Dear Sandra:

I  will quote parts of your post and comment on the quote:

“I’ve suffered from a panic disorder between the ages of 9 and 19. Today, I get panic attacks every now and then…for the past 2 or 3 years… I get into a habit of just eating and eating. Mostly if I’m home in the afternoon or during/ after dinner…I’ll have a piece of chocolate for dessert. And then another one…And then some more…

The strongest symptoms of my panic attacks were a lump in my throat and a general feeling of unwellness…sitting at the dinner table with my family. It freaked me out. I felt like I can’t escape, I’m at the mercy of other people… It felt so claustrophobic. I just wanted to run away…So over years and years of panic attacks, I learned to associate eating with relief and freedom… I still feel this impeccable freedom and relief I’ve felt.”

My comments: eating food feels good for everyone,  including my four legged friend Hunter the beagle. He loves eating, especially things with sauce. He grunts when he eats, focused on his food and then, when he is done, he wants more. He waits for more, he asks for more. It takes him some time to … forget about it and ask to be let out, excited by some adventure waiting for him outside, some smell to chase.

This is our biology, born that way: eating feels good and we want more, at least, if it tastes good (what we just had or what we would like to have next), then we do want more.

You felt badly for a long, long time. Lots of panic attacks for ten years, maybe daily or almost daily. That lump in the throat, feeling claustrophobic, wanting to run away, these are distressing experiences. So your desire to feel good has been intensified. We don’t like to suffer. We want to experience pleasure.

So you eat more and more because one, it is our biology. Two, you have a lot of suffering behind you (and still) to escape from, to make up for with pleasure.

Am I understanding correctly, that on top of biology, your desire for food is as intense as your suffering?

anita