Dear Anita,

I very much enjoy our conversations too.

I feel that I will be able to “be loyal to their illness, but not to cruelty” if I employ boundaries and limit contact. This goes for my mother.
Limiting contact with my sister means more certain types of conversations.

my reflection today is two-fold.

1)
Limited contact is a difficult and vague term. As with family there’s no set rule book of how often you talk and meet. But as per all of the learning I have done, I see I can be the director of how much I will allow and what I allow. This doesn’t have to be at the whim of my mother – it is my decision. Yes she will kick and scream and balk when she notices “change” in my attitude and allowance.

I can see that the ability to do the above would be extremely difficult when contact is excessive (say staying a few days together or more, conversation that is more than the surface talk, etc)

During my reading this week I came across an article that stated:

“Setting boundaries is the outgrowth of honoring oneself,” she said. “This process takes time and includes the ability to identify and believe you’re entitled to your feelings and needs, and learning to assert them.”

As simply as this is put, it is accurate. I did not feel entitled to my feelings, boundaries, and personal needs prior. I never have. Not with family or friends. It always felt like if I had a boundary it could easily be malleable based on the external. For example, “I guess I don’t have to study this week since my roommate said she wished we spent more time together (my job to always be the great available friend). She’s right I need to spend more time with her because her friendship is a priority. Or— I don’t feel like visiting home for my parents anniversary since I have been working so much, I need down time…oh, but it will mean so much to my parents, I guess I will go, I can always sleep later.” These are just small examples but when they add up, it is a lifetime of putting personal well being at the bottom of the barrel. I was brainwashed into believing that if my mother said something it was true for her and for me. “You should keep in touch with high school friends even though you moved away.” Yes my mother is right, oh no if I don’t I won’t have them as friends” and imagine that what a tragedy! Not allowing the idea of, 1) I am not accountable to uphold all friendships. It is not my job 2) people change and grow- that is not wrong -it is a part of life. 3) holding tightly to only the past limits growth, people and things that don’t allow you to move forward may not be the best to hold onto. In fact, grasping tightly to those things will create internal conflict in a person who is attempting to grow, but feels she must stay back at the same time (because she is “supposed” to).

But my mother made her views, her idea of me and the job I had in the world, all encompassing for me. This is because She is omnipresent – center of stage – conductor of the train. She never ends.
I recall many times in the past year during which it felt uncomfortable to assert myself or have boundaries.
I recall something as simple as- feeling bad for putting down the phone, so instead I started making endless conversation with my mother to prolong the conversation. Feeling strange for ending the conversation on a “bad note” so bringing up something fun/positive to appease her.
This is analogous to tempering a child. Saying “don’t do that it’s bad for you” child cries, then saying “oh okay honey don’t worry it’s okay here’s some candy.”

Understanding this is very important for me. I see change will require myself sitting with distress and discomfort, and not just jumping to appeasement. Similar to when it’s easier to instantly call Juliana and ask her to join me instead of do what I want (because you pointed out that this impulsive behavior is performed to avoid distress – compulsions follow distressing/obsessive thoughts as a way of providing temporary relief)

It is innate/easier for me to go down the longer, windy useless path of appeasement. for example: “well mom we can’t come home” — she goes on about why not, and all the other cousins are you never do blah blah. And so this creates intense discomfort in me. Now what I want to do next is say: Okay but we can’t. Period. I have to go.

That’s it. But of course I didn’t.

Instead: “oh okay I understand mom, hmm well then in that case let me think of some other dates we can”, or some alternative (to appease you).

Yes my mother is powerful (we give her power), manipulative, vindictive, and down right evil. BUT I do have the power to sit with discomfort and distress she may invoke in me AND still stay firm to my boundaries. This will be an active and deliberate practice. It is a necessary one and it only begins with practice. Is it a perfect practice where the more you try the better you get? Not exactly, as I am dealing with an unpredictable unreasonable selfish human. Do I think this is the end all be all solution? No. Perhaps if I was dealing with a sane empathetic person. But I am not.
And as we say, most efforts done in light of someone like my mother- are done in vain.
But if I do choose to continue some level of contact – the above will be 100% necessary. For myself and my husband and future.

However, if despite endless firm boundaries and efforts to uphold our own well being, it fails. The only Option is no contact. I do understand this. I see it clearly.
I am not ready to go there yet. But clearly I do see it.

Now my sister. My contact with her here forward will be different. Not limited just different. And I can see she will be strangely different and distant if I decide to not sit as her audience. I am well aware of this now, and this too, will require practice. It will require me to have firm boundaries once again no matter how uncomfortable or foreign they may feel. It will require me (like the cousin and boyfriend example) to say: Sorry I can not stand for this conversation/behavior/attitude/ etc. I will likely get push back such as: “oh what you can’t listen all of a sudden, what about when you were like that?! Or “oh so now you’re not able to talk openly. well I am so helpless I don’t know what else to do.”
Regardless I must stand strong. I like the above quote, will remind myself that I am entitled to my boundaries. And as you said hard earned learning and well being comes with a price.

Her suffering is not the performance. Her performance to me is a side step, a distraction from her inner suffering. To be responsive to her performance is to continue to sit in the audience. It is to continue to buy tickets to the histrionic distress cycle show. No one wins.

2)

This is the next part of my thought process.
I asked myself – every time I Gave in to a want of my mother be it large such as throwing a party or small such as listening to negativity on the phone/text. Was there ever an improvement? Nope. There never will be.
Did she find more fulfillment in her daily life? No. She sabotages it every day. No long term friends, hobbies, nothing.
Did she find a more loving extended family? Nope, she sabotaged it when my husbands family invited her with open arms.
Did she find more satisfaction? Nope once one accomplishment/milestone was achieved, her focus went to the next item that needed improvement (in her eyes).

No improvement, but a deterioration. Not because of me- although she can blame me. But it’s a delusion. Because it is the nature of her disease. Deteriorating.

My sister too may go down this path. Especially given the patterns we see, you’re right it’s not likely she will get better. But similarly giving in to her, has never led to any improvement.
Did she make better friends? Nope she overall continues to struggle with friendships just as she did since childhood. Although does have 1-2 good friends now.
Did she find success in her career? Well graduating with a good degree she did, but painstakingly going up and down needing time off, having issues with roommates, having issues with college friendships, struggles all around, and just like now – feeling she can’t go forward one day and then becoming defensive and flipping sides the next. (This is not to say I judge her I am taking an outside objective look in)
Did she manage to find independence?
Sure she moved 2000 miles away in body. But moving the physical body is not automatic growth or independence. I have been her crutch every moment along the way, from finding an apartment to physically helping her move, to being the daily support system to her issues related to friends, boys, work etc. (yes I am glad to do this and many siblings do) but in the context of our conversation this has not led to any improvement on her behalf.
Like you said accommodating her and sitting in the audience takes away any chance she may have at potentially finding self reliance and well being (and containing suffering).

Moreover, the intense pressure I have had since I was a teenager. “Make sure your sister goes with you, your sister is all alone make sure she has fun”
throwing every birthday party for her since I had a lot of friends that would be celebratory, she had just a few friends. So I made sure she had great fun full birthdays so she never felt sad and alone.
Making sure she felt comfortable in new environments as I know she has trouble adapting (especially difficult new experiences and people)
All of this yes – it is nice of an older sister. But there are limits. It’s perhaps time that I let her use her own wings to fly, or at least work on nursing one of her broken wings back so that she may one day be able to fly.