Before i continue i have to say that i highly appreciate that you want to help me and answer to my complicated issues without knowing me.

I am trusting that God will show me the right path and i do have hopes for change. I have educated a little about myself and the way i think that might contribute to understanding me better, and why i am so anxious and desperate at the moment. I have a fear of intimacy and that if people get too close to me i feel very stiff and numb and this implies mostly mental connection not physical. Also as i mentioned i feel as i am not my authentic self so that makes me withdraw because it does not feel good to be around friends (have to leave and go home or be alone) and i know this hurts my friends, still i sometimes have to withdraw otherwise i will go into starvation mode inside of me. I am very confused to where all my energy goes since i cant see the same problem in any of my friends, i always find myself being the person people call to hang out with and not the other way around and then when i meet people i get easily bored and out of touch. I just feel the people in my life are suffering from me not offering the whole truth of who i am because they give me love that i don’t truly feel i deserve and it kills me. I am just not sure which parts of me i should share and not share. At this point it feels that the only thing would be with my sexual orientation to do and at the same time that’s the part i feel most unsure about, the urge to speak about it to someone is big and waiting for god bringing me clarity makes me itch because the waiting is hurting me and my friends. I know it sound like i have a rush, but i am really doubting how i should to speak and act to my friends at this point because i don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t even know if they are my friends and which ones i should keep, or if i should just keep all. I want to be nice to people but i can’t be nice and act happy. And otherwise its just killing their vibe and i am no fun to hang around. This is all caused by my uncertainty of the future, feels pointless to waste energy on something that might not even work in the future. What should i tell my friend that i planned to move in together with?(best friend) suddenly i’m backing out from something we have been planning for months. Also my ex keeps asking me to go with her on trips to other countries, dinners,theater(feel like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend) , a lot of plans which makes me also extremely anxious as one part of me says no and other yes. How do feel certain about anything and how do i respond to planning when i feel i might be giving dead promises.