Dear Anita,

I like that you mention future children, my husband and I care deeply about family, and whether we are thinking about future children or not – the fact is true, I would never want to pass this down one generation further than it needs to go.  The buck stops here.

It is very true, so many times in life she has accused me of “following her directions.”

–made fun of me for dating around so much (but she gave me stress and pressure for finding the “perfect match”)

–ridiculed when I as above:  following her instructions (to socialize).  My default was always to talk about a problem until I was blue in the face and faced sheer exhaustion (and I’m sure so did the opposite party).  Who did I learn this from?

–ironically, when I was in India last year – I mentioned how their involvement was causing issues in my marriage.  Of course she felt this was extremely inflammatory.  Later however she said this comment:

“well then don’t listen to everything we say. your father and I didn’t listen to everything our parents told us, have some maturity”  HA! truly laughable.  you kick and scream to get you way, and now you say this! I am glad I remembered this, as it reminds me the ridiculousness of it all.  You pin someone down to listen, and then step back and say – be mature and do what you need to do.  Truly insane.

It is such a simple statement: She is your danger, not the world outside.

Absolutely true.  I look back at my life, and I will say I have been fortunate outside of these events to have had always a positive life. (of course unable to truly enjoy it and immerse in it due to all of this).   I think about the most difficult times I faced, and they were all that much worse because of my mindset, because of things such as guilt, anxiety, rumination, and worry.  Once those elements faded from the incidents, the incidents were not large at all.  I know this is true in life in general, but someone that comes from my mother (such as my sister and I) take this to a whole other level given the way we are raised -as you know.

You wrote: I hope you put an end to the rebelling.

Yes, I do too.  I will tell you what has helped me the MOST, is finding solace.  I have changed my phone number and created a place for only myself and my thoughts.  Yes, my husband is a huge support for me, yes I am in contact with my sister.  Yes, I go to work and interact great with colleagues and people in my life.  But what I don’t do is seek out socialization.  This has been incredible Anita.  This one thing has allowed me to preserve energy and peace within.

Instead of texting or getting on the phone with a friend and explaining all this (and then likely hearing all of their comments such as your first post said – that will be quite frustrating)  – what do I do? nothing.  I listen to my thoughts, I write them down here.

Instead of going to work, and also simultaneously worry about getting text messages from people that will distract me.  I don’t.  When I go to work – I just go to work! What a profound concept.

When I take a shower, I just take a shower.  I shower and listen to my thoughts.  When I cook, I look at the food.  I don’t plan the next conversation, and jump everytime my phone rings. (well it doesn’t ring much since a total of 4 people have the number!).

If I had been told this 6 months ago I would say: what happened to me, why did I turn into a hermit?! I do not think this way.  I think of it as such a true form of strength that I can remove myself from all that does not serve me in this moment (post earthquake) for me to find healing, peace, and solace.

I am strong and confident enough to do that, the innate action would be to give in, and talk and socialize and go in exhausting circles.

Nope, I kindly decline that path – what I am doing serves me just fine.

Now, I do know this is not a sustainable way to live forever.  Of course.  But that is not my focus right now.  My focus right now is for the dust to settle.

I also know that I am programmed to think about my job.  My job to be social, to be in touch, to be super friend.  Well I relinquish that job.  I do plan to have good friends throughout my life, and likely less than I started with.

I do plan one day in the future sharing all this, and if so in this hiatus of speaking with others I lose contact with some – so be it, they were reaching their expiration date anyway (people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime – each one different).  I can visualize the types of social interactions I want in the future, and I will preserve that.

I know I have the ability to allow who and what I want into my life.  I do not have to guilt myself into allowing more than I want to take on (as my mother would.)

My mother coerced herself into every thought, every energy.  Between her and my job of being social, I had nothing.  No bank or reserve for me, or my husband.

I look forward to over the next few months, focusing on only one thing: me.  Which will also by nature also help me to focus on my husband.  He sure deserves it after all these years of trauma, we are in great need of nurturing.  No nurturing occurs without dedicated focus and space.  I am glad to have created this space.

I know as I go out into more situations in the future, it will cause me anxiety.  However, I know that the work I am doing now, the REAL work, will prepare me for that.  If I create strong building blocks now, I can stand strong from here forward.