Dear Anita,

Apologies for my late response here. I’ve been meaning to reply the past couple of days but wanted to be in a good head space due to the nature of what we’re talking about – Because those issues mentally and physically take me back to those darker times, it’s important I’m strong enough to write about them…. I’ll respond to your message, and then give you an update on what’s happening in my life 🙂

1. The point you made about comparing us to animals – I agree 100%. When I had counselling sessions a few years ago, I was taught that someone who has been abused is used to behaving out of the ‘fight or flight’ response, which happens in the amygdala part of the brain. I was so accustomed to hiding away, being fearful, running away etc because I was so used to using my amygdala all the time. I agree – and I think that because we had no escape from the aggressive parent, it has given us a good idea of what feeling trapped/ what suffering feels like/ what it is to suffer. I think these things are massive things to put upon a child, and even for a child to comprehend. I feel like there’s the possibility it did a lot of damage to my mind.

2. I have stopped running away now (I think).  I think Chicago was the cherry on the top of a long-baking escapism cake. Now I want to learn and practice loving myself, and creating a life that I am proud to lead and love to lead. I think far too often I resort back to being that young child in my head, and punishing myself by not eating, staying in my room, not washing etc. It’s a habit that I am aiming to overcome this year. And to develop a better relationship with myself.

3. No one has rescued me either. Time I rescued myself.

4. I disagree. I think this comment thread proves that this was the EXACT forum that I needed, and that YOU Anita, were the exact person that I needed to talk to. Your comments (mostly) and also the smaller comments from other people – you reignited my faith again, just from being there, and just from understanding. The service you provide to others goes along way, and far too often we don’t realise how sometimes the smallest act of showing understanding or support can really impact someone’s life. This whole conversation has given me a sense of stability over this past week or so. And for that I am extremely grateful <3

5. Yes, similar core beliefs… the hardest challenge I face in adulthood is challenging those core beliefs when I wake up every morning. Thinking, I have a right to a happy life. I have a right to a happy day and stable relationships etc etc. Small steps but I hope I will get there.

I spent the day in Bristol yesterday and had a very positive day 🙂 Mainly because the city is full of diversity, and people who are happy to live there! Which is what I need, and also people my age who I have stable relationships with. My friends and sister have been getting me through this time and I see a happier life coming ahead 🙂 It’s the act of believing it that I need to master. I did house viewings in Bristol yesterday, and there’s a girl with similar interests to me who I’m going to live with!! So I am sorting that out tomorrow.

Last night I realised that I have difficulties sleeping as well because I have a really bad pain in my mind. I used to think it was just overthinking, but there is a physical pain. Not sure if you’ve ever experienced anything similar? It keeps me up all night – I’m not sure whether it’s the depression or something else. I grew up with a “lazy eye” – although since my self-progress I’ve actually been using it more and more so I think it is linked to that too.

I’m sorry Anita. It sounds as though you had a really tough and unjust upbringing as well, and I know the heavy burden that it carries too. I am just hoping that your experiences in early life haven’t made you write off optimism for the rest of your life, because there is still so many good people, so much beauty and so many glorious moments still to be had.

Sending my love,
Cat