Dear Anita,

I am back from my vacation.  The second half of my trip was busy, a lot of job related interviews and visits with old friends.  Every step of the way I kept our conversations with me, and our words brewed inside me creating stronger and stronger roots.  Yes, even though I am 32, I can still begin to form new neuropathways, or re-calibrate some of the old ones.  This will take time, deliberation, and practice.  I see the beginning of some of that now – which makes me hopeful and proud -but also very humbled to the process and depth of it all.

Interestingly, I spent a good amount of time this weekend with my best friend’s baby, a sweet and very smart 1.5 year old boy.  While spending time with him, your above conversation rang very loud.

You wrote: “you don’t see your future children because they are not here yet. He or she will be born with a brain ready to form those many, many neuropathways. As you continue to invest in those in your life who already have powerful neuropathways that fail them, you will be less able to see to it that your child has effective pathways formed. So that he or she will not struggle like you have, like your sister had. Those struggles can be prevented.”

You’re right, but I am beginning to.  I see that every moment in a new child’s life is an opportunity for new neuropathways.  Although that may seem very overwhelming for many new moms (wow I need o be aware of every moment!) – I find it fascinating and exciting.  Right before my eyes, this baby learned a new word and action as I enforced it a few times.  Just like that! I have always loved this ability and resilience in children.  Thus, Efforts directed towards those who are already hardened, unable to change, and continue to be toxic (parents) will take away energy from promoting positivity in a young undeveloped mind.

A majority of the reason that my friend’s baby is so happy and smart (aside from the randomness of personality etc) is that he spends the majority of his time with her parents.  They (I am very close to them) are sweet, patient, nurturing and kind.

The old me would have looked at this and felt discouraged.  I would have thought to myself: look how nice it is for my friend to have such a supportive family, her son benefits so much.  It will be very hard for me one day as I am deeply exhausted already by what my parents have done to me, and they will only cause more stress and poor influences on me and my future children.

I did not think of it this way at all.  Instead I thought of it like this: Wow, how sweet for this baby to have all this support, I am so glad for him and my friend.  I see the beauty in this child’s innocent and wild eyed wonder – this does not scare me, it motivates me! It inspires me that one day when it is my turn to be my friend (new parent) I will do all it takes to promote good and positive behavior in a child such as  this.  I know this to be true in my heart, and I know I will do this against all odds.  (as per previous posts, self development and focusing on well being comes with a price).  I feel very strong about this – and sure I do not plan to have children within the next year, but regardless the fact that I see the scenario like this now (as opposed to previous paragraph) shows me my change in priority and focus and strength.  I will not let anything get in the way of that.

Next,

You wrote: “How much will it take out of you, those “endless .. efforts”- in the context of still having a marriage that needs to be nurtured, maybe having children who will need so much from you, a career that is so demanding… after all, you are not superhuman.”

No, I am not superhuman.  Nor, do I continue to want to think I am and try to uphold that expectation or title.  Over this past week I learned something: That merely the baseline of life elements (a marriage, having children, a career) needs to be nurtured.  These are not only things that need to be nurtured when there is a problem, nope – they need to be nurtured on a regular basis. Why? because this is for the well being of them, just as well being of one’s self requires regular nurturing.

I think of this akin to something I used to do: Oh I don’t need to catch up on sleep this weekend even though I  feel terrible, I’ll just drink extra coffee to be there for these other people – and I’ll sleep in the future.

Nope, life and well being doesn’t work like that.  It is an ongoing process, to soothe and nurture yourself, or other life elements.  In the above scenario, you may think it is working short term (the concept of only nurture when things get to an extreme) but sooner or later this scenario is set up for extreme burnout.  Just as a marriage would be.  I see in my own marriage I did not understand what it meant to nurture a relationship, respect a man, or put the views of myself and him above my mom.  We are facing the consequences of that now.  Nurturing is the only way.

