Dear Derek:

That is precious, that you found him doing his homework even though he wasn’t feeling well. I wonder if part of the reason was to please you…

You did very well to notice and not say anything to him, anything negative that is. Even though you felt badly, you didn’t bother him with that and endured. You talked to yourself, forming the intent to be kind and patient. Then went to meditate, to calm yourself. I am very impressed.

So Notice, Endure the distress, Say nothing, forming intent/self talk, calm, all good.

There is one more thing for you to implement and practice. It will take time but you can start with forming the intent: it is not your fault that you are judgmental of him the ways that you are. It is not your fault that you are anxious. These things are not a matter of choice. You didn’t choose to think and feel the ways you do. These are automatic reactions to what was communicated to you when you were a child.

Therefore, it is not realistic to blame yourself. Not your fault. Separate thinking/feeling (not your choice) and behavior (your choice as hard as it is .. to choose correctly when distressed).

Give yourself credit for enduring your distress without reacting to it in ways that are unjust and will hurt him. Accept best you can your thoughts and feelings because you can’t help thinking and feeling what you do.

anita