or true confidence that I will fail. so before reading an article, but head already says ‘well you wont get it anyway’. Which i know is not true, because I know I am very intelligent – but this hinders me from reading and causes so much stress
She (mother) has said that to me about everything. I am never good enough or strong enough or as smart as others – in her eyes. always puts me down.
…I can share a little victory that just happened. I finally stood up for myself with a man. In the past, even if someone treated me horribly, I would yell at them and then basically beg them to still talk to me all in the same conversation. I did not hold myself highly enough and I was afraid of the void. Today, I said to him, if you want to talk to me, you have to figure out how to make it up to me. If not, I don’t think we should talk anymore… I hung up the phone, and smiled. I felt lighter. I felt like calisister was the one who was important and protected… I did not feel like i was just throwing my body and emotions out there as if they were worthless. I kept the power.
Yesterday, I spontaneously went to a tattoo shop to get my second tattoo. it says no fear…I did it, anita.”
December 2, 2017 at 6:52 am #180307
- This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by anita.
Dear calisister, Post #1-b:
On second thought, maybe you would like to share what you get from reading these quotes, maybe that will be helpful to you to attentively read and examine these quotes.
If not, by tomorrow or the day after (unless you indicate to me that you are not interested in Post #2), I will proceed with Post #2.
anitaDecember 2, 2017 at 8:00 am #180321
your post is absolutely amazing. And I have always wished to create something similar. Thank you so much for creating that for me and my sister. I love it.
I would love to see your post #2. I’m so excited for it. I’m currently at the airport. About to travel for a conference/little vacation. I’ll stay active on this, I consider this my journal 🙂December 2, 2017 at 8:59 am #180327
You are welcome. I will take my time and proceed with Post # 2 later, then. Have a good flight.
anitaDecember 3, 2017 at 4:12 am #180357
Post #2, Dear calisister:
We are animals, mammals. A young mammal craves her mother, following her wherever she goes. There is the reality in nature that safety is with the mother. Food is with the mother. Protection from danger is with the mother. A mammal is born with the unambiguous trust in her mother as the source of safety and with an emotional attachment to the mother as intense as the need to survive.
When the mammal is grown enough, she will fend for herself. When a predator approaches, the mammal will feel fear and run/ Flight, or feel fear, then anger and Fight. As a result the mammal will either escape the predator or die. Fear ends, and the animal, if alive, keeps living as before: no ongoing fear, no anxiety.
We as humans have a different reality: often our very mother attacks us, often our very mother is our… predator.
How can we run away (Flight) from our mother, where to? How can we Fight our mother? We need her alive and well for that safety.. food… survival.
So we are stuck, at home, as children, day in and day out with our predator. We hold on to any and every expression of comfort: food, a kind word, a smile, a gift . We live our lives comforted and attacked by the same person, intermittently. and anxiety takes hold of our brain.
Cali chica wrote: “we try to reason with her, ‘we are against her'”- you and your sister were never against her. It is the other way around. Cali chica wrote: “she is damaging… more damaging… toxic to my brain/thought processes… destructive”. Who or what damages, poisons, destroys, if not an enemy.
But notice, cali chica wrote: “When I close my eyes I think of my mom as a damaged soul, a sad and abused (so to speak) fragile puppy that is now coming out in the world with a big bark… (I) feel soo so bad for her” – cali chica sees the perpetrator as a victim. She feels empathy for the woman who is damaging her. The role of our empathy is to maintain an attachment to another, and so, cali chica is still attached… to the perpetrator.
You wrote a year ago: “She is harassing my sister and I… she starts screaming horrendous things… and then continues to scream how this has all happened because of us”- the screaming and blaming are aggressive attacks.
We are not emotionally equipped to be attacked by our mothers, we are not born with the emotional or cognitive tools to survive such attacks and be well. When we are attacked and injured as children by our own mothers, our attachment to her, as adults, does not weaken because the more anxious we are, the more we crave safety.
