fbpx
Menu

I never feel that I am good enough.

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryI never feel that I am good enough.

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #188865
    Hannah
    Participant

    I am not sure where to start with this. The title is a very broad theme of all the things that bother me emotionally.

    I think the easiest thing for me to do is make a bullet point list. Please feel free to comment with advice or anything you want. I’m just venting as it is probably better for these thoughts to be out there rather than bottled up in my mind.

    • Whatever I achieve, I think is just a fluke. I got a promotion at the end of last year; I felt like I only got it because I was the only option.
    • I constantly pick everything apart. Is my job stretching me to my full potential? Does everyone hate me and just put up with me because they have to or out of guilt? Does everyone think I’m a mess?
    • I use spending and eating bad food as a means of feeling better. It doesn’t really work, but I keep doing it. I’m in about £15k of debt now and about 14lbs heavier than I’d like to be. I’m not overweight, but I’m not happy. I eat Mcdonalds every other day because for some reason I find it comforting, even though I know it’s unhealthy and is probably going to cause me problems later on in life. I just don’t seem to care.
    • I am obsessed with this guy who I was dating for six months. He didn’t want a relationship. He was dating someone else at the same time as me. I called him up on it and he dropped me instantly and wrote me off as crazy. I think about it every single day and wonder why I wasn’t good enough. It happened nearly a year ago. I check his social media and the other girls social media obsessively. It drives me crazy.
    • I grew up in a religious cult. I left. My family haven’t completely rejected me, but I know they judge me. I judge myself. I no longer have a relationship with my dad. He kicked me out of the house when he got re-married after my mum died and he stole my journal and read it. He told other people what I had written. It deeply humiliated me. I can’t think about this because it makes me feel so worthless.
    • My mum died. I loved her and craved her approval so much. I told her I loved her when she was dying. She just nodded and told me to be good. This haunts me.

     

    I just want some peace of mind. I am so tired.

    #188949
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hannah:

    I am glad you posted. If you would like to elaborate on the following, please do and I will respond:

    1. How does your family judge you and how do you judge yourself (“My family haven’t completely rejected me, but I know they judge me. I judge myself”)?

    2. What was in that journal your father read and shared with other people (what a shame, a betrayal of you)?

    3. What is haunting you about your last moment with your mother?

    anita

    #188983
    Mark
    Participant

    Hannah,

    It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of things that are weighing you down.

    I am curious what practices are you doing in order to address them?

    Job: your low estimation of your skills and abilities

    Analyze: picking things apart, thinking..thinking..thinking

    Eating: overeating bad food

    Finances: being in debt

    Romantic Relationships: being with the wrong person

    Family: dad kicking you out. mum dying.

    All those sound challenging to deal with. No wonder that you are not feeling at peace.

    Are you doing things that nurture yourself spiritually, emotionally, physically?

    Mark

     

    #189039
    Peter
    Participant

    Creating the list was a good place to start.

    The next step might be to separate the trees from the forest. Viewing the list as a whole would be overwhelming for anyone while dealing with one issue at a time is very doable.

    I found it helpful to identify how each bullet point might be influencing the story you are telling yourself and how that story might be influencing your experiences. Next look for any cognitive distortions – all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking, generalizing… (google cognitive distortions). The practice here is to learn to notice and become mindful of ‘unskillful’ thinking, not to judge yourself for that thinking – that would unskillful ?.

    The goal here is to learn how to become the master of your story vice allowing the stories to master you.  This process will bring you to the end of the beginning… uncovering the real issues that are keeping you stuck and not feeling “good enough”. Identifying the issues that you can work on and create real change.

    I would bet that the question of “good enough”, what ever that is, will disappear as you become more skillful. You will also discover that you can create “peace of mind” even in a tempest.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Peter.
    #189063
    Isaac Wechuli
    Participant

