Dear Tiny Buddha I have recently joined your website hoping I would get some light to brighten my mind. I have had dysfunctional childhood, growing up in unhealthy environment, too much probs, yelling, adults fights, neglecting, bad words.. etc.. I’m the youngest so I grew up with very low self esteem, anti social, heavy thinker, too sensitive, angry emotional kid. In my adolescence I broke free and I did everything u can think of, i was rebel, the hard working and dedicated kind of rebel who was also dedicated to studying and being perfect so I can reach my future dreams. I’m quiet, I tend to keep things to myself always, put others first and this is how I feel fulfilled. Achievements kept me fulfilled. Years on later I went through a lot and lately I lost my confidence and I’ve hit rock bottom with sequence episodes of depression. My life isn’t stable once I was successful suddenly everything burns down, things kept piling up. I’m a hard worker and always try and want to shine. Post my last break down I decided to stop giving my 100% coz everything I worked hard for I have not been the happiest person alive but I was satisfied. Fastword years passed so fast, I quit my last job and started giving fitness classes. And another breakdown post failed friendships, I’m too kind that too naive that I don’t stand up for myself when I should be standing up. I let things slide and that what put me in the worst situations….. right now, I’m physically unable to perform my fitness job, I am unable to socialize and I feel awkward in groups or crowded places, my heart quenches with pain, I cry, I wanna sleep all time, no self esteem and I keep cancelling social events bcoz I don’t want others to see my in my lowest and feel sorry for me. I lost my active spirit, my soul feels empty. I don’t know what I want anymore.. I can’t sense happiness with people, I feel better alone yet I don’t like being lonely. I don’t know how to initiate friendships I don’t know how does it feel like to start dating. I lost interest in men and dating, but I feel like I need that one friend. Not working at the moment coz my body isn’t helping me.. my focus has been shrinking and my mind doesn’t stop wandering .. I beat myself up sometimes for the things I made in the past cake as a result of unstable present. I’ve no support, I’ve seen a therapist but I don’t believe in meds. I’ve been reading and doing some yoga.. but at this very moment … I don’t know who I am, feels like I can’t recognize myself no more, I can’t find my real smile and laugh. How can I find myself again? How can I know what I want to do? What I want to be? I change my mind every other minute and the other minute I just want to pays everything and focus on my mental and body healing instead of being in a constant race! My mind think faster than my words when they come out! And oh Gosh I’ve tried so many things but my mind, heart and body just refuses everything..