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Anxiety: The Blur

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  • #211981
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali sister:

    I know you are a clinical pharmacist, having a PhD.  SSSRIs then didn’t work for you.

    It so happens that as I typed the above sentence and after I did, I was eating carrot. I like carrot and like to pay attention to eating it when I do. I don’t like my mind to wander and miss the experience of the carrot. What happens in my brain when I miss something I want to enjoy, is what you described before, kind of beating yourself up for not enjoying (you mentioned such in the context of a music concert).

    There I had it, a few thoughts that took me away from the carrot, then some beating myself up, then some anger… Following that, I was thinking, what am I going to write Cali sister about her undesirable thoughts, this obsession?

    Share with you my very process during this very post. I was lost for a few moments in thoughts, then thought about the thoughts beating myself up for thinking them (instead of focusing on the carrot). I finally noticed that I was lost in this thinking. I noticed the self beating.

    I wonder if you too feel this pull toward self beating, as if… it has to be done. If you do:

    Notice the self beating over the obsessing and put the whip down, figuratively. Disengage from that pulling force. Think about something else. Do not struggle with that pull, argue with it, engage with it, but instead, disengage. Leave it alone for just the next moment, at the least.

    The loneliness, your intense childhood loneliness that I mentioned in my last post to you. Did you share it in therapy, I wonder. I can’t imagine you didn’t. We talked a lot about anxiety (the title of your thread is “Anxiety: The Blur”). But there is also the anger, the anger at being left alone.

    What about the anger?

    anita

    #212375
    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes, I talk about the loneliness every time I go to therapy. The anger is less and less. It is still there – mostly there when I have something acute on chronic happen. Because my chronic issues are still being worked on, so when I have something acute happen that causes even more stress (like a boy for example), I get angry because I think..AGAIN? I have do deal with all of this!?!?

    Like I said, the anger gets less and less, and it comes and goes. I am not as angry anymore because I realize I am responsible for everything in my life – not the actual events maybe, but how I respond to it. Every day is different. The depressive feelings and the anger are not everyday anymore like they used to be. Some days I feel truly miserable. Other days I feel more stable, like things are more on track. Anxiety is my baseline whether it is about picking a top to wear, ordering a milkshake, or dating. Seems odd for me to compare it, but I am trying to explain that it is there no matter what – but I have more skills to help me deal with it.

    On Sunday, I was lying in my bed. Just thinking about all of this. I got up – called the pharmacy – and got my SSRI refilled. I haven’t taken it since last year. What I am doing right now isn’t helping – so I figure let me try this out again. And hopefully it will be able to help my healing process. This time I’ll be able to assess the effect better because I am more aware of what is going on.

    Anger will get me no where. Love is the goal. Learning to Love.

     

    #212419
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali sister:

    “Learning to Love”- the little Cali sister, the little girl that you were did not need to learn to love, she was naturally loving, trusting and loving. Then life happened, an unfortunate childhood experience, a betrayal of that trust, acute loneliness, alone with strong emotions, anxiety. So now, it is about Learning to Love.

    Learning to love whom- is a very important question. More important than learning to love is the whom part. Because it was the object of your love (your parents) that caused you this anxiety, anger and loss of love in your life. Better not love your parents, at least, not aim at it. Not again. Where will that take you…?

    The men in your life (you refer to them as boys, I wonder about that), reads to me that it has been jumping into something with them, whatever that was, and quickly being drowned in obsession and anger. There was no … sane time there to get to know the man.

    Getting to know the man is necessary so to choose wisely the object of your love, so that you will be Learning to Love the right man.

    anita

    #212443
    cali sister
    Participant

    Learning to love means – loving myself and the world. And giving love and being a loving person. With my words and actions. Not parents or men. Less hatred. More love.

    #212453
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali sister:

    Loving the world… what does it mean, to love the world with your words and actions?

    anita

    #212523
    cali sister
    Participant

    To not assume the most negative outcomes. To be more kind. Use loving words. I have a lot of love to give and am a loving person. But my words and actions don’t always show that. I want to work on being a better person. It will allow me to be happier inside and out. I’ve already practiced this with friends around me. And the outcomes are phenomenal

    #212549
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali sister:

    I hope you succeed in becoming “happier inside and out”. If you practiced this and “outcomes are phenomenal”, then keep practicing it, that makes sense, doesn’t it.

    anita

    #212677
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali sister:

    You wrote, “I have a lot of love to give and am a loving person. But my words and actions don’t always show that. I want to work on being a better person.”

    I know you have a lot of love to give and that you are a loving person. I know that because people are born that way, loving.

    The reason your words and actions are not always loving is because you are not only a loving person but an angry person. The fact that you are angry doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. It means that you were hurt badly and that hurt needs to be addressed.

    In the past you expressed your hurt and distress a whole lot, in a the-sky-is-falling kind of a way, bg capital letters, desperation. And then you stopped. If you can find a middle way between the sky-is-falling-down verbiage and the short few liners, that is, express yourself in an honest, somewhat contained way, yet tell it as it is, that will be very welcomed here.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by anita.
Viewing 8 posts - 331 through 338 (of 338 total)

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