Dear Mark.

Thank you, I am definitely in a better place than I was a few weeks ago 🙂 Very good sign. I have found that my focus has shifted, from focusing on the rejection from others, to focusing on the self-love in myself, and being wary of my mood changes throughout the day – what thoughts make me feel certain things etc etc. I am going more easy on myself, and I am beating myself up in my mind less and less ( 😀 ) I am due to go back to work on the 2nd March, so I have a bit more time to use my freedom to really practice this mindfulness.

Dear Anita,

Sorry, what does the ‘foot cramp’ method mean? These waves of emotions come to me on a daily basis, but I have gotten better at realising them, and I think of your advice when they come – to simply endure them, and to allow myself to feel what I feel. They have been going away, and I am now seeing the light on the other side of them/ I am now seeing a more positive future 🙂 🙂

I am trying to focus on me an my life, rather than feeling like  I need to reply to messages right away etc. I feel so much healtheir from when I was with Clarence, as I was unhealthily obsessed with him. A combination of my co-dependence/ too much focus on others, and a combination of his manipulation too. I went to send a message on fb messenger yesterday, and his name appeared, and I saw he had his profile back. (He always used to get it and delete it because he was so unstable). I did have a look and he’d made a new page, and it looked very manic and intense and like he was trying to prove something. It made me feel better, knowing that his problems are with him, and aren’t really my fault. He is continuing with life the same, whereas I have really grown and changed from all of it. That has made me feel a lot better realising this growth.

I’ve been meaning to talk about my sister. As it’s a very complex and emotionally challenging relationship for me. She is the only family member who I am in contact with. I haven’t seen her for 5 years, since I was 19. The last time I saw her she was in a bad way and she was snapping at me constantly, I couldn’t do anything right, and even when I cried she had a go at me. It was quite abusive.

She is married now and living in Wales. We are in contact via facebook, messaging, calls etc. Sometimes yes, if I say something she doesn’t like, or if we have a small argument she’ll say, “Well, we never got on anyway”, “We’re just too different”, “Well don’t talk to me then”. Etc. I try and stay calm and talk through it, and explain where the disagreement occurred etc. We have gotten better at calmly talking through disagreements, rather than both being defensive and completely abandoning our relationship.

It is extremely difficult though. She is up and down with her emotions. Some days I will text her and she is really low, feeling suicidal etc. I try and be there for her. She is married, and her wife has depression. Sometimes they can be really toxic for each other, and they’ve been abusive to each other in the past 🙁 🙁 They seem good together at the moment. It makes me sad knowing that their relationship has the potential to be like that, and in the past I sent them a serious message saying they both need to wake up and realise the seriousness of the situation. Since then, there has been no more physical abuse. My sister has started removing herself from the situation when she feels triggered etc.

My sister feels triggered on a daily basis. And sometimes it’s difficult to know how to make her be positive again. In a way I do feel responsible for her too. I worry sometimes, that if I progress and overcome my mental health issues, that she will not like me for doing so/ having a happy life. It sounds silly, because on the phone she says that she wants me to be happy. But sometimes I get the feeling that she is resentful of me because I was the parents favourite 🙁 and because I went to uni and she didn’t 🙁 etc etc. Although I always remind her of her great qualities too. She has really low self esteem, and when she sees me with high self esteem, I just really worry that she is going to hate me, or try and put me down – which she used to do when we were young.

I wish I could have a healthy relationship with my sister, but I know it would only work if she had good self esteem too. Otherwise I can imagine meeting up and for her to be nitpicking at me again, which is really, really damaging to be around.

Cat