Hello.

I thought I would give an update on how I am feeling now compared to a few weeks ago.

The three year anniversary of my mum’s passing was on Saturday. I kept busy and the day went by without too much sadness. I held back from crying which I know is not healthy, but I was with my boyfriend and I feel awkward crying in front of him. It is almost as if the pain will be worse if I have to verbalise it to explain why I am crying.

I have been attending counselling sessions. So far I have had two. In the first we discussed how all of the things that bring me sadness are losses. The loss of my friends and community when I left the cult, the loss of my mother, the loss of the relationship I had with my father, the loss of my husband and my home, the loss of the relationship I had with the guy who chose someone else. She explained how the sadness I feel is me grieving all of these losses. I understand that I need to experience these feelings in order to move forward. I struggle with this. If I am feeling sad or lonely, I usually do something self-destructive such as looking at social media accounts. I don’t know why I do this as it makes me feel much worse, but it is very addictive. I now haven’t done this for three days and I am hoping to never look again.

I have also been reading self-help books and listening to psychology podcasts to help me develop some coping strategies and strength of mind. So far I have learnt the importance of not feeling sorry for myself, not letting other people have power over my mood and emotions, changing my behaviour and letting my mood catch up (i.e. not spending the day moping in bed when I feel sad, getting up and having a shower instead or getting out of the house). What I am beginning to understand is that although I did not have a choice in many of the things that have happened; I do have a choice on how I feel about those things now.

I want to try and forgive my father. I struggle with this – I do not know if I can cope with having a relationship with him, but to truly forgive him does this mean I should have one? Or will simply forgiving him in my heart be enough?

I want to try to not feel ashamed of my life and my choices in front of my family. I feel that I have been pretending to be something I am not as I fear being judged and rejected by them further.

I want to try and love myself. When I walk around or look in the mirror, I do not love myself. I see all of my flaws. Too fat, too pale, too quiet, not confident enough, not friendly enough, not intelligent enough, not interesting enough, not ethical enough, overbite, bad hair, ugly clothes, not cool enough. All of these ideas about myself swirl around my head all the time and I would love to replace them with positive thoughts and self love.