Healing for me is not and has not been a linear process, that is feeling better and better every day. I still feel distressed at times, more times than I would like, seven years in the process.

For me, it feels like the Jenga game. I add small pieces every day but sometimes some do fall and need to re-add pieces. The tower keeps getting stronger but some days I see pieces falling, or I notice holes at lower levels of the tower that need attention and I need to remove pieces to make them stronger.

Today, for example, I have a kind of bad day. I started dating someone a few days ago and it felt really nice at first. I was already in a very good phase (as you saw at the posts above) but I had to win my fears for letting my self again into a new affair and trust someone new, and I managed to do it. But it seems he is not that interested in a relationship, he looks for a kind of free relationship or something like that, while I need a more committed relationship, to date more often, go to see a movie etc (not just having casual sex). I tried to communicate this to him and he seemed he didn’t want anything more than this and he got distant. I felt again the rejection I am always afraid of. The sudden ‘no talking’ thing that my mother was doing and was making me feel I did something awful or that I asked something I shouldn’t have.
And it hurts. And some of my Jenga pieces felt down. But this time I understand better what is actually that hurts me and I feel stronger on how to handle it. I do not blame myself for not being good enough, beautiful, smart enough and the rest. I just understand we are in different phases and that it was a good thing I asked for what I need and didn’t simply follow his desires (maybe the first time I ever did that..) even If it didn’t work out in the end. At least I know I can now set some boundaries even if this means that some people will leave.
It hurts, it is not easy to deal with it instantly but I am working on it. I try to see the good things all this caused, search within me and understand me more.

I will post soon again, I hope to have more insights from this healing path.

Thank you all again, especially you anita!