Dear Anita,

Long delay since I have last spoke to you.  I am doing well, much busier with work which is good. It has been nice to come to work and focus on work, patient care, interactions.  It feels like how things should be.

I have since last speaking to you talked to a few friends.  My one friend called me the other day and wanted to know what happened.

To my surprise, my narrative of the whole (acute) situation flowed so easily, like a story book.  It wasn’t fake, it wasn’t insincere, it was just easy.  I spoke of the most recent events, explained the last conversation I had in some detail, then the after math of extreme amount of phone calls, blocking their numbers, changing my phone number – to where I am now.

Myfriend noted that I sounded happier and empowered.  When people have told me that in the past (for whatever reason)  I usually said sure yeah, but not really feeling it or believing it.  This time, however, I noticed it too.  I took a moment and thought wow! yes, you are right.  I do feel empowered.  I do feel better.  In fact, I have been so busy “living” that I have not even noticed. (to me a sign that I am moving forward and living versus being stuck as before such as when I was speaking to you on that vacation a month back).

Of course I know I do not have to explain my whole story to everyone.  With this friend I did want to  explain some parts, and it was much more seamless than I ever imagined.  In a way I felt disconnected from it all, but not in a numb way, more as though I am reading a chapter of my story, and I flip a few pages back to read her what she has missed over the last 2 weeks.

What I am focusing on now is something I have mentioned to you before,  containing anxiety.  I understand that when a person has trouble with anxiety, it is not in a neat little box.  There isn’t a box for family anxiety, and a separate one for school anxiety, and a separate one for work anxiety, etc.  More often than not, the “boxes” all tip over and flow onto each other.

I notice this, and I have been having some anxiety with our upcoming changes in jobs and possible move.  I do notice too however that a lot of this is “normal” anxiety, and I can differentiate it from what may be out of proportion.  I see that almost anyone would have jitters about moving across the country, finding a new career, etc.  I also notice a lot of it is based on not the actual events that will happen, but my “ideas” of the move.  things such as:

1) I have always wanted to move to X place, well when we get there what if it isn’t as great as I imagined.

2) what if we regret moving, perhaps the grass isn’t always greener on the other side?

3) perhaps I am glorifying how things will be in X place, and not realizing that there will be their own share of problems there.  What if that makes me feel like I didn’t appreciate things HERE when I had them.

I notice all this, and I notice a lot of this is “normal” (for lack of a better term).  I also notice that I am able to filter out these thoughts, versus feeling just plain anxious such as years ago.  I know this is a step, because I can target my thinking and certain thoughts versus just an overall feeling of distress.

I know when I read the above 3 things, I can hear my friend saying them to me.  I would respond and say: all of these are normal thoughts and feelings, when you move you will find some things are better, and some are worse.  but if you are so inclined to move (you and your husband) are making the decision based on a variety of factors that appeal to you.  have faith and confidence in your decision.  you are reasonable and realistic enough to know the reality of the difficulties that come with transition, and you are approaching the decision with a fine understanding of that.

and so I will (or shall) tell myself the above…!