Hi Anita,

The term ‘gaslighting’ – as far as I’m aware, its the act of one person trying to make another person feel like they are deluded/ wrong/ crazy when in fact they are right. For ex. I’d say something like, “But you did say that”, to which they’d reply, “No, no I didn’t”. Etc. Or one minute they’d be really abusive, then next minute act like everything is normal…. Weird. So weird. The more I grow, and the more I move away, I realise that my parents are literally just two people I happened to be born to – I cannot relate to them at all, and I am slowly but surely allowing myself to step in to my own person and break free from their control.

I can relate, I hardly remember anything from my childhood either – probably for good reason!! And I too was very detached, a very floaty individual who was just drifting through life allowing myself to get bullied from all angles – school, home life etc. But now what do I say? Not today Satan, Not Today!!

How is your memory now? I find for me that it is still difficult to remember things – I could listen to an album over and over and not remember the track listings. Or I could read something, and forget the facts. Maybe it’s an attention thing as well, I’m not sure.

Up until recently I suffered from severe, severe depression and anxiety. To the point where I was in bed all the time, feeling too unworthy to even go down in to my kitchen (for real). I’m only really coming out of that now – but what I’ve learnt, since being off work – is that giving myself time to analyse my life – and see what parts were bringing me joy, and what weren’t/ what I wanted to do and what I wasn’t doing etc. Has seemed to set me on the right path and I feel open to new beginnings and change. Releasing the person that I thought I was and stepping in to what I could be…. It’s a practice of confidence in being the person that you love, the person that you want to be, and telling yourself that you are deserving of being that person, and that you are deserving of all the happiness you wish to achieve <3 <3 Also, I started back on medication, and personally that helps me as my depression is very very severe chemical imbalance, which I think is genetic.

You are right, both boys and girls are born deserving and free from all the expectations that will be put on them in terms of relationships…. I think it’s difficult to say which sex is more abusive, without statistics. So let’s agree that it can happen on both parts?

A lot of difficulties I’ve found in my relationships growing up have been due to the insecurities around sex – as if, if you don’t have sex then the partner will get bored or something. Or having guys who are mainly in to me for those reasons, although I admit I have been the same way with guys before. It’s crazy. Especially being my age and being around so many people all the time.

I have come to the conclusion recently that I am going to set a high standard for my next relationship. Not rush things or anything. And first of all ensure that my life is as good as it can be and that my self esteem is good. It’s going to take a while, but losing Clarence really made me realise that I wasn’t living a life that I loved and instead was looking to him to fix it all. I guess this is like the saviour thing you were talking about(!) I’ve done it time and time again, but this time, this one really made me stop doing it – and I doubt it will ever happen again.

Sending love,
Cat