    First and foremost Hannah, you have self esteem issues. You don’t believe that you are worthy. When promoted you think its because you are the only option. Reclaim your dignity and people will respect the gal in you. Stop stress eating because it aint gonna help, you will just add more problems in your life. And on the part of your parents, don’t stress yourself gal because you have tried your best to prove them and they still don’t appreciate you. My parents also hated me because i never go to church despite the fact that they are religiously Catholic. Sometimes its better to go your own way so long as it makes you happy. There is nothing bad with not doing what your parents expect you to do. But your main problem Hannah is self-esteem. I feel you gal. I also had self esteem issues because i am short and people thought i am ugly. However, i turned this around by upgrading my closet, working hard on my health and dreams, and suddenly i reclaimed my dignity because people started respecting me. You are good Hannah, you are blessed. Stop adding yourself with unnecessary stress.. If your dad does not love you, then leave him alone. he seems to be a bad dad.and if your mum dint approve you dont let this haunt you. She’s not God, she does not have to approve you….and please start believing that you are worthy and reclaim your dignity…I read the article below on reclaiming dignity and it really uplifted me..many people also agreed that it uplifted them.  https://www.unboundedwisdom.com/must-reclaim-dignity/

    #189323
    Acasey
    Participant

    I am sorry you are feeling this way, Hannah. Sending you a hug.  I empathize with alot of what you are saying and you need to know your value doesnt decrease based on others inability to see it.  You are here for a reason, and you will find it. I would highly recommend some counseling to work through these feelings. It sounds like you have not processed a lot of trauma, especially surrounding your mothers passing. It sounds like you feel extremely rejected by your family- which intensifies any additional type of rejection (the guy you were seeing)  I also recommend you try to stop looking at their social media or take a break from it. It does no good- all its doing is making you feel worse.  Surround yourself with things that make you happy right now.   I agree with the above posts to work on one thing at a time, go easy on yourself. It will get better. Sending you positive vibes.

    #189443
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear Hannah:

    I am glad you posted. If you would like to elaborate on the following, please do and I will respond:

    1. How does your family judge you and how do you judge yourself (“My family haven’t completely rejected me, but I know they judge me. I judge myself”)?

    2. What was in that journal your father read and shared with other people (what a shame, a betrayal of you)?

    3. What is haunting you about your last moment with your mother?

    anita

    Hi Anita, thank-you for replying. I’ll elaborate below:

    1. Based on my experience of growing up in the cult, I know that people who leave are seen as foolish. I know that my family see me as ‘too emotional’; acting on impulse without thinking things through. I know this because they told an ex-boyfriend of mine and he then told me. When I started to leave the cult, my mother wrote me a letter expressing how upset she was and how she didn’t understand why I was leaving. She felt that I was choosing a very difficult life for myself. In the past, I have been excluded from events because I no longer attend the religious group. Some people I knew from the cult removed me from social media sites. I judge myself because my moral compass was built around the teachings of the cult. For the most part, I see that some of these morals are not beliefs I uphold anymore, but I still feel ashamed when I am around my family, and I would not admit certain parts of my life to them because of this.

    2. In the journal I wrote about how I was feeling and some of the people I was dating. The cult I was part of does not agree with sex before marriage and I had written about having sex with the guy I mentioned before who I am obsessing over. It felt very humiliating for my father to read this and share this information with my family and his acquaintances. He used what he had read in the journal as justification for kicking me out of the house; although he was already bagging up my possessions when he found the journal. This is another thing that hurt me deeply. He bagged up all of my things whilst I was at work and left them on the doorstep for me to collect. He has never apologised or acknowledged how hurtful this was. He has never attempted to contact me.

    3. Losing my mother was one of my biggest fears. She had cancer for six years and the fear of losing her was constant during that time. She was scared and hurting and I wanted to make things better but I couldn’t. When she didn’t say that she loved me back it made me feel that maybe she was disappointed in me and that maybe she didn’t love me. I felt that maybe I could have saved her in some way; I had nightmares for months afterwards involving me trying to save her before time ran out.

    #189445
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hannah,

    It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of things that are weighing you down.

    I am curious what practices are you doing in order to address them?

    Job: your low estimation of your skills and abilities

    Analyze: picking things apart, thinking..thinking..thinking

    Eating: overeating bad food

    Finances: being in debt

    Romantic Relationships: being with the wrong person

    Family: dad kicking you out. mum dying.

    All those sound challenging to deal with. No wonder that you are not feeling at peace.

    Are you doing things that nurture yourself spiritually, emotionally, physically?

    Mark

    Hi Mark. Thank-you for your reply. I have had a few sessions of counselling and it did help me to justify my feelings of sadness as I had experienced a lot of loss and previously had felt that I didn’t deserve to feel sad and that I was simply being weak. I have booked to see a counsellor again on Friday. I think I am lacking the tools or processes I need to deal with these things. I am not sure where to start with nurturing myself spiritually, emotionally or physically. Do you have any tips?

