Dear Anita,

Thank you for replying – twice. I realised that I went from posting on here 2/3 times a day to leaving it for a while. Mainly because my life has been busy the past couple weeks or so, which I’d like to talk about (if you’re still up for talking about things). I did start writing back a few days ago but was too tired to address everything fully, but I will do so tonight. I also have a bit of an unhealthy addiction to social media which I’m trying to address/ use efficiently.

I will respond to both messages, and also give you an update with what is happening in my life right now.

I don’t believe that everyone is happy all the time, but I do believe that others can be more happy than I am, yes. This is because I grew up as a child severely depressed, so when I saw all my friends having fun, I’d be the one at the back feeling really down and not joining in. My mental health has isolated me, and made me ruin, a lot of different relationships with people throughout my life. I’ve either been the depressed one that brings people down, or talks about things that aren’t really socially acceptable to discuss. Or I’ve freaked out in relationships and let my emotions, insecurities and confusion ruin them…. There have been times when I have been popular, but again, the mania has meant that I’ve been too intense and have driven people away 🙁 I worry that I will do that with my new friends in Bristol, and I really hope I don’t.

You use the term ‘adult child’ 🙁 As sad as it is I think I have always struggled and felt guilty knowing that my Mum wasn’t able to grow and learn the same way that I could. I do feel bad that she hasn’t had the opportunities that I have had, and her whole life has been dedicated to looking after her parents 🙁 It’s hard because she’s been so, so nasty to me and my sister so many times, and yet in my mind I sometimes imagine her crying about losing us, and I feel like I should go and help her. It’s hard because on a present day level, my mum and dad have blocked out all of the past, and only focus on the present. This makes it difficult for me and my sister, because we want to connect with the parents who caused all of that pain, and make peace with them. My parents refuse to admit that they did anything wrong, which is why it makes it very difficult for me and my sister to ever find peace with it all. I did try and relate to my parents about a year ago, but it was too much. As nice as they were being, I really needed to feel like I connected with their true selves, and I would’ve loved it if they had turned around and tried to make up with my sister too. But they don’t. they just always insist that me and my sister are wrong. This is something I struggle with a lot, as in my perfect world, my family would be at peace, but that peace and forgiveness just hasn’t happened.

Question – what do you classify as an ‘adult child’ and what do you classify as an ‘adult’?

I understand what you are saying about comparing experiences, I guess it is impossible to say which experience is more scary when they haven’t both been experienced by the same person. I guess that does mean that all abuse is equally as scary and equally as valid. It is a retroactive comparison, but it does have grounds in the reality of my childhood as I do remember feeling depressed throughout my childhood and the times I was crying in despair/ isolated/ scared etc.

Again, with my grandad – I guess part of me feels guilty there too. My mum always made me feel guilty, “he’s getting old” which meant, “you owe him all your attention”. As a teen I grew up despising him because I realised how he was treated so great, and everyone else treated so badly. Again, its a conflict. I feel guilty that he is old, and he is my grandad. But at the same time really resentful of how he talks about himself, doesn’t know me or my sister at all, and thrives off the attention etc. I really don’t know how I’m going to feel when he dies. Or if I should get back in contact before he does. Will I feel guilt? I really am not sure. I am conflicted between being in contact with family being too hard, and then also worrying that I will have a lot of guilt over my head if something did happen to them.

In regards to the manic episodes – yes, I would take the pill and feel good. I feel good generally, before the guilt of it all comes again, and the belief that I’m a bad person (which my parents made me feel from a young age), and before the worry for the future kicks in. I sometimes feel like I am a repulsive person, who repels people 🙁 Or that I am not to be trusted with people 🙁 mainly because my mum and dad were so manipulative, untrusting and always thought horrible things about people – I worry that deep down I’m going to be the same, and that’s the last thing that I want to be like.

I cannot hear the name of my old town, or see a picture of it without seeing all the sadness and grief that I felt there. I say that because I just saw someone upload photo’s of it, and that’s how I felt towards it. It’s such a small town, and everyone else loves the small towns and villages, but to me it was just so much…..heaviness.

Now, I really do want to feel good and have a life that I love. But before, I really didn’t have any idea of what that could be like. I was just too engulfed by the heaviness and sadness to comprehend what a life of stable relationships, independence, wellbeing and happiness could be like. But I am at the point now where I can see it more and more in sight.