Over the last few months, I have made the marriage a priority – in daily nurturing, living each day making a deliberate effort to be good, calm, focused and not projecting negativity from others.  I already see a tremendous change! So, yes, Anita – life already needs so much from us.  Just the baseline of upholding good habits and trends is a daily effort.   – “endless efforts” for someone or something that will never amount to any good will all be done in vain, just to take away from the pot of energy towards things that do require good efforts.

You wrote: “Notice this, you are still motivated to improve their experience of life, this time by setting your boundaries. I believe you are determined to do so not only for your own well being, but you are hoping it will help them. A motivation so strong doesn’t die.”

I see this is deep ingrained in me.  The thought of, “If I do this, it can help them like that.”

I will say however, that I am slowly starting to shift – I am starting to feel that boundaries are not efforts for the big picture or other party, they are efforts for self preservation.  To preserve my energy pot as above.  In addition, boundaries are shields, they allow me to deflect negativity and self doubt.  They keep me from absorbing all the woes around me, and help me focus inward into the priorities and well being of my life.  Boundaries are a new language for me, but things that have already brought me progress.

When it comes to parents- I no longer believe what they say.  When my mother told me 2 weeks ago, that I was terrible for not being there for her and my father, and that it’s terrible she had to uber it to the hospital.  No, I did not like to be talked to in this way – of course.  But they were just her words – they just bounced off, I did not believe them for even a second.  One year ago – this would not have been the case.  I have had tremendous growth in this sense, a lot of which is due to your tremendous help and support.

Regarding boundaries, I notice that I have been practicing not absorbing my friend’s issues/nuances/perturbances as my own.  I have been successful at having this radar and saying to myself: “calichica, is this bothering YOU – or is it bothering HER and such you’re automatically letting it get to you.  remember it is not your duty to ALSO be bothered and brought down by the concept.”  I used this tactic a few times -and it was brilliant.  I found that it not only freed me of unnecessary burden, the conversation and interaction was overall lighter and freer with my friend.  This taught me that so often, I “feel the feelings for other people” when perhaps they don’t even feel them for themself! No need to – what good comes of that! the mother voice and imprinting has given me a sense of: automatic need to be burdened.  I can begin to undo that pattern.

The next part of my post will be related to boundaries, parents, and shielding myself from external negative energies.

My husband and I are likely going to move across the country in the next 6-8 months.  This is not official, and I have not expressed in to anyone as a fact.  We have been interviewing all over the country, and this weekend I feel that we both sensed a big move will be the right decision.  This includes many reasons such as change of lifestyle, climate, career opportunities, and a new adventure.

It does make my husband anxious that such a move, would then put us thousands of miles away from his own parents.  (my in laws currently live an hour north of us, my parents an hour south).  Sure, it is nice we won’t be so close in geography to my parents.  Yet, given that his parents are older and very supportive – it is a valid thought for him.  I was at first not very supportive of this thought process.  I felt instantly: “well we can’t make decisions based on others” given that I am so fed up with my own parents and not allowing them to be in the decision thought process – I projected this onto him.  He patiently reminded me that they aren’t apart of the process, yet, it is normal for him to think and pause. To have thoughts such as: if say in the future his parents are sick, will it be stressful for us to be thousands of miles away.  Would they potentially move, closer to us if we have kids, would we want them closer if they were ill, etc?

After a week or so passed, I realized, that given the fact that I do not have normal nurturing parents, it was hard for me to understand this thought process of his.  But I allowed myself to see it his way (for once! usually I am so brainwashed into only seeing things one way, the mother voice)  It is all about growing and becoming open minded.

Regarding a move: Here is an internal dialogue I have with the mother voice.  Whether this will or will not be a true conversation in the near future, is not my focus.  My focus is that my internal dialogue has changed.  My response has changed.  My belief about myself and as a result, others, has changed.  Thus, the most important conversation we can have in life, is the one with ourselves.  Here it is below:

1) “okay parents, we have decided we are going to make this move across the country”

-is it because you found nothing close by? did you look hard enough? what about that great offer an hour away? did you just let it go?

