Dear Anita,

I had a productive weekend and Monday, but the past few days I’ve been in bed. My head really hurts, so I’m going to the Doctors tomorrow to see if I can increase my medication. I’ve been talking to my girl friends who remind me of why I should be positive in my life and remind me of the good times ahead.

If my sister didn’t suffer, yes my suffering would end. I would feel at peace knowing that she was living a happy life. It’s the same as, when you start looking in to animal abuse etc. the thought of an animal being abused as we speak – that used to make me so upset and depressed 🙁 just thinking about it. It’s that feeling of knowing how much pain someone or something is going through and being powerless to stop it, and fix it.

That is exactly what my brain does!! At work all the staff were complaining about the cuts to the service, the changes etc. And I couldn’t deal with the fact that there was a problem but no action was being taken to fix it. Therefore, I ended up going through a very long complaint procedure, which took months etc etc. At the time it seemed to me like the only thing I could do to make my mind feel at peace with everything that was happening. I cannot stand being around people that complain, with no limit – like, where is the solution??

If she is not the reason I suffer, what is the reason why I suffer? I have guilt from the past, from the person I couldn’t be for my parents. I was sorting out my room the other day, and doing so is forcing me to face myself, and I start to cry, because I remember the feeling growing up, of not being good enough for them, not being worthy of love like other children were 🙁 And always made to feel like I had a problem with me which meant that I wasn’t worthy of love. Because it was my parents who made me feel that way, it’s like their opinion was God’s Truth…. So it’s still so hard for me to comprehend that they were wrong.

How do I remove myself from the trap?

Yes. Me too. When I was young, my great gran died and I stopped listening to music, as a punishment. Because in my head, she couldn’t have the joy of listening to music anymore, wherever she was, which meant that I didn’t deserve to. I guess it’s like that in my life with my parents – when I go to the city centre – they never lived in a big city with so many opportunities, so why should i?? This is something that was really hard growing up, as they used to remind me how lucky I was all the time that I was going to uni, that I was going to live in a city etc. This didn’t do anything apart from make me feel really sad and guilty that they didn’t 🙁 🙁 🙁 I don’t know what they were trying to achieve by saying that, but all it did was make me think about how much my parents didn’t do what I’m doing. It’s the same with my sister, sometimes I’ll be talking to her, and she’ll be like, “I wish I did that” etc etc. and then brings up the fact that I was supported to go to uni, where she wasn’t, and says that I was given a lot more opportunities than her 🙁 Which is true, my parents forced her to be a hairdresser when she was 17. So I do feel bad about the unjust treatment. But at the same time I tell her, well that makes me feel crap because I didn’t ask for special treatment, and I do explain to her that I’ve worked really hard to get my qualifications as well, and that I went five years doing uni completely off of my own back, and working for money etc. So I have done loads of it by myself without any support. It’s very hard situation 🙁

Cat