Hello Faye

Would you consider seeing a counsellor again sometimes you need to try a couple before the right fit is found for you.

A lot of people are against medication but I can say it changed my life for the better. I was only on anti depressants for three years but they calmed my emotions just enough to enable my conscious brain to work through my issues it took time but my councillor helped me to learn to  become resilient..  I felt just like you I thought I always would but things can change.. please reach out to a councillor again it sounds like your mind needs an outlet for all these emotions mixed up in you at the moment.