In terms of the core beliefs: True, but what if the guilt I feel is too strong/ heavy for me to let go of those core beliefs?? I had a psychotherapist before but he didn’t help that much, so I was considering CBT instead. Although sometimes I find that I try and help other people – such as my sister and my friends, who are going through hard times – I try and help them first, which again makes me feel like the problem isn’t me, but is outside of me, and so if I fix things outside of me, then I will be able to fix things in me. Like, if I was able to help my sister have the happiest life she can (will update later), and if I managed to bring peace and happiness to my parents. To me, those things would fix the problems in my constant thinking mind because that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

It’s extremely difficult for me to see my parents view as being wrong. Mainly because they are the people I’ve been around the most, and they both believed that their opinion was God’s Truth. It’s difficult for me to really accept that they are abusive, because of how well they present themselves to others – family members, my old school friends etc. So I have a lot of people saying to me, “But your parents are so nice”. Which makes me question whether it was me that was the problem, and really upsets me. I asked my friends for help at the time but no one wanted to get involved, as I don’t think anyone really believed me 🙁 I still don’t think people do. Even though me and my sister have no contact, and both of us have had so many breakdowns and intense life situations. It’s been hard to get support from family or friends, to say the least.

My mum and dad are weird ones, because as much as I love and care about them and want to see them happy… It seems like that isn’t returned at all. They can happily ignore what’s going on and go out and drink with their friends etc. To them it was all about keeping up appearances, rather than actually respecting their children. They care more about what other people think, than their own children – sad but true. It’s so strange because I would’ve given my heart to see my parents happy, as a little girl I loved them to bits. I would cry every night because I didn’t want them to die… It’s strange now thinking of how the parents I was so loyal to, would happily not check to see if I was okay/ but a convertible with the money they stopped giving me/ go out drinking with friends when one of their daughters is suicidal etc.  I guess this inequality is something that I need to come to terms with this – especially as they continue to claim to be the good guys after all of this.

You’re right – the manic breaks happen because I’m not used to feeling so, light-headed/ like a weight has been lifted. So when it does happen, it’s like a took an ecstasy pill, and I feel like that feeling is heaven. Therefore I go manic.

You’re right, I do need therapy of some sort to work through these core beliefs, and to give myself space to cry. So far I haven’t been able to have a proper break through because I have blocked so much out. Another thing with addressing my issues/ going to therapy etc. is that it makes me feel like I am – heavier? Darker? Than other people. Or, like I am not worthy to have friendships or relationships with people who do not have similar issues. Mainly because I feel like them being around me means that I will be a burden, or that I will bring them down 🙁

The only problem that I have with psychotherapy, is trust. It takes me ALOT to open up to people about what happened in my childhood. I found a sense of salvation on Tiny Buddha (and also at Skanda Vale – multi faith ashram) because through these means I have connected with people who have experienced similar things. I trust people who have experienced similar things, and who understand me and where I am coming from. I found it really difficult to trust my psychotherapist and feel like he understood like the same way that I did.

Okay so update:

The gig on the 22nd went really well 😀 I am still looking forward to the move to Bristol, so that has given me hope and a strive towards building the life that I want.
My sister called me the day after the gig, and said she had been out walking all night 🙁 🙁 She said that things between her and wife had become violent again 🙁 It’s really hard to support her 🙁 She won’t leave her wife because it would mean parting from her dog for a while, and she won’t do that. It’s so sad to see my sister stay in that relationship – where they just stay in, don’t do anything and trap each other 🙁 They are repeating the behaviour that my parents did, and sometimes my sister knows this. Sometimes she is rational and can see this, but other times she can’t. I spoke to the Domestic Violence Helpline and they gave me a lot of options, i wrote them down and told them to her/ emailed them. But she said she wouldn’t do anything if it means she’s separated from her dog 🙁 Her situation makes me sad, because when she calls me, she is crying so much, so much like a little girl. I’ve seen her cry so so much throughout her life, and I hate it everytime. Again, I wish I could give the freedom that I have to my sister. I really wish I could. I offered for her to come and stay with me but she said about the dog etc. I am offering her solutions but she is refusing them…Is there anything more I can do?!

I returned to work on Friday 2nd – thank you for remembering 🙂 It was okay, it’s been quite chilled. I haven’t seen all of the team yet. My manager said that everyone is a bit anxious because of how things were left at Christmas and because I blocked everyone on facebook (I was worrying way too much about what they thought, and really needed the space to just grow and be myself). Again, it would be nice if they could see the severity of why I had to do it, but ah well. Oftentimes my actions are perceived as me being…vindictive or that I did things on purpose, my innocence goes amiss a lot of the time.

I’m not too bothered, because going back I feel that it is not right for me. I don’t feel like I am working with people that get me, or in an enthusiastic environment, so I will be looking for new jobs. Mentally, it was a challenge to get through this weekend, as we just end up watching films and my mind begins to wonder. I do need a job that keeps my mind busy. I am back for a week, and then I have 3 weeks of annual leave off after that.

Hope you are well,

Cat