Hi lovely people!

I just put some thoughts together in my journal and wanted to share because I’m curious if anyone has experienced/observed something similar.

I’ve suffered from a panic disorder between the ages of 9 and 19. Today, I get panic attacks every now and then or in specific stressful situations, but it’s not a daily companion anymore.

However, I’ve been having this weird relationship with food for a while now (on and off for the past 2 or 3 years). I eat very healthily and clean, vegetarian/vegan at home without obsessing too much. I try to cultivate eating what my body truly craves. But – more often than I want to, I get into a habit of just eating and eating. Mostly if I’m home in the afternoon or during/after dinner. Like, in the afternoon when I take a break from working, I’ll have a sandwich. And then a banana. And then a handful of granola. And then another handful. Or after dinner, I’ll have a piece of chocolate for dessert. And then another one. And then 5 rice cakes with peanut butter. And then some more. Etc. Some people might not even consider this behavior unhealthy, but it doesn’t feel like myself. It feels like the aftermath of my panic disorder.

Let me explain:

The strongest symptoms of my panic attacks were a lump in my throat an a general feeling of unwell ness that prevented me from eating. It almost exclusively happened in social situations. Eating by myself was usually fine. I remember countless situations of me being at a restaurant with people, or being invited to someone’s house, or sitting at the dinner table with my family. It freaked me out. I felt like I can’t escape, I’m at the mercy of other people, and all these people expect me to eat when that’s the thing I’m able to do least in that moment. It felt so claustrophobic. I just wanted to run away. So whenever someone would stand up from the table, I would feel this great feeling of relief that allowed me to eat, even if just one bite. Or when I got up from the table, I would often indulge in eating all by myself, because the stressor of other people was gone and I could finally eat.

So over years and years of panic attacks, I learned to associate eating with relief and freedom. Food = boundaries. Boundaries I could not set towards others, that I could only dwell in comfortably when I was alone. I still feel this impeccable freedom and relief I’ve felt.

It feels the same today. I had dinner an hour ago, and I’m not hungry. But being in my room all by myself, knowing that my roommates are already sleeping or not at home is reason enough for me to visit the kitchen and treat myself to some food. It feels like I’m celebrating being alone, being relieved and free of other people and the problems they cause me. It feels like a party thinking about doing some work in my room all by myself, or drawing, or doing whatever, with a nice stack of food that I can snack on without anybody looking at me or judging me or anyone I have to set boundaries towards.

Does anyone have a similar experience? I appreciate any thoughts/comments/advice, because I really want to let go of this pattern. It is no longer serving me. It probably used to in the days of daily panic attacks when I had to find some time to eat and survive. But now that I’m able to eat when people are in the room, I don’t need this safety mechanism anymore…

I appreciate all of you!

Thank you.