    #189447
    Hannah
    Participant

    Creating the list was a good place to start.

    The next step might be to separate the trees from the forest. Viewing the list as a whole would be overwhelming for anyone while dealing with one issue at a time is very doable.

    I found it helpful to identify how each bullet point might be influencing the story you are telling yourself and how that story might be influencing your experiences. Next look for any cognitive distortions – all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking, generalizing… (google cognitive distortions). The practice here is to learn to notice and become mindful of ‘unskillful’ thinking, not to judge yourself for that thinking – that would unskillful ?.

    The goal here is to learn how to become the master of your story vice allowing the stories to master you.  This process will bring you to the end of the beginning… uncovering the real issues that are keeping you stuck and not feeling “good enough”. Identifying the issues that you can work on and create real change.

    I would bet that the question of “good enough”, what ever that is, will disappear as you become more skillful. You will also discover that you can create “peace of mind” even in a tempest.

    Hi Peter, thank-you for replying. I will definitely look into cognitive distortions. I relate to what you said about ‘all or nothing’ and black and white thinking. I do feel that I have created a very sad story in my mind that I keep reading over and over and now feel will hang over me for the rest of my life. I certainly think having some processes that I can put into practice would be helpful for me. At this point in time, I am aware that not everything in my life is terrible; I am coping, I am ok, but I often feel very overwhelmed, especially when I am on my own. And I have unhealthy coping strategies as I mentioned above.

    #189467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hannah:

    You wrote that your mother felt that you were choosing a very difficult life for yourself by leaving the cult-

    you wouldn’t have been motivated to leave the cult if the life in the cult wasn’t a very difficult life for you.

    Your father’s heartless behavior toward you before, after and since he found, read and shared your journal content with others, indicates to me that indeed your life was very difficult for being your father’s daughter, for one. Having a mother and a cult that supports a cruel to you father is… indeed a very difficult life.

    I understand your intense attachment to your mother, your need for her approval. It is only natural to feel this way for one’s mother. She didn’t tell you that she loved you, in those last moments of her life.

    Did she tell you or otherwise express to you that she loved you before you left the cult and then stopped saying it or otherwise expressing it after you left?

    anita

     

     

    #189451
    Hannah
    Participant

    First and foremost Hannah, you have self esteem issues. You don’t believe that you are worthy. When promoted you think its because you are the only option. Reclaim your dignity and people will respect the gal in you. Stop stress eating because it aint gonna help, you will just add more problems in your life. And on the part of your parents, don’t stress yourself gal because you have tried your best to prove them and they still don’t appreciate you. My parents also hated me because i never go to church despite the fact that they are religiously Catholic. Sometimes its better to go your own way so long as it makes you happy. There is nothing bad with not doing what your parents expect you to do. But your main problem Hannah is self-esteem. I feel you gal. I also had self esteem issues because i am short and people thought i am ugly. However, i turned this around by upgrading my closet, working hard on my health and dreams, and suddenly i reclaimed my dignity because people started respecting me. You are good Hannah, you are blessed. Stop adding yourself with unnecessary stress.. If your dad does not love you, then leave him alone. he seems to be a bad dad.and if your mum dint approve you dont let this haunt you. She’s not God, she does not have to approve you….and please start believing that you are worthy and reclaim your dignity…I read the article below on reclaiming dignity and it really uplifted me..many people also agreed that it uplifted them.  https://www.unboundedwisdom.com/must-reclaim-dignity/

    Hi Isaac. Thank-you for your reply and sharing your experience. How is your relationship with your parents now? I understand that it is best for me to not have a relationship with my father now, as it brought me a lot of sadness and pain. I feel quite alone in the world not having parents however. When something positive happens or when I am feeling unwell or need help with a problem, I do not have them to turn to. I know many people are in the same position, so it is possible to be happy without this. I just need to get to this point. It was interesting what you said about my mother. I have never thought about it like that. I supposed I did idolise her a bit. She was not perfect. Not everything she said was right. And that’s ok.

    Yes, my self-esteem is low. I do not feel attractive or smart or funny or any of the things I used to feel about myself. And I have not been doing anything to improve this so it isn’t surprising to feel progressively worse.

     

    #189503
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear Hannah:

    You wrote that your mother felt that you were choosing a very difficult life for yourself by leaving the cult-

    you wouldn’t have been motivated to leave the cult if the life in the cult wasn’t a very difficult life for you.

