I was just thinking about your post so I hope you don’t mind if I post again. If you do mind after reading my posts, please just tell me.

You said you have a hatred against men and also hated against the women that the men seem to like. In terms of your childhood it seemed to me like the men in your life e.g. your grandfather was the one that wanted to help you find a therapist. That didn’t work out at that time and it sounded like he had some personal issues too dealing with the death of his wife, but just because it didn’t work out then doesn’t mean it won’t now. You father didn’t see you but that may have been because your mother’s family didn’t want him too and he may have feared rejection by you coming back into your life later on as an adult or justified his position in many ways in his head. Without an honest conversation with him (which isn’ possible now) we will never know. That’s okay. Some things we will never know. My last thought is that, most people live their life struggling with their own issues, needs and desires and so tend to avoid anything in life that makes life harder than it has to be e.g. confrontation, honesty when it could hurt people’s feelings etc as life itself, as you are posting about Here, is hard enough. That’s just a survival and coping mechanism and We all do it I think at one point or another, perhaps unconsciously. My point here is that even if it looks like people have a perfect life from what you see, you don’t know their struggles, challenges, what pain they carry with them so we, when we feel less than and down, are not alone, we are exactly like everyone else just trying to live life whilst carrying pain around.

In think therapy and hard work can help to get rid of some pain. But for me it’ very much a work in progress. There are good and bad days, much like you have described on these posts.