(nope, I didn’t just foolishly make this decision without also looking close by.  In fact, I searched and worked so hard on this decision more than you can imagine.  You may think I didn’t, but that is your insecurity and fear I am leaving you talking.  I am making this decision appropriately, and you can’t make me think otherwise)

2) “well it might seem like this is a good idea at first, but your whole life is here, friends and family – after a while you will get lonely there – the glamour will fade.”

– (not believing the words for a minute.  I know that my husband and I have a strong bond, and this will be a great new adventure for us.  Those that are close minded to growth can not appreciate this. Well, it is not my duty to stoop down to their level to explain – I won’t let them squash my spirit. I am excited and I know good things will lie ahead.  If there are moments of loneliness in a new place, as there always is, it is a normal part of a journey.  It is not because they are right.  They speak untruths.)

3) i say: “you know parents this is a great career move for both of us”

-well, there is more to life than just career–family and all is important too – making this decision based on that is looking at only one side..

(I see there is no truth to this.  Who are you to tell me family is important.  You ruined ours, and have no basis for family values, although you may think you can preach to it. I choose to create a happy and healthy future family, and these are some of the first steps.  Just because you are my elder and biologic family, does not mean that you have taught me and showed me the definition of family by any means.  This is something I have learned from myself and others, and will continue to with positive relationships.)

4) “what will you do when we are older, what you want to run away from your parents when they will need you? after all we have done for you? most children stay close to their parents as they get older, because they may need more help and support.  instead you are going to settle on the other side of the country!”

(this decision I have made is best for me, and my future family.  if i make this decision, I am confident in this.  This decision is not based on people who are selfish, self seeking, and unable to be happy for others.  This decision is not based on so called “parents” who see the benefit to themselves, prior to their children.  If I had good parents, I would be the first to put thought into their future into my personal decision making, just as my husband is.  But I don’t, and as a result, you do not have a reserved spot in my brain that allows me to think of you in this way.  Nor, do you deserve it.  I won’t allow it.  This does not make me a bad daughter.  This makes me someone who finally sees the light after 30 years in the dark.)

5) “well maybe your husband’s parents brainwashed you to move away from us.  they are old and likely can move all the way out there with you.  In fact, they probably willl! that’s their master plan, to move you away from your own family-us!”

(I am a smart, educated, and thoughtful woman.  I have made this (along with my husband) decision based on things that are important to us.  I am not a puppet that is all of a sudden brainwashed by others (such as in laws ) to act on a whim and change my life plan.  If you actually knew me and saw how strong I am, you would know that I would never make a decision like this “just because someone told me to.”

Second, in all reality my in laws have had no part in this decision making and are not brainwashing us -but that is besides the point.  If you want to have these delusions, go ahead.  I will no longer spend my energy trying to explain and PROVE to you that they are untrue.  Paranoia and delusional thinking aren’t something I can treat in you.  I will no longer try.)

6) “well that’s just like you, to use everyone around you to climb up to the top – and when everything is all figured out for you – you want to vanish and not be there for all those people.”

(I do not use people.  I have great relationships with people that are mutually collaborative, positive, and beneficial for both parties.  If I do not have this relationship with you, it is of no fault of mine.  You are incapable of such relationships because you are hollow, selfish, and self serving.  You project this view onto me, but it is the horrific image of yourself you see in the mirror.  I am nothing like you.  You do not understand me, my relationships, and growth – because it is foreign to you.  You are incapable of it.  That is not my fault.  That has nothing to do with me.

You may be threatened by my growth and ability to rise above.  That is not my fault.  I have wings and so I will use them to fly.  I will not inhibit my growth because of the insecurity and discomforts you have in your own self.  I was not put on this earth to stoop down to your level just to bring you comfort.)

Moreover in life, I will no longer put myself down just to soothe the discomfort in others. It is not my duty. I will shine, rise above, and protect my spirit.