Hi Anita,

I hope that you are well. Here I am to give a little update and hopefully get some advice.

In general i have been a lot calmer. The thoughts have still been there from time to time but I have been better at letting them go.

Some key key moments of the past week:

Thursday: I found out that getting my undergraduate degree recognised in Spain may be a little complicated and harder than I thought. I may have to do some extra modules. Or look at other options. My initial reaction inside was a gut feeling of “We are going to have to break up and I’ll have to return to UK”. I felt very sad because I don’t think I want that. That same day I had an argument on a metro (I asked a man to stop being aggressive to his wife) and also had been called fat in Work (which I was naturally not very happy about). All in All a bad day.

Friday:

i was still a bit stressed/worked up. We went to the cinema. On the way home he got nervous when we were holding hands because there was a group of people. This has been an ongoing thing – I am not a huge “I must hold your hand” but if I feel affectionate it’s quite nice to not have to think. Anyway, he rejected my hand and I withdrew emotionally. I couldn’t speak to him very much and felt very nervous and negative like we should break up because this issue will not get bettter. I was more angry because I was behaving like my mother. Very much so and was ashamed at myself for not being more understanding, and acting like her.

Today:

i have been nervous about speaking the languages here in Spain. Even though I get complimented regularly about my language skills. Last night when my partner came home he told me he had a “surprise English exam” and hopes that he passed but not to worry because he wasn’t prepared. I felt an overwhelming sadness because I want him to be happy and confident. I told him I worry that we recreate my childhood dynamic in the sense of education. He told me not to overthink that he knows I always try and encourage him to be “better” and he feels very supported. But is that bad that he thinks I try to make him better? I hope not because he said “you love me for me as I am” and I had a negative thought “no I don’t” but 5 minutes before all I thoight was how I love him.

Fast forward to today. A straight man in Work who is nice and I think I have a crush on (actually has a sexual dream about him which frightened me endlessly) was talking about his girlfriend. She is a high achiever in academics and languages, and I immediately felt hot and nervous like maybe I hadn’t achieved that, or would someone like her but a man be “better” for me….

then at a session i I went today I had to speak in my non native language and I was so nervous before. But I did it. Very well.