You wrote that you “have depression and anxiety disorders that have become so bad…even had a plan to end my life…I have been miserable and suffering all of my life”- these are the results, the consequences, of having been attacked by your mother.
You were excited about seeing that man, Y, but you then ignored him and then you were rude to him. You asked: “Why was I yelling at him for no reason?”- there is a reason: you wanted his attention but you learned, from your experience with your mother, that attention comes with being attacked, so you ignored the attacker-to-be, getting angry at him, ready to Fight.
In the last experience you shared about, you wrote: “I felt like calisister was the one who was important and protected… I did not feel like I was just throwing my body and emotions out there as if they were worthless. I kept the power.”-
When a child is attacked by her mother, the child will do anything to make the attacks stop, including “throwing (your) body and emotions out as if they were worthless”- all to survive.
When confronted with danger, the natural reaction is to run away or fight. Fear is felt and then resolved. When we can’t or won’t run away or fight, when we choose to stay with the attacker, fear is not resolved. It becomes ongoing, aka anxiety.
The beginning of healing requires removing the danger from your life. Not just a little, but completely. A deer in nature doesn’t choose to spend time with a coyote for just a little while, before it runs. It runs ASAP, at the first sign of danger. But we, humans, stay for a while, for Christmas.
When we keep danger in our lives, when our loyalty is to a parent who damages us, it is not just us who pay the price, it is also our children, and so we, the damaged become the ones who are damaging our children.
December 3, 2017 at 8:23 am #180375
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anita.
amazing post. I showed my sister immediately. I finally have the answer of why I treat men that way and I feel the need to fight.
I struggle a lot with needing romanticism in my life in order to feel safe. This feeling of “safe” is something I’ve pondered about for a while. I attribute it to trying to almost find a motherly caretaker in a man. I want to be taken care of and feel safe. This does not mean I’m always in a relationship. It’s quite the opposite. I keep dating and having horrible experiences.December 3, 2017 at 9:38 am #180397
I just showered. And had a cathartic moment. Here were my thoughts:
1. Why can’t I just find a partner? To share life with? And tell all my little life details to?
2. I don’t have family. I’m essentially alone. (Of course I have my sister). But I’m essentially alone in this anxiety that I have.
3. I’m happy I’m having this crying episode. I know I’m sad but I’m making steps forward. I will continue to have these episodes but I am happy that I am taking the right steps. I feel a little happier than usual during this crying episode. It’s still hard and sad. And will be for a long time. But it’s ok. I will be ok.December 3, 2017 at 9:55 am #180399
Dear cali sister:
Yes, you will be okay. You survived so far, and so, you are strong. And you can do more than survive: you can find a safe, loving partner and have a good life. It is amazing how good living is really about good relationships.
The need for safety extends to all relationships. As adults we can choose to have relationships, one or more, only with safe people, that is people who do not display aggression toward you, who do not attack you. This needs to be mutual, of course.
Crying help, doesn’t it, to express that hurt.
I am excited for you, knowing that at 25, there is so much you can do, patiently, very patiently, to find that safety you need so badly, safety in a relationship with a man.
Post again anytime. Best wishes to you and to your sister.
anitaDecember 3, 2017 at 2:13 pm #180409GillianParticipant
Wow – words that resonate. Period.
We are strong-we are not our anxiety-we are better people for having the challenges we have-and fuck if sometimes it isn’t a damn struggle -in spite of medication and support …. been working through this for 29 years … since I was 4 years old. I suppose I don’t know anything different in many regards. There are days though – where my state of feeling overwhelmed by the smallest things – blinds my natural optimism of believing I understand and can change the world … today I don’t believe I can save the world. Today I just want to save myself.December 5, 2017 at 7:03 am #180609
I find myself to be struggling even more and more with this concept of being single. And it’s moreso because of me never having something positive with a man. I have continually met men who do not treat me right. And I’m exhausted and sad. Especially since everyone around me is happily ever after. My friends, I mean.