Dear Anita,

I thought of this the whole weekend: Simplicity is Sanity. Sanity is Simplicity

At first it was comforting, I felt as though: ah yes, simplicity – “what I have been seeking, and finally found”

However, there were moments where it felt odd: can things really be THIS simple?

I realize that when my mind went there, it wasn’t to say that I would exist in this state I am currently inforever (pretty isolated from socializing with all those I normally would have).  I know that may or may not be long term (I shall choose how social I want to be as time comes).

It felt more like, “how can it be just like this. isn’t that too simple?”

“Isn’t it too simple to go to work, do your job, come home, eat dinner, relax and watch TV, and go to sleep.  Then– isn’t it too simple to wake up on a weekend and not have any worries outside of what is going on in your life (normal things such as paying taxes, bills, work)?……so wait that means my mind doesn’t have to be elsewhere? it can just exist on what IS?!”

Because my mind has been so used to having excessive worry, there were a few times it did try to revert back to that old pattern.

We were talking about visiting a friend who just had a baby next weekend, I agreed with my husband’s plan – and then we started talking about the next topic.

After the conversation was over, I noticed my mind at a crossroads – left, not really think about much at all – or something such as hmm what’s on TV right now.  Or right, create a problem/worry/anxiety.  It did veer down the right momentarily…

I began to think…”hmm so should we visit them?  I mean I am going through something colossal right now, should I be making time for them – would they for us if the situation was reversed…”

Then I stopped myself.  I said to myself that is not me, that is my mother voice.  It does NOT have to be that complicated, it is quite simple.  More importantly, it is NOT about the outside person, it is about ME.  If we have free time and we want to visit them, and it will be enjoyable – GREAT.  That’s it..plain and simple.  It doesn’t have to go any further than that.  What my mother would do is – make it about the other person even when it doesn’t have to be.  She would make it a worry or anxiety, immediately – “wait would others do the same for me.”

Well it doesn’t matter! We want to do this, so we will, if we don’t want to – we won’t! No one is forcing us, or creating pressure.

What a concept. It can be that simple.  My mind did veer to the right and go there, but I stopped it.  I am in control of my actions, I am in control of what I want to do….so why make worry? If the situation does arise (which it didn’t) that I feel pressured to do something I don’t want to, I can choose accordingly.  because I CAN.

This is new.  Given that I have always had that “job” I never allowed myself a choice.  Moreover, since my parents have been so pushy about attending things that involve them, there never was a “choice.”

-“you must  come to your cousin’s baby shower, it will look bad if you don’t –she came to all your events before the wedding, if you don’t come –then they may not come to YOUR wedding.”

-the anniversary example. no need to say more!

– “you seem to always have time away from studying for your friends, what about family.”

-“didn’t you relax at home last weekend, well if you have time this weekend why don’t you do…X”

And it goes on.  The combination of this plus the “job” I was given to myself, made it quite difficult to ever choose, allow simplicity to be the baseline, or feel at ease.  that is key.

I know as I become exposed to more of “real life” again this will continue to be something I encounter.  I know as I become more social, attend more events, communicate with more people – it may feel that I am being “pushed” to places I may not want to go (mentally or physically).  When I think about this, this image comes to mind: it is that of a cool, calm, and collected woman.  she is will put together, she smiles, she speaks, but she is controlled.  She doesn’t over-speak, or over-share, or over-laugh.  She simply engages.  She backs off when she deems appropriate, and interacts in a way that does not make her uncomfortable.

I have seen many examples of this in my life, we all have.  I know that I am capable of being that above woman, as I have in many cases.  I also know I am capable of being quite opposite, when I am feeling uneasy!  I now know that I have the tools to interact in such a way, but I may not always given the level of discomfort, anxiety, or what I am sensing around me.  However, I can practice!

I did practice once this weekend and it felt good.  We were speaking to a neighbors (nice couple) about our job hunt, and the girl interjected and began speaking about her job related stress.  The old me might have interjected again to get my point across, but I just let her speak.  I thought to myself (what good is it going to do to try to make her “see” our point, it’s not really important, so just let her speak).  I realize at the end of the conversation that she was extremely anxious and probably just wanted to vent and get some of her thoughts out – so be it! That is fine.  It wasn’t a debate to see who was “better heard,” just a plain old conversation that went off on a tangent.  oh well!

I smiled to myself after and thought – some things are just not worth exerting energy over.  Small one percent battles you don’t have to fight do add up to 100 (if you add 99 more of them throughout your day).

I hope to keep this concept with me.  It is easy with people such as neighbors often, but more difficult with people you are close to.  We tend to want people we are close to, to truly “hear” us.  I see that a lot of that is because we may be struggling to “hear” our own self…so we exert it outwards to have it bounce back.  I know now I hear myself loud and clear.  My goal every morning when I wake up to when I go to sleep is to hear and listen to myself.  I do not need others to do that for me.  In fact, no one else can do that for me – they can support me yes, but only I can hear me. I do feel that this will help me to focus more inwards (vs. outwards) throughout my interactions.  I do hope so.

I know this was a focus of many of my posts in the past.  “How do I focus more inwards, how do I self-trust?” The name of this forum is even self-trust!  I see that it wasn’t that I didn’t have the tools, it’s that they were stuck in a deep dark place with poisonous glue all over them – so they weren’t able to breathe or escape.  Now that there is cleaning going on in place, the tools can utilize themselves once they unstick.  It may be shaky at first given that they haven’t been used in a while; yet, they innately know their way and path – and so they will be directed appropriately in time.

I know this because I see it, because I have practiced it.  When my mind went to the right above (visiting friend’s baby) I stopped it – it would only cause self harm to ruminate on what if scenarios.  When the neighbor interjected, I let her (It would only cause self harm to exert unnecessary energy to have my voice heard).

Like anything in life, practice makes perfect.  I see so many options to practice this throughout my day, that I never saw before.  It can be as simple as just listening to someone, without feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts.  What a new concept.

If we allow ourselves, we can.