Hello Redapple,

I wanted to reply to your post as it touched a nerve with me internally and I just wanted to say you aren’t alone in having done that before. I to have pushed someone I loved, admired and liked out of my life because I was scared of them getting too close and of real intimacy. I didn’t know how to handle it so I pushed it out. I too said sometimes mean things in the view I was just being ‘honest’ about everything good and bad. In that case there was nothing i could do once he (rightly) walked away but it didn’t stop it hurting any less. I think deep down you did sort want his connection (at least that was the case with me) but was scared where it would lead and so treated him like he would always be there e.g. by being over honest that way you wouldn’t have to get too close.

I don’t think there is much you can do now apart from see the whole experience as a lesson in how to treat people. The only thing I would say is perhaps writing him a letter apologising for how you treated him and sending it to him. Although that may make you feel better and not him. I don’t know. Or hope that if you meet again some day you will have worked on yourself and be a stronger person and so be able to show the person you really are before all the fear/hurt gets in the way like it did this time. I really do believe if things are meant to be, they will be and so it could be that you two being friends isn’t meant to be BUT his leaving has showed you a mirror of What you don’t want so you can work on what do want to be like.

It’ tough though moving on from someone. I also wish you to please go easy on yourself. You had come out of a stressful time with your long term relationship beforehand, it sounds like everything felt a bit up in the air and unsafe/insecure and he was your safety net. Lots of people do this, and we are all trying our best. We don’t always mean it or realise it when we are being mean and hurtful as we are also hurt ourselves and are trying to stop ourselves being more hurt. In hink That’s understandable.

I do hope You feel better soon