    Your father’s heartless behavior toward you before, after and since he found, read and shared your journal content with others, indicates to me that indeed your life was very difficult for being your father’s daughter, for one. Having a mother and a cult that supports a cruel to you father is… indeed a very difficult life.

    I understand your intense attachment to your mother, your need for her approval. It is only natural to feel this way for one’s mother. She didn’t tell you that she loved you, in those last moments of her life.

    Did she tell you or otherwise express to you that she loved you before you left the cult and then stopped saying it or otherwise expressing it after you left?

    anita

    Hi Anita. Yes, the cult was a very difficult life for me. I did not feel I belonged. I felt very confined.

    My father has certainly made me feel that I am not good enough. I do not crave his approval as I feel that his viewpoint on life can be flawed. But at times his behaviour has made me feel like he is disgusted by me and I can’t help but let this make me feel bad about myself.

    I think a couple of times she did tell me she loved me. And she did things that showed that she loved me. I think she struggled with being emotional. Her mother was very overbearing so I think she tried her best not to be. I wouldn’t say she was the happiest person and that bothered me quite a lot. I wish I could be at peace with my relationship with her.

    #189565
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hannah:

    You mentioned your mother’s mother having been overbeating, and as a result your mother tried to not be overbearing. Notice a couple of things:

    1. When adult children try to not be like their parent, they most often go to the extreme. This could explain why she kept a distance from you, going to an extreme of overbearing, or over involvement, which is under-involvement.

    2. Your mother’s relationship with you, her distance included, not expressing enough love for you, for  one, has to do- not with who you are, not with who her daughter was in her life-

    but with who her own mother was.

    Your mother’s behavior with you and her last words most likely had everything to do with a relationship she had before you were in her life, and that is the relationship she had with her own mother.

    I believe these things I just wrote to you and I hope there is something in it to promote that peace you need.

    anita

     

    #189753
    quackingphilosopher
    Participant

    Dear Hannah,

    I am glad that you decided to open up to the TinyBuddha community by sharing your deepest insecurities.

    It is really admirable that you have decided to do so.

    You know yourself best. That is what you think, but sometimes, our inner critics are overly selfish and unreasonable. To others, we might seem like we have it all; to others, they feel that we are good enough. Yet to ourselves, we never feel that we are good enough.

    You are not alone. I myself struggle with this feeling of “not being good enough”, and it is not a positive feeling at all. In fact, it makes me so upset and gets me really down sometimes. Therefore, I would like to stress the importance of self-love and giving ourselves love, respect and affirmations from time to time.

    Or rather, if you could give yourself love and respect you give to your friends – and you do that continually, I can assure you that you’ll reap positive and unmeasurable benefits.

    Hannah, I think that you are a wonderful person, and you deserve all the love you can get. You might not think that way currently, and that’s perfectly alright – baby steps, yeah? First of all, you got to identify what is faulty in your train of thought – is it overly pessimistic? Are you looking down on the strengths that you actually have?

    Stop judging yourself. You’re a human just like everyone else. I understand that binging on unhealthy food seems like a temporary fix – the sugar does give you an adrenaline rush after all. However, understand that the happiness you get is only short-lived, and the most long-lasting form of happiness I’ve seen is from loving yourself.

    Regardless of all your flaws, accept yourself. Shower yourself with optimism, and see your world change to a different light!

    The guy who left you is not a right piece for you. Why do I say this? It is because a guy who is right for you will be there to cherish you, be there for you, and love you. That guy is a jerk. Do your best to eradicate him out of your life! Focus on loving and improving yourself slightly each day. Don’t aim for too drastic of a change – you can’t change your entire mindset in an entire day, but you can take active steps to walk towards that goal.

    Don’t lose sight of that goal, and your life will become more fulfilling! Trust me on that.

    When you have the courage, face your fears directly. Confront them, and debunk them. Attack them. Find new perspectives on the matter. I believe in you!

    Sincerely,

    Jun Na

    #189755
    Peter
    Participant

    I am coping, I am ok, but I often feel very overwhelmed, especially when I am on my own. And I have unhealthy coping strategies as I mentioned above.

    I have a strong sense that your on you way to learning and doing better. Your a impressive person and reading between the lines of your posts have strengths and gifts you haven’t yet realized that will surprise you. Very exciting.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